Chronic Pain

A 51 year old female living and dealing with lumbar back pain and fibromyalgia. Sharing things I do for relief, reduce stress and control weight gain.

Friday, July 18, 2014

In sickness and in health

I hope everyone who reads my blog that is dealing with some sort of illness whatever it may be has a support system.  There are a lot of things out there to help you.  Like books, blogs, support groups, friends or maybe it's your spouse.  Your spouse knows you like no one else.  I mean, what your really like behind closed doors. Let's face it, I can only hold it together for so long in a day.  Before I rattle on to much I want to point out I never mean for him to be the one to get all the punches. I'm not the same person he married. 

Our story is sort of a Prince Charming-Cinderella story.  I really don't want to get into my first marriage of 17 years to deeply but I have to point out that neither of us were happy for a lot of those years.  We loved our children so dearly and that was the most we had in common.  In the end I was just starting to have some minor trouble with my back.  

When I met my husband I was not looking for anyone to date.  All my focus needed to be on supporting my kids the best way I knew how. Keeping them in our home was so important so we'd have a roof over our head.  A female acquaintance asked me to have one date with him.  I didn't think there was anyway I'd do a second date with him but I'd agreed to the first.  We had nothing in common. I was just getting this girl off my back about it.  I was so much against the date I met him somewhere.  I was thinking I didn't want him to know where I lived if it didn't go well.  (he already knew where I worked because that's where we met)  

To my surprise the date was wonderful.  In one night, he said more things I'd dreamed of someone saying to me or doing for me in the 17 years I was married.  Even dating in high school.  I always seemed to pick the guys who felt it wasn't necessary to do or say anything polite or respectful.  I remember a date or two thinking "when is he going to stop acting so nice?"  He mentioned one night how much I talked about my kids.  I thought, well it's good you know how much they mean to me because they are my priority right now. 

Time went on and we dated for four years.  His kindness and the way he treated me stayed the same.  Every week end it felt like our first date.  He continued to open my door, say how nice I looked, sent me flowers (a lot) and much more.  For years I'd dreamed of what it must feel like to be treated that way and I was living it. 

Over time as my condition started to get worse he was right by my side at every appointment I went to.  Every test.  Every injection.  Every decision we made together. He missed more time off work for me than for himself.  I complained constantly about no answers and all the things that we'd planned to do together over the next few years and that seemed impossible now. 

I'm starting to believe that I met him for a different reason than I'd thought for years.  I'd dreamed of having a man like him love me but then everything changed after we were finally married.  It was almost 5 years to our first meeting.   My pain and illnesses turned me into a different person.  I am NOT the person he married.  You know the old saying, God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want.  I believed he did put our chance meeting in place but I know it was for a different reason.  Not many men could put up with me when I'm hurting at the levels I am sometime.  

Many times I've said to him "I wish I could be the person you married".  I want it for him, as much as for me.  I've been so angry that he came into my life then I had to deal with this cross I'm carrying.  Ugh....Why why why?  Make it better.  I'm always full of questions and either crying or mad.  Mad as you know what.  He's remains the same.  Calm and cool and trying to keep me positive.  His answer remains the same.  He says, "in sickness and in health" and I mean it.  That even makes me mad.  Why can't he get mad too? I don't understand it.  How can he just accept it.  He'd never married and waited a long time as I for true love.

I thought for a long time that it's because he really couldn't possibly understand how bad I hurt at times.  If he did, he couldn't just be so calm and act like it will all be good in time.  God put him in my life for a reason.  Not the one I thought for a long time but he knew D was the man to be able to handle me and support me at the same time.  This brings me to an article he sent me recently.  He put in the subject line "A good read".  

He sends me a lot of emails.  So many that sometime I just ask him, what is _______ about?  I don't have time to read it.  This one caught my attention and as I read I thought this must be how he feels.  This is why he puts up with me.  He's told me as much.  It's about a man having a conversation with a stranger he meets.  The conversation of divorce.  I'll let you read for yourself.

If the link does not work, I apologize I'm not to good at that kind of thing.  I would ask you to go to his blog "sunny skyz" and the post date is May 30th. I'm also putting on my goole+ page if that makes it easier.   Interesting read as my husband said.  Every married couple should read it.  If my husband felt like the man Matt meets he would have left me a long time ago.

By the way its raining cats and dogs her in Baton Rouge today.  I have an appointment with Mr. R that was supposed to be yesterday so he's going to catch some flack from me because I have to get out in this.  To update you from last post my injection is scheduled for the 28th.  It seemed so far away and I was so disappointed. Now it's just a little over a week away.  Please pray for me that it helps some. I'll take any amount of relief.  

Samantha and Dana I'm praying for you. Please continue to stay in touch.  Our support is so important to our well being. 

Holding on to H.O.P.E. (hold on pain ends)

1 comment:

Samantha said...

Thank you so much for your kind prayers, and for all of your support Teresa, it's so nice to receive your messages from time to time.I have everything crossed for you in the hope that the scary injections are a success. I've had quite a few, and I know how awful they are! All of my well wishes to you! Cheers, Samantha