Watching one of the many tributes to him on different television shows a clip was shown from an interview back some years ago when he had just been released from rehab. He talked about how this "voice" somehow always creeped back in to convince him he was not ok. That he was not happy no matter how grand his life appeared. It was a dark place.
He spent many years hiding his depression. I'm sure the alcohol was his go to drug to feel better. I know many people are thinking how could someone so comical, who brought people to tears with laughter, be sad? It's an evil thing that eats at you and as hard as you try and fight it, it seems to win over all the time. After hearing that it really hit home for me. I have my break downs in front of people sometime. I think most believe it's my sensitive or defensive side. At home, it's different. I am different. I don't have to put on a show or pretend on a grand scale so no one worries. I prefer to be alone and I've always thought it was ok until I understood I had depression.
A little "voice" eats at me all the time. It's always trying to convince me I have nothing to be happy about. That my life stinks and will never get better. I have plenty of friends who check on me now and again. I love my family and know they love, pray and care about me. When your battling depression, it's just not enough sometime. I've never thought about taking my life. However, I often think of what it would be like to be "normal" again. Whatever normal is? I really don't even know anymore. I've asked myself, "how much worse can it get? How much more can I take?" I never have an answer, but fight to convince myself it's a blessing from God everyday that we're here. Pain and depression. Deal with it. It really could be worse.
I prefer to be alone, than with a group of people. Why? Because then I don't have to pretend I'm happy and everything is hunky dory. I can't tell you how often I cry on my ride home. I hold it in as long as I can, then it just flows out. As much as I hate it, I think it's important to not hold it back. I hate being fake. I want to "really" be happy. That evil little "voice" convinces me every time that everyone else's life is better. I really know that is not true. I can name so many things to be joyful about. As hard and as deep as I dig I can't do it. I try to constantly pray about them and not dwell on the pain and depression. Somehow the depression wins over every time though.
It's critical that you don't deny your depressed. It's like any other disease or addition. You have to own up to it and get help. You have to keep fighting. Sometimes I feel like I will be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. I've tried to get off and it's just a nightmare. If that's what it takes to keep on going I've accepted that. I don't like it, but it is what it is.
If your battling depression remember your not alone. There is so many resources to help you. It's important to fight that little voice telling you you can't beat it. Go where you have to go even if your dreading it. It's therapy and you don't know it. Seek professional help. If you don't like the first person you see, try another. You may think it's not helping. I still to this day think it's not helping, but don't want to know what it would be like if I wasn't going.
I've made some decisions on my medications choices working carefully with my doctor. I'll tell you about that on my next post. I know, your thinking ...hum next month? It won't be. I'll will be home a lot more over the next month because of some of these changes I'm making. I will be updating as well after I get started. I have this small list of things I want to share. It's not that I don't have things to write about. It's about being comfortable sitting for a period of time with my computer. Writing here is just like avoiding conversations with friends. I have make myself open up and share.
FYI; I'm slowly using up my GF food in my home. After 3 months I haven't felt any better. Last week end we celebrated my granddaughters 5th birthday and I have a piece of birthday cake and ice cream. I haven't had anything like cake for months. It had no effect on me at all. As I've slowly added back in regular foods I haven't noticed any difference either. I don't regret trying. I baked and made some new recipes I probably never would have tried if not. At least now I know. Another wishful thinking.
Enjoy your Labor Day
|"A" celebrating #5|
|AJ one happy baby|
|P on his first day of K4|
Some movies we recently enjoyed you might want to see if you haven't
1) Silver Lining playbook
3) Three Days to Kill