Chronic Pain

A 51 year old female living and dealing with lumbar back pain and fibromyalgia. Sharing things I do for relief, reduce stress and control weight gain.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Not good, but the scale don't lie

This stinks :-/
Yesterdays weigh in.  Gained back the 1.5 from last week.  When I saw it I had to get off and do over.  Has to be wrong I was thinking.  I had record walks and calories burned this past week.  And it killed me some days.  Driving in to watch baby C I remembered back when I used to watch biggest looser and how they always dreaded week three.  ( the trainers ) The contestants always seemed to loose 0 or sometimes gain at week 3.  Whats up with that?  When baby C went down for her nap I did my measurements and put in and then I felt a tiny, really tiny bit better. I lost inch and half in waist and inch in hips.  Still the number bothers me.  Maybe that means next weeks number will be huge!  (wishful thinking)  

This afternoon I'm picking up my grandson from daycare and sleeping over with him while mom and dad is out of town.  As I was gathering some clothes together I came across a pair of shorts I haven't worn in probably two years.  Last year out of desperation I wore uncomfortable a couple of times and the button popped off.  I think they were telling me time to give it up.  So for encouragement I found the button I'd put in my jewelry box and sewed it back on.  I decided to try on, knowing I'm nuts.  Last time I tried, about four months ago, before surgery each side wouldn't meet.  No matter there was no button I was curious how bad it was.  Wasn't going to happen.  Put them away until this morning.  After the button was on it decided to try on and despite my pour attitude I was surprised that not only did they go over my hips the zipper zipped and the button buttoned.  They are a bit snug, but I decided to keep me from moaning about the 1.5 gained back I'd wear for encouragement.  I'll probably pay for it with hives tomorrow.  ( why I wear a lot of stretchy clothing)  It's just getting old.  I want to start wearing some of the things I really liked even before I gained weight.  I didn't wear some because of the hives.  

My hibiscus looking good.  It was pitiful for awhile until I figured out every three days wasn't enough in this heat, it had to be every day to survive.  

The pool did not happen yesterday.  Apparently the crew coming in to install the pool was driving in from FL.  Their truck broke down and my husband got a call around 10:30 saying they will be delayed.  Well the end of day came and he was calling the pool company to see what was up.  The truck would not be fixed for three days and they were searching for another crew that does work for another pool company to see if they could do today.  I guess to short of notice.  Not meant to be.  My husband said from the sound of things they really prefer their own contractors because they know their work and guarantee it so they preferred for them to do it.

This mornings walk was a struggle.  Pace was slower and I wanted nothing more than to say I can't do it but knowing I couldn't tonight and possibly not tomorrow I needed to get it done.  The added stress right now is really effecting my back.  Many people do not realize how much stress effects your body.  I never believed it.  When some of the first doctors I saw for second opinions after surgery and my therapist started about it I felt as if though they were just trying to make me feel like my pain wasn't real.  Stop being anxious and stressing and it will go away.  That's not what they meant.  They just wanted me to understand that it adds fuel to the fire.  My flame it hot enough without the extra fuel.  

I'd really like to say to three of my dear friends, two who read my blog and one that doesn't that I'm praying every day and night for our boys/girls.  My heart is breaking for us all, for our children.  2 boys, 2 girls. We all have our different struggle with them right now and neither of us can pretend to know how the other is feeling.  I know my own heartache for my son hurts deeply, as well as theirs.  To step back and walk away has been the hardest thing ever in my life.  I want so much more for him.  I wouldn't have come as far as I have if I hadn't sought help a long time ago.  It's been a long road.  A road of sleepless nights.  Tearful nights.  Disagreements with my husband on how to handle things. Wondering what will happen?  Can he get through this on his own?  I've stepped out of my boundaries a few times.  Something that gets me in trouble with my therapist and my family. Boundaries she set, my husband set.  I hope no one I know ever has to go through this with their children.  Especially my own children with their children.  

You think you've done a great job raising them.  Then when life happens and they go down the wrong path and just can't seem to help them get out of the rut. So... what?  You turn your back on them?  One of my friends is dealing with something much harder than my case, I feel like we're on the step of their back door.  She encourages me to do just such.  You have to let go and let them do what their going to do and then figure it out ON THEIR OWN.  How long do you want to be the victim in the triangle?  

Another friend who I've spent hours on the phone with tells me whatever you do, don't turn your back on your child.  Do whatever you have to do to let them know they have someone to turn to when their lost and can't find a way out. It doesn't mean you have to fix it, just to know you care and your there.  Her child has left town and living in a bad situation.  She has a daughter with a grandchild.  I can't imagine.  Worried about your daughter and your granddaughter far away in a bad situation.  My friend has been through a lot of years dealing with trying to get her out of this situation and she keeps going back for more. She wants her to respect herself more and get out of there.  Just like me she wants more for her.  She deserves more.  She is a beautiful young girl just starting her life.  

Then there is my long time friend whose son is dealing with hurt and pain that will never go away for him.  I'm sure he can't close his eyes without thinking of what happened. Surely he will need counseling to understand it was just an unfortunate accident. That it could have happened to anyone.  She feels his pain.  They are the same.  We have both been through a lot with our boys.  

My son has a daughter that lives an hour and half away.  He sees her very little. (he can make this change if he tried harder) To hear his tears over this breaks my heart.  He said to me, "Mom, my heart is breaking for missing her.  It consumes all my thoughts and you can't understand"  Oh, I can I told him, long ago when you were just a baby did I begin to learn heartaches of a parent.  Even now when he is grown and has his own daughter here I am still with the heartache.  <3

My three friends and I really need to start a support group meeting with each other.  Seriously. I know the entire world all over the country has parents hurting and feeling blue or scared for their children.  The action is one thing, the worry, something that I should have had control over years ago, because it was just that, worry.  It didn't change a thing in his course.  I pray for healing for all of my friends and for our children that they can see the good in their self and move forward in a positive way.  They have so much of their life left to live. 

This is what I want to be..... this smiling flower flapping my arms in the sun.  A little dollar item that flaps is leaves from the sun.  Makes me smile.  So simple to smile over this little sun in my window.  Why so hard to smile any other time?

I'm having Smart Ones tv dinner for supper tonight.  Easy choice for on the go.  It's a good one I like so I really don't mind.  Easier than packing up a bunch of things to bring to my daughters house to cook.
And P, well he is just as easy.....a hot dog or maybe chicken nuggets.  He is a pretty picky eater. Sweet boy.  Read him books before bed.  You cherish those moments. Advice from a friend, that maybe all my left over meal points and activity points may mean I'm not eating enough food.  I know she could be right about this.  I'm game for eating a little more food this week.  Hopefully next week I'll be swimming laps and taking a break from walking.   

GNA....kind hugs and prayerful thoughts.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sunday blues

So here is how I start every morning to get moving and of course the stimulator.  This week has been particular challenging.  When you deal with chronic pain and add emotional pain it's not good.  If you take a look at my week of exercise you would question my reasonings for say such.  I'm a little concerned about weigh in tomorrow morning.  I've had plenty exercise, but have not eaten as well as first two weeks.  

I pushed myself to walk more and harder this week because of the emotional stress I'm under because I know exercise can help that.  It's a double edge sword though because the added exercise has my back in a huge flare up.  My emotional side has had me comfort eating and I hope it doesn't show on the scale.  I'll be so disappointed.  I have only myself to blame.  I'm hoping that the added exercise balances out the added eating.  I'm in my points range, I didn't go over.  I still have 5 left for dinner, 22 weekly remaining ( your bonus) and 9 activity points unused.  This sounds good to all you readers who understands WW's but compared to two weeks, it's not.  Even though I ate low point foods, I didn't eat the veggies I need and my protein was low.  We'll see what tomorrow shows.

I'm in bed blogging while my husband is outside grilling.  He's been hard at work since Friday getting things ready for the pool to be installed tomorrow. ( I won't be here and that's probably a good thing)  Plants had to dug up and temporarily put in pots until the deck is up and we see where we want then.  He ran the electric line from the shed to have that all ready.  Lowe's delivered the decking materials Friday and there they sat in our front yard when I came home.  Of course I was wondering how in the world will he get that to back yard?  Hours of hard work, breaks in between and over a course of several days he carried it all to the back.  Piece by piece, thats how.  It already looks a disaster back there.  Everything out of place.  

Yesterday I had to give in to lying down for an hour two.  Combination of a lot of things,  but another was the pressure from the threat of rain.  None came, but it was dark and lightening and Dallas and I both can tell you when that is near.  Before you can see or hear it coming.
I've decided I must have a better week of eating because I need to rely on my new depression medication to help me with increased serotonin levels this week and cut down a bit on the exercise.  Maybe three days then I'll try increasing again after that.  My back is definitely letting me know I'm doing to much.  Here's a look at my week of walking.

July 18th-29th

The first day you notice I only walked 0.56 miles.  I was so excited to try out this app my daughter told me about.  I got started and was on the back side of the loop and it started to drizzle and I was praying I could get around to beginning before any hard rain came down.  No such luck.  The drizzle quickly turned into a very hard pour and the others had started running to the pavilion and I, for the first time since surgery, decide I better at least try to jog to the pavilion.  I didn't want my i phone getting wet.  I had placed it under my shirt.  (I've since bought an armband but was walking with it in my hand at the time) No can do though. I felt every little bone, muscle and nerve as I started to jog.  It felt like my incisions were going to burst open.  Nope, your going to get drenched.  I did the fastest walk I could to get over there.  I'm sure the others were wondering what my problem was.  It went on for 20 minutes.  No letting up at all. The wind was blowing so hard that even the people that were dry before were soaked like me.  You couldn't find a place to stand under the pavilion that you weren't getting drenched. 

By the time it let up I was still worried about my phone and a nice lady I'd been talking to jogged to her car and got her umbrella and came back and walked me to mine. (I had told her why I couldn't run in from the rain)  ANyway, all this info to tell you why it was 0.56 miles on day one. Didn't want you thinking I improved that much in one day to the next.  Ha ha.

Notice on July 28th I had a personal best.  Want to know why?  I called my mom to talk to her while I was walking.  The run keeper app updates you however often you set it to and even when your listening to music you can here her update your status.  It says time walking, distance and pace.  For some reason I couldn't hear this while I was on the phone.  It was faint, and I'd definitely lost count in laps.  Shame on me for being so far behind in catching up to my mom. When I was starting to hurt so bad I was having trouble talking and walking I decided to stop having no idea how far I'd gone.  We continued to talk through my leg stretches and after I was home.  Only when I was off the phone and looked at the app did I know how long I had walked.  I was feeling it though.  I didn't really think I could overdue walking.  They want me to walk.  But I did.  I know it because I'm back there again today :-(
Having to rest in bed for a short time to finish the day.

Pretty cool, works by GPS, this is walking path 

This is my neighborhood. The green dot is my house where I started.
Thanks again B.  You made something painful, but a must do, a little more fun and challenging.  Her and I are street buddies and she can see what I've accomplished and I can see her runs and paths.  It's great for if you have a long distance companion and want to encourage each other this way.

And last but not least, below is my latest attempt at a pinterest idea.  I've been wanting to do a Family Rules for some time now and had my eye on one I pinned on "wall art" awhile back.  Then I came across something similar to this one.  A bit different that first idea.  The "real one" is also on my "wall art" board  if you want to take a look at how the professional one looks.  It was done through tears, notice the crooked lines. I painted over and tried again, but was still crying so what can I say.  It has feeling and will hold memories.  My husband appreciates my work and that counts for a lot.  <3.  I also painted several other things this weekend.  My therapy, a weekend of much needed therapy, hence why so much was accomplished. 

God Bess, and sending good thoughts for everyone suffering from any kind of pain.  Physical or mental to have a peaceful week. 

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Getting through it

Only once since I started walking have I had an opportunity to walk in the morning.  Last Sunday.  Today instead of sleeping in, because I could have, I set my alarm to try and walk before it got to hot.  I made a shake,got all my meds down and headed over to the walking path.  I got my music all ready, hit start activity on run keeper and got out to get started.  You see I have to do all that before I get out of the car because I can't see a darn thing on my phone without my glasses.  I can try relying on Siri but she's not always accurate.  Anyway, not even to the first turn I was thinking how hard this walk was going to be.  I was hurting so bad.  Then it hit me.....I didn't turn on my stimulator before leaving the house.  I meant to.  Thats just totally weird because if I didn't leave it on all night its one of the first things I do when I get up in the morning.  Even before I shower.  

I really didn't think I would make it.  I just told myself I'll go until I can't and be happy with that.  One lap around and I really wanted to quit.  I'm realizing that my stimulator helps more than I think.  It hurts with it on but darn it's bad without it.  I was listening to K Love praying for 3 friends of mine children that need prayers badly.  I know they are praying for my son.  I was also praying to get around one more time at least make it half a mile.  I kept telling myself, it's like child labor you think it's going to kill you but its not.  I'm not gonna's just pain.  Keep going.  

Finishing up round 2 I caught up with a elderly lady and her granddaughter who had started when I was finishing my first one. Her granddaughter stopped at two and when we met up again I asked her where her partner was.  She smiled and said, "I'm 69, she is 8 and she couldn't make it." "Too hot, she said".  We laughed and started talking.  She told me she had 15 grandchildren and I forgot how many great.  3 I think.  Sweet lady.  She was raised in Mississippi picking cotton at her granddaughters age.  We finished our lap together and I realized that talking with her helped me to not focus on my pain.  Oh, it was there but in those moments I forgot I might die. lol.  

I didn't think when I started there was anyway I'd make it.  Matter of fact I considered going home and coming back in the evening when it cooled off.  But I reminded myself of all the reasons I wanted to walk in the morning.  I went to the pavilion 
to stretch out my legs and the nice lady followed.  Her daughter was sitting there waiting for her.  She drove her there before she went to work so her mom could walk. Somehow we were talking about how exercising to late can keep you up at night. Then it was about not having caffeine past a certain hour.  She asked me if I had trouble sleeping?  Yes ma'am I do.  Every night for as long as I can remember.  She said, "I have the answer for you"  "Good" I told her, I've tried everything.  What cha got?  She said, "have your ever tried reading the bible?"  I didn't know if she was joking or serious because she'd said some pretty funny things during our visit.  "Yes I have" I told her.  "Read it front to back three times"  Now she don't know if I'm joking.  
I told her it was the read the bible in a year and I didn't speed read it, I read it in a year.  Three times.  She just smiled at me.  I still don't know what to think.  We parted and she and her daughter said they'd see me around. I hope I do, she was really sweet and she carried me around my last lap, literally.  

I guess my lesson learned today is I'm sometime so absorbed in my own pain I'm not thinking about someone else's pain.  I was making a point to in my praying this morning.  But her telling me her story of a hard time let me forget about my pain for a short while.  I left there feeling like I knew this lady long before today.  Maybe God sent her there to give me a little nudge.

Goodnight everyone.

Monday, July 23, 2012

A new week

So here we are Monday morning weigh in.  This week only 1.5, last week was 2.5.  Total = 4.  I worked harder this week as far as exercise and had better numbers as far as points used and unused points so I expected at least the same as last.  It's ok though,  I know it is a healthy way to loose.  A little each week will get me there.  

This goal I have, loosing some weight, is giving me something to focus on and feel productive in something.  We're still working on right medication.  Right now I'm on a minimal dose of antidepressant so I'm struggling. Just waiting on the word from the doctor this morning now that I've tapered off of the Savella if I can get started on the new drug she gave me. 

When it comes to the stimulator and exercising this is how its helping me exercise.  Before surgery I had got to the point where walking was not an option any longer.  I'd start out, even at a slow pace but it soon became to painful to keep going.   I had been out of gym since November 2010 and until Jan of this year had not been doing anything.  In January I bought a recumbent bike and started riding slowly. These workouts were at a very low resistance but some exercise  was better than none.  Never burning more than a hundred calories and pushing myself to do it at least 3 times a week.

That stopped of course after surgery.  After being released to start walking and riding at first I still couldn't do it bc the battery site (buttock) was still to sore for that much movement.  About two weeks ago I started being able to take my pain medicine an hour before and getting around the path at a slow speed but I was happy to be able to out walking again.  What I've found this last week is my pace has increased and I've added an extra lap.  So the stimulator is working.  I do start to hurt about 10 minutes into but it is at the level that I hurt during exercise for years before either of my surgeries.  When I'm done and I stop, it hurts.  The pain doesn't worry me though.  I know nothing is wrong.  I know its there for the long haul.  If the pain pill and the stimulator lets me get 2.06 miles in 36 minutes (what I did yesterday) I'm thrilled.

After I'm home, it hurts like hell but now I have a way to cover it up to get through the exercise.  I turn it down when I get home that's why I feel the pain increase come on from the exercise after.  The level I use to walk I could not tolerate just being around the house.  As I said yesterday, Lovely reminded me again we're only two months into it and six months is the big mark we're waiting for to see some even better results.

Hope everyone has a great week and a pain free day!

Sunday, July 22, 2012


I met with Lovely on Thursday.  We went through all my programs and she did some adjustments on each program trying to take out the area I didn't like and trying to move what was close, closer.  We spent an hour.  I'd been at a previous appointment for 2 hours so that was all I could do.  You see when we work on this the paddle has to stay next to the battery site area and I had worn shorts with back pocket hoping it would keep connection but the pocket was a little low so it had to be held in place to keep connection.  (Once Mr. R went and got some tape and taped to my skirt so I wouldn't have to hold the entire time.) My elbow starts to really hurt.  Sounds easy, but hold your hand on your butt for an hour and see what it feels like.

Lovely went over with me again how important it is to be patient with the non target areas we're hitting.  She says as 6 months gets closer this won't spread out as much to areas I don't need because the scar tissue will keep it more confined in the area.  She also told me that from what I'm sharing with her about how I'm feeling and what I'm able to do at this time is great, and I seem to be right on track.  It should continue to get better and better.  I'm good.  I knew it from the get go and I've been reminded enough to not get impatient.

Weigh in Monday tomorrow.  Another good week.  I don't say that because of what the scale might say but because of the Points Plus Tracker.  I ended the week with 30 points unused and 12 activity points unused.  The scale better show at least same as last week.  I'll be happy with that. :-D

I went for my walk for the first time since recovery in the morning instead end of day.  Gosh, I wish I could do that everyday. Something about the quite in the air.  It was overcast and not so hot.  I was the only person on the path.  Turned on the run keeper that B told me about and started walking.   Around 1 mile a song came on that I'd never heard before. (listening to K-Love).  It was beautiful as so many of the songs you hear on that channel.  This past 4 days have been the worst emotional time I've been through in a few months.  As I was walking I was going over the past few days in my head and wondering if I'd made the right choices and if I'd been any help to who needed me.  I also made some choices that were made with hurt feels and some anger.  I was feeling blue about it and wondering why things went the way they did.  Then this song came on.  After hearing the chorus I just started weeping so hard I could hardly see the path to stay on it.  This went on until the song was over.  It's amazing how a song can make you feel. Especially in the environment I was in.  

I felt like Laura was singing this song to me personally.  I needed to hear it at this moment. That the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes and that my healing comes through tears.  Not tears of being depressed or anxious.  Maybe those tears are just my healing.  Maybe fighting back the tears (holding back the tears because they hurt has been unhealthy. So now I'll look at them as healing.  I wanted to share with you in case you've never heard it.  And if you haven't, goole it or look it up on K-Love and listen.  You can listen to lyrics there. It's not the same to just read. A friend of mind said the story behind it is worth reading also.

Good night.  Praying for some sleep tonight.  Update tomorrow on the weight watchers.

Laura Story: album title Blessings

We pray for blessings 
We pray for peace 
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep 
We pray for healing, for prosperity 
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering 
All the while, You hear each spoken need 
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things 

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops 
What if Your healing comes through tears 
What if the thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near 
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise 

We pray for wisdom 
Your voice to hear 
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near 
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love 
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough 
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea 
And long that we'd have faith to believe 


When friends betray us 
When darkness seems to win 
We know the pain reminds this heart 
That this is not, this is not our home 


What if my greatest disappointments 
Or the aching of this life 
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy 
What if trials of this life 
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights 
Are your mercies in disguise

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Happy Hump day :-D

Hump day and I'm making it.  Mr. R not available.  Well, sort of. He was if I could see him on Tuesday but I couldn't, prior commitment.  He's out of town rest of week.  He took care of finding someone to see me though.  Lovely will see me on Thursday after my appointment with the psychologist.  It will be a long morning. Both much needed appointments.  If your wondering about Lovely, she saw me once before in place of Mr. R.  I like her so much that's the name I gave her.  I'm looking forward to seeing her, but she has a long drive to see me.  Kind of feel bad about that.  I have to get some better coverage though.  When it's in the right place it really helps.  Especially to walk or ride my recumbent bike.  Right now out of 11 programs I can only use one and I really don't like it.

Good news on the pool.  We're going ahead with buying one.  My husband gets really excited over new projects in the yard.  He is already designing a deck to put around after.  From the word of the pool place it should be delivered and installed sometime around second week of August.  This will be the best exercise of all for me.  For one, I actually enjoy swimming laps.  Second, it's exercise thats pain free.  I can't tell you what that means to me.

Speaking of exercise I took a few pictures on Monday around the walking path I've been going to.  I keep saying I'm going to see how long it is around, but I forget ;-/  D gave me a pedometer just forget to put it on when I'm leaving. I probably won't go as much when the pool is ready, but I'll go back when it gets cold.  I enjoy seeing the same people everyday.  We don't know each other but it's almost like we look for each other and we smile and say an encouraging hello and glad you made it.

Friday I'll need to get it together and pack to leave for the week end.  I'm going to try my best to stay calm, relax and do what I can and not fret about what I can't.  (if my husband reads this, he will be laughing)

The WW's is going good.  The one thing that I like is I'm never hungry.  I turn into a beast when I get hungry.  If I am hungry, it's because I was just busy and forgot to stop and have something.  This week end will be a little challenging being away from home but I plan on getting lots of fruit and healthy snacks to take with me.

A note about Pinterest; my daughter mentioned several times to me that I should join.  I just didn't want to tie myself to the computer any more than I am.  It keeps me away from painting and doing other projects I'd like to accomplish.  At some point I caved and joined and I'd just like to say that it's not just the many awesome things I've discovered on there but I find encouragement there also.  It's funny how you can not even be looking for it and God puts it in your face even through a social site like pinterest.  Looking for the initial post of something I've ran across other blogs that I started following that have inspirational things to read and even encouraging quotes for just about anything.

 While I'm on subject of my daughter she deserves a big shout out for cleaning my teeth for me last Friday.  She is a hygienist, one I'm very proud of.  She was a little rough on me because I'm her mother and not just "another patient" but it was great to have my teeth nice and clean again.  I was spoiled after being in the field for 13 years, never had to worry about that, then suddenly I was past due and sighing about paying to have my teeth cleaned.  Thanks again B :-)

Monday, July 16, 2012

Busy Weekend

Lets start with the positive first.  Monday morning weigh in shows 2.5 pounds.  I'm happy about that. Gives me motivation to try harder.  I had a lot of time to exercise every day last week, feeling well or not.  This week, for me, will be quite busy and hectic.  I hope I can continue to exercise through the pain.

Saturday I went to spend the morning with baby C.  Mom and dad had some important business to take care of out of town.  She's cutting some more teeth and me being away for awhile we kinda of had a rough morning.  She fought her nap and I held her a lot.  Even when she won't nap she still so happy and smiling and making you laugh.  But she showed signs of how tired she was nonetheless. 

After I left their home around two I met D in town to go to a few places we'd been talking about.  I really wanted to get out of it because my back was killing me and I was so drained.  He's the one I always say no to because I can't seem to say no to others.  I needed to do this.  For the past year or two he does most things alone and I know it's getting old for him.  So we went to a pool store to investigate what it would cost to put in an above ground pool to help me with some great therapy for my back.  I feel so good in the pool and I can actually get some exercise without causing a huge flare up after.  We got some figures and asked lots of questions.  It's an idea right now but a lot to be looked at. 1) The space in our yard. 2) It has to be big enough to do what I want to do. 3) We also have to be able to afford it.  We're still so unsure if I'll be able to return to work or not so we're taking our time and turning over every leaf to see whats available. 

After being there for an hour I was really uncomfortable but I was determined to press on and spend an afternoon with my husband.  My body wanted so bad to lay down and get off my back.  Soon, soon.  We went to a pet store to find a Thunder Shirt for Dallas.  He is getting worse and worse about his anxiety with bad weather.  Something had to be done.  The owners and a customer gave rave reviews and said it really works so we purchased one and can't wait to try it out.  Then we went to Kirkland's.  They were having a big clearance sale and I'd been saying to D we needed something for the wall in our bathroom.   Why not go why we're right here he said.  Just one more place, you'll make it.  Ha, I was have no idea.  And all us ladies know you don't just breeze through Kirkland's.  Even D doesn't.  He likes to see every space as well.  We did find something for the master bath.  We were in there for 35 minutes, not to bad.  

I felt pretty rough when we made it home.  There was so much I wanted to do around the house and I just couldn't.  I had stopped on the way home and grabbed a subway sandwich, first thing I'd eaten out since starting WW on Monday.  It was ok, the flatout wraps I've been making for lunch tasted much better but I wanted fast!!  After that we talked about the pool and D went outside and marked off the measurements.  It would take up the entire right side of our back yard.  Almost butt against his shed.  There is option of dropping down a size but then I can't do laps.  We spent the rest of the evening watching some programs together. I couldn't drag myself to work out.  I wanted to so bad.  

When my eyes opened Saturday am I felt as though I had been beaten everywhere with a bat.  Especially my arms.  I assume from handling baby C.  ( Not your fault little one)  I was hoping a week of exercising before handling her would prevent this from occurring.  Every muscle hurt.  I pulled my self out of bed and noticed right away I had hives everywhere.  About 7 or 8.  It's not just mental stress, physical causes them as well.   I wanted so bad to just get right back in the bed.  BADLY.  No can do.  Late Saturday even we got word that D's sister and brother in law were coming to BR shopping and wanted to have lunch and see the new home.  OH boy.  I'm always saying I wish his family would come more often.  Well, their coming.  I threw back pain pill and D said tell me what to do because I know your stressing about the house.  Team work.  He vacuumed while I dusted.  Then he vacuumed the tile, then I mopped.  Gosh, that was a killer.  A lick and promise in the bath rooms and just made it to shower and meet for 12.  

It was a great lunch.  I was able to get grilled chicken and steamed broccoli and side salad, plain.  Very low points. I did however have a glass of wine and it did take some of the tension away.  I have to get my anxiety under control.  Everything stresses me out lately.  Anyway, back on track, they came to visit after and they put up a pool two summers ago so they gave us lots of opinions on the back yard and how we could make it work.  I'm excited and scared at the same time.  I really want this for my health, but I'm so concerned over if we can really afford this right now.  You just never know what lies ahead.

Session today with my therapist.  Much needed too.  I hope she can help me come to terms with this heart ache I'm dealing with for my family member.  There's just not much I can do to help and that's what hurts the worst.  Tomorrow  and Wednesday I watch baby C and Thursday is the appointment I've been waiting for with the new psychologist.  Mainly to get my meds under control.   25mg is what I'm down to on the Savella and its showing.  Then Friday will be here and my husbands family has a reunion in Lafayette about an hour from us.  Of course, I'm really anxious about that too.  Being away from home is scary for me lately.  So as you see I have a full week ahead as opposed to my normal, calm week at home. Planning and pacing myself.  No time for that this week.

I do feel better than yesterday as for as how sore I was.  I'm praying to get in with Mr. R to get some adjustments.  Right now, nothing is helping at all.  Everything is moving I guess with the start of exercise.  If I can't get coverage, I can't exercise.  I text him yesterday to see if we could work it in, but haven't heard back yet.  Pretty unusual for Mr. R.  Maybe he didn't get my text.  I hope to write again mid week but we'll see how it goes.  

Work hard and become a leader; be lazy and become a slave.  Proverb 12;24
I must push on.....
2.5 A small but good start.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Dinner Tonight

This was good.  Not a pretty presentation in the bowl but it taste good.
The best part is the left over for tomorrow night.  I followed recipe except
I roasted tomato's instead of cold.

Brown Rice Salad with Tomatoes and Sugar Snap Peas
On the plate-1 cup per serving=4 points

Where I am

Our yard and plants are looking good with all this rain we've had.  That is a plus!  The negative is how it effects my pain and the depression.  I find myself finding any reason I can to put off going anywhere.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I've just been home to long.  

I believe I now understand what comfort eating means. I've often wondered about it seeing people on T.V.  How does eating make you feel better?  Being a person who mostly eats simply because I'm hungry it didn't make sense to me.  Now that I'm back on WW's I'm seeing that I had developed a routine during my day of eating something  "bad" when my pain was at it worst point durning the day.  Like a person would drink or take drugs to "feel better" I can now see how someone can eat to feel better.  It did nothing for my pain, but I some how convinced myself that I deserved to do this because of the pain I'm dealing with.  I now see I've been doing this since I lost my job.  I was still eating healthy but with the mindset that since I was eating mostly healthy having the junk was ok.  Not so, it caught up with me.

I made a stop by the WW store/meeting spot near my home.  A couple of my friends who are on WW's right now told me that have a good selection of their brand snacks, shakes, and healthy bars.  The store was empty except for the kind lady helping me decide on what I wanted.  They really do have a nice selection to choose from.  Unfortunately they were out of what I went in for.  The WW staff said they fly out the door.  I'm happy with what I choose though.  The best part of the visit was my conversation with the lady that helped me.  She told me her WW story and how she had done all the fad diets over the years.  She had been overweight all her life she told me.  After joining WW's,( she started weighing over 300), she met her goal weight and has kept it off since.  She looked great!  You'd never guess her a person to have struggled with weight by the way she looked today.  We had a lovely conversation and she invited me to go to the meetings.  Something I wasn't aware that I could do being an online member.  She said the members are all close and support each other.  Personally I don't think to meet my goal on WW's I need that, but I do think it would be good for me to get out and meet with some other people struggling with their own issues.

She mentioned how two ladies were cancer survivors and even went to Dr appointments and treatments with each other after becoming such good friends.  I can't even use my excuse of not being able to sit for a period of time because she mentioned that there are members with back problems who prefer to stand in the back and move around.  I left feeling like it is something I'd like to try.  They offer a number of meeting times so I should find one that works for me.  I'd really like to go when she is leading. 

I finally made it yesterday back to the clinic where my rheumatologist is.  He asked me to come back for some blood work to check my vitamin D level.  A year ago it was really low and after 6 months of an additional 1000 IU it only went up a couple of numbers.  So we increased to 2000 IU and its been another 6 months so he wanted to check again.  I also discussed with him my chronic hives and how the allergist nor the dermatologist could give me answers on why we can't control them or get rid of them most importantly.
So in that blood work test he wanted to check C3 C4 ?  Don't really understand what that means but I was giving the blood anyway so maybe we'll get an answer we need.  We also talked about the joint pain I've been experiencing since last time I saw him and it has increased. 

Speaking of the hives I had went 7 days free of them.  It's been sometime that I've went that long without them.  When I went to bed Tuesday night I could feel them coming to surface.  Without a doubt they were there yesterday morning and still today new ones are coming out.  When I had my blood drawn yesterday the nurse questioned the ones she saw on my arm.  "Thats why I'm here", I told her.  There's been questions on stress level and emotions causing them.  I've always noticed that when my pain level is 7-10  my hives are worse.  I wondered if the added exercising was reason for the flare up.  I'm really proud of myself I haven't missed a from of exercise since Saturday.  Either my recumbent bike or walking at the walking path.  I've been alternating.  My stimulator is definitely helping with that.  Before trying to walk at a fast pace had become impossible.  Now I'm moving faster with it on at a high level.  It gets me through, but I  pay for it later.  I know I'm not physically hurting my back as far as the fusion or the SCS.  It just causes more pain. Where ever or what ever causes it?  You know what they say though, no gain.

I'm hoping for other results besides weight loss from the exercise.  My mood, fighting inflammation and maybe even the insomnia.  I know, I'm expecting a lot.  Better to have high hopes that no hope at all.   Tomorrow I step down another level on my Savella.  Just lowering from 100mg to 50mg 2x day I see a big difference in my mood.  I'm quite nervous about lowering to 25mg.  I have to make it to Thursday when I see the new Psychologist.  (mine retired) She will decide what I am to try next.  I know for sure the Savella wasn't working for my depression but I'm beginning to think I may be wrong about the pain relief.  I thought since the aches and pains, other that the back, that I was complaining about months ago when they started me on it wasn't helping.  Now that I'm tapering they seem to be getting worse.  Keeping me awake at night.  I hope I not making a mistake, but what do you do?  I have to change something to have something more for depression than the Savella.  Just a little tired of changing medications.  I have a drawer full of partial full bottles of things they've tried me on.  You name it, I have it.  I need to research to see how to properly dispose of them.  Need to make room for new ones, lol.

I'm deeply concerned for a family member and I know that is adding to my issues.  I have HIGH hopes that seeing this new dr and getting my issues under control will help ME to deal with the situation.  I can't fix his, but I can hopefully fix, or help myself.  My anxiety will not let me just forget that someone I love is hurting and I feel it just as it was myself.  A good friend of mine after telling her what my therapist has asked me to do told me she understood but she also knows she could never do it that way.  Turning her back no matter what they did, in a time of great need would not be an option for her.  He's a good person and I'm the only person he has to lean on right now.  He's lost all faith that anyone cares about him.  That must be an awful feeling.  When I feel like I just want to cry or give up hope that I'll ever feel normal again I pray and I remember how many people out there love and support me.  I can call on anyone of them and they'd be there for me.  He doesn't have that support system and he so badly needs it.

I've maintained my points everyday but one and if you've been on WW"s before you know you have a certain no of bonus points during one week and I've only dipped into those once.  (using !)  I've also earned activity points for the exercising.  So... maybe I may need to use some of those extra points this week end because they don't roll over like cell phone minutes.  

Thanks again for all who read.  I don't know who you are, has to be more than family due to the number of page views.  This blog has been very therapeutic for me.  I hope it has been also for someone else. To know their not alone in what ever pain they may be dealing with.  I also want to mention once again how lucky I am to have so much support from my husband D.  If I were him, I think I'd have ran a long time ago.  Now he's dealing with the weeping on a daily basis again. (dosage change)  But he is my rock and continues to support me and remind me to be strong.  He has more faith in me than I do in myself.  I haven't mentioned much lately about where I am with the stimulator so next post I'll be sure and talk about that. 

Kind hugs and healing to all :D

I'm not quite sure why he uses the bed because he always hangs off the side.
Usually just his head, but last night took the cake over half of his body hanging off.
Silly dog.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Day 1 of WW

Day one went well. It was a low pain day too! It was a little hard finding the right things to eat because I'm not quite prepared grocery wise yet. I've started a list but the web site is so full of information it can be quite over whelming . At the end of the day I went to the walking track. With my stimulator on high I was able to walk pretty briskly. There are a few places in the path with a small incline. I actually like it as far as pushing myself but my back screams at me to stop I did 30 minutes which earned me some activity points or point? I don't remember for sure.

I can honestly say I'm not going to bed hungry. I don't know what I'm having for breakfast, but ill figure it out in the morning i like having a plan and knowing the day before i have everything i meed You have to have a plan. When you do, you stay on track much better. I'm pretty disciplined as long as I keep the temptations out of my house. I'll have to keep some goodies stashed away where I won't see them so I have something special for my grandkids.

Speaking of, my grocery shopping will wait one more day. P will be coming over to Nonna's instead of daycare tomorrow. Poor little fellow has a terrible infection type rash in a bad area if you know what I mean. It's so uncomfortable for him. He's been back to the doctor twice for it. If it doesn't clear this time he will have to see dermatologist. I'm good as far as getting through my second day. I've already figured out what I can eat for lunch and dinner. Still thinking about breakfast.

I'm not expecting much to happen first week. The last two times I did WW it was week 3 before I started seeing results. Then I had a steady drop every week. I just hope my pain level stays manageable so I can continue to exercise. That really helps things go faster.

I had a long talk with a friend last night. We are both dealing with a similar family issue. When we got off of that subject and was discussing my back she reminded me to try every morning to find something good in my disability. I see it clearly tonight. It means the world to me to help my daughter out so she isn't worried about her precious baby boy while she is at work helping support her family. There were times when I was working I wished so bad I could be there to help with both of my grand children when they needed something. Right now at this time in my life I can. It can be a struggle at times but he's still in good hands and glad to spend time with his Nonna as I feel the same.

GNA have a painless and restful night.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

It's time...I'm making a change

Saturday I woke up feeling like I need a new challenge to focus on.  I have to take my mind off of where I am in this healing process.  In the year and two months that I have been laid off from my job I have gained 25 pounds.  So there it is, my new challenge to get this weight off. I don't have an excuse to not exercise now.  My stimulator is at least lowering my pain level and I've been riding my recumbent bike two to three times a week.  It's not enough.  It may maintain where I am but I won't loose anything.

In June of 2007 I started Weight Watchers for the second time in my life.  The first time was a year or two before my husband and I were married. (Nov '05)  Some how it slowly crept back on over 3 years.  I had continued to exercise but did not continue the healthy eating habits.
This time I reach my goal by the end of October. 25 pounds off.  A huge difference and a size smaller.  I felt better too.  This time it stayed off.  Even after meeting my goal I had continued for another 6 months or so following plan and having week ends off.  During this time I was burning a reasonable amount of calories at the gym.  Mostly with swimming or on the treadmill walking.  When May of 2011 rolled around I had only gained 5 of the 25 back.  I had been out of the gym since Nov of 2010 due to the pain in my back winning.  I went through a new round of physical therapy and continued to do everything at home and after that flare up was under control again I started walking with a neighbor.  We only seemed to manage to work out our schedule together several nights a week.  Not enough to keep my weight down.

In October of 2011 we sold our home and bought one across town.  This was a big challenge for me.  The packing, then the unpacking at the new home.  I took my time and worked at my own pace and decided this was my exercise.  It kept me in the "10" pain scale. It was probably January before I finally unpacked the last box. To try an exercise again  I ordered a recumbent bike. This is what my physical therapist recommended and I tried to get back on a schedule.  It was on and off, anytime I could tolerate it I'd ride.  The problem was being at home, I was eating more and exercising less.  In May a week before surgery at the doctor office I stepped on the scale and saw what I knew was there in real numbers.  I told myself that day that as soon as the doctor said I could exercise after the surgery I would get started on the plan for a third time.  I have put it off a few weeks because I've been struggling with the exercise, but its getting better. 

So here I am again, back where I was in 2007.  Weight Watchers has worked for me twice so I'm determined it will work again.  I joined the online group and my next goal is to get a grocery list together to have a great 1st week.  I'm officially starting tomorrow morning.  That's how I always did it before.  Monday to Monday.  Every Monday I got on the scale.  It's funny, when I stopped last time I still kept weighing every Monday for a long time until I was convinced I was keeping it off with mindful eating and regular exercise.  After I lost my job I quickly stopped weighing because I didn't want to know.  I discovered what I didn't want to know anyway because everything was beginning to not fit.  It was okay, I needed "soft", "loose" clothes anyway to help with my hives.  No constant reminder I couldn't fit in my clothes when was wearing the stretchy clothes.

Tomorrow I'll study the online tools some more and find some recipes I like to get started.
Then I'll head off to make a productive smart shopping trip on Tuesday.  I'm excited about it.  I need something to focus on other than the pain and it will have a good end result.  I sure it will probably go slower than the first two times because I can't burn the amount of calories I used to.  My blog will be like going to the weight watchers meeting and having to "weigh in". Knowing I'll have to tell you whats happened each Monday will help me to stay on track.  

Honestly the goal weight I want is not acceptable to Weight Watchers.  According to them I can only loose 16 pounds.  What they don't know won't hurt them.  LOL.  It states that for my age, height and weight that I'm not in the over weight zone but they haven't seen my belly.  My friends and family would agree I'd say.  I can see it so much in pictures of my self and in my face.  I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring since surgery.  Before that if I managed to get ti on I had to soap up my finger to get off.  The real truth shows in my closet.  My closet that has hardly anything that fits.  I keep wearing the same things because I knew I'd make up my mind soon to get this done.  

Wish me well and if you have any good WW recipes or tips please feel free to comment :-)
GNA and hope pain levels are low to none!