7 weeks

Not a lot different than 6 weeks, sadly.  I'd love to be saying I see a big difference, a huge improvement.  I'm staying positive, but I'm also honest.  I'm not some one to pretend something is what it isn't.  


This has been a challenging week for me.  By no fault of anyone but my own.  I'm trying to be as normal as possible.  To do what most 47 year old grandmothers can do.  One of my favorite things in the world is spending time with my grandchildren.  They touch my heart so deeply.  I look into their eyes and see my children and it reminds me of a time when I was not living with this pain I have every day.  Sometime we think our lives could be so much better, but we have no idea what our future holds.  Back then I was pain free but had a broken heart.  I wanted to be happy and didn't think I could ever be.  My sole existence was to keep my children happy in a normal life, the best way I knew how.  


Sometime I feel as though God answered my prayers on the happiness but there were strings attached.  At the same time the pain in my back started increasing I met my husband and fell in love.  Sounds crazy I know, but I can't help but wonder about how it all turned out and was it meant to be this way?


It's times like this week when I could hide in a closet and cry because I just want to feel normal again. It's hard to watch other people my age or much older do simple things I can't do. Or maybe I can do but pay a high price for it. Here is what we've been up to, it's been fun. Not great for my back and other aches and pains I deal with, but great for my yearning to spend time with my grandchildren and to see them together.

Monday I drove to Lottie, LA to pick up my granddaughter.  An hour both ways.  Not a bad drive at all, but the total drive in the end was hard.  Didn't matter, her being here for a visit with Nonna and Poppa was worth it.  She is a good little girl.  Eats well, no fussing or being picky about meals. Picks up behind herself and really makes us laugh.   She's spent enough time with Nonna that she knows not to ask to be picked up.  Both of my grandchildren have leaned that Nonna has to do "sit down hugs" and no picking up from the ground level.   I do hold them occasionally when they are passed from someones arms to mine.  Not for long though. She is in the what does _____mean?  You name it and it was put in the blank this week. :-)


Tuesday a.m. I had two appointments.  First with Mr. R to do some adjustments with my programmer.  A sat in the chair in the dr office room we were in and played with the i touch and with her baby, "Camile"  Mr. R was so impressed at how sweet she was.  When we left there we went right around the corner and made it to my second appointment right on time.  (the rheumatologist)  I've been waiting for this appointment for sometime now.  I had been trying to get it moved up for the last four weeks but never any openings, just kept hearing first available later and later into August.  So the day was here and I was full of questions.  I can tell about that later.  We were there for an hour and on the way out the nurse offered A a sucker because she was such a "good girl"  She asked, "can I have two so P can have one?"  It was so cute, you had to be there.  P is her cousin, my other grandchild (grandson)  They are 10 weeks apart in age.  They wanted some blood work but I asked to go next week and have done.  I didn't feel like I wanted little A to witness Nonna being stuck in the arm.  We then started home but grabbed a bite to eat so we could rest when we got home instead of fixing lunch.


After lunch we had rest time.  A nap for A and stretching my legs out and getting the pressure off of my back for me.  After rest was over we met my daughter and grandson at a splash park not far from my home.  When I got out of the car and started helping A out I thought, " I'm not going to make it through this."  But I have to, and I did.  I've been wanting to do this for some time.  It was nice for the kids, but not so nice for the adults.  No shade, at all.  One small covered area but no place to sit.  If there is a next time we will know to bring a chair.  It was awfully hot.  After an hour the grandkids were hot enough to want to leave also.  We were going to head across the street to McDonald's for an ice cream cone but when we made it there, bummer.....only drive up open. The inside was being remodeled.  So my daughter and P headed home and A and I stopped at quick stop and got a treat to cool off on the way home.  It was a short visit but we enjoyed it.

Hot and tired

On the fourth when I got up I realized how hard this week was effecting my body.  There wasn't a place I wasn't hurting.  I want to believe it's just because I've been pretty active this week but the negative devil on my shoulder is telling me you know you can't do this, just quit trying.  I'm fighting him.  We made some cookies, my husband did a turkey breast in his oil free fryer and went to visit some friends where I used to live, and raised my children there.  My friend and her husband have 3 grandchildren, 2 live in the same area.  They went to pick them up to meet A and have someone to play with.  We ate dinner and enjoyed their company.  We got home in time for A to play outside for a little while.  Right now, here in Louisiana, you can't do anything and enjoy yourself unless it's early morning or late evening.  It's just to darn hot.  She went with me over to the neighbors to water their plants while their on vacation.  I felt like I was going to have to crawl back :-(

A and my friend's granddaughter

So we're on day 4 of her visit (granddaughter).  She's taking a nap, and I'm stretched out in the recliner.  Another friend of mine is coming to visit and bringing her granddaughter who is A's age.  We're both looking forward to that.
I'm pretty tired.  Not a lot of sleep this week.  I can't sleep during the day and it takes me forever to go to sleep at night.  So most nights no matter what time I get in bed I'm not sleeping until 1 or 2 am.  My granddaughter has been like an alarm clock at 7 am consist every morning.  lol


I want to point out again that I'm not by any means blaming my pain on her.  I convince myself when I feel better on somedays that I don't need some of the medication I take, that I should just quit taking it.  Since the implant, if I have a good day I start day dreaming that I did this for nothing and I'm fine, it was all in my head.  I guess I just can't grasp that some days are so much worse than others and why is it like this? How can you be hurting one day so bad you want to lay in bed all day and managing the next.  I guess what I'm getting at is that even if she wasn't here I'd be hurting, maybe at a less intense level but hurting none the less.  And that would be because I'd use my pain as an excuse to skip out on anything that wasn't absolutely necessary.  My friends and family have to understand, to do most anything I really have to push myself to get it done.  I'm so glad I'm not a lazy person, because my house would be filthy if I didn't clean any time I was hurting.  I'd also have given up a long time ago.


I think all in all I've done well this week as far as the level of activity we've had.  I know to most people it doesn't seem like much.  I do admit I'm really tired.  I feel pretty worn out and sore. I really haven't done much it's just a matter of my body adjusting to full days of activity.   I'll probably take it pretty easy this week end then start over with my exercise plan on Monday.  My rheumatologist thinks when I get back to moving through the pain again my joint pain will get better.  I really want to see that happen because it's part of what keeps me awake at night.  


Everyone wants to know, is the stimulator helping?  My husband just asked me that question again last night.  I'd love to say it's a great improvement.  I'm not seeing that yet, but I do believe that it can still happen.  Mr. R and I talked about it on Tuesday. He said it is definitely to early to shoot down believing it will help more later on than it is now.  When I'm home and don't go out, don't  get in and out of car I can rely on the stimulator for pain relief and it does pretty well.  Some better coverage will still improve things.  If I'm as active as I have been this week, my normal dose of pain medication and muscle relaxant is necessary.  I am tapering off of the Savella after discussing with my rheumatologist.  It's not helping the added aches and pains I have from the long term back pain.  My therapist feels like there is not enough depression medicine in Savella since it is mostly used for nerve pain.  Depression is low on the list of treatments it is used for.  My plan is to go back on the Zoloft I was taking (14 months ago) before trying all the different medicines like Lyrica, Cymbalta and Savella. They didn't help and they are very expensive.  We only changed hoping to find something that added some relief of nerve/muscle pain. While on the zoloft I was much more social and not weeping over every little thing.  Hopefully the new Psychologist I see will agree with this plan and go along with it. I will only see her for med checks once a month after initial visit. (the one I was seeing recently retired and I had to find a new one, quickly)  I'll continue to see my normal therapist bi weekly.  By the time my appointment comes up with Psychologist  I'll be down to the lowest dose of the Savella twice a day and will need something to replace soon. I've already warned my husband, but the rest of my family needs to beware also.  There will be a week or two when I'm on a really low dose and I probably will not be a happy camper.  


Posting a few pictures of our fun week.  A is going home tomorrow morning.  I think she's ready.  This morning she said she wanted to go home today.  At nap time I said something about going home in the morning and she said she doesn't want to go home yet.  Oh, the mind of a two year old.  Such fun. I need to wake her as our guest will be here soon.  I'll be back to post pictures this evening and publish after.  Thanks for following along. Everyone's support means so much to me.  God Bless and Good night. 

Another friends granddaughter with A