I'm listening to Pandora this Saturday morning while trying to accomplish some house work.
My Hope is in the Lord, all Day Long. (Aaron Shust) That's what comes on as I tire out and fix my second cup of coffee and prop my feet up. Those words in my head everyday when I'm starting to feel down about my disability. Remembering to focus on what I can do not what I can't. Such simple things can set it off. Sometime there is no rhyme or reason. Other times it's very obvious what I've done to cause the flare up. Today? Clueless. No rain, didn't over do anything yesterday yet a restless night. A night with battery site pain with every movement. Within minutes of my feet hitting the floor a stabbing, burning pain covers my lower back.
My dear husband was outside shortly after breakfast. He has worked so hard to make our back yard like a paradise. For both of us, but I know he wants badly for me to enjoy being home so much. I guess what I'm saying is since I'm here and hardly want to leave I look back there and sometime feel as if I'm somewhere else. Thank you dear.
Also, as I'm praying with this song my daughter text me news of their first "baby" Silas. Their 115 pound chocolate lab. Beautiful dog. A face that looks at you with eyes that speak. Poor thing, he probably feels like Nonna has no love for him. I've always been stand offish when around after he was no longer a puppy. Fearful of him hurting my back if he shows his love. If he jumps on you that's all he's doing. He became part of the Stevens family early in their marriage. The mother in me was asking, "why?" Don't you want "us" time first. He will be just like a kid to care for. You know this right? Silly question.
My son in law was raised with large dogs. German Shepherds. His parents still have several and they are a huge part of the family. My daughter has always had a dog around too. Her grandparents having one, and her in her childhood. Even as an outside dog her and my son loved her none the less. So now here they are with a puppy that will become very big and Nonnas worried about when the first grandchild comes along. That was all fine too. He's just a big ol playful teddy bear. I knew he'd never intentionally hurt P but as an infant the grandmother in me worried terribly about Silas accidentally hurting him. One of the first things P would say was the name he used to talk about Silas.
Silas was hit by a truck a few days before Easter. Knocked into a ditch and and a nasty one at that. He had a huge gash to be sewn up and a lot of fractures. He pulled through even though there were scares. When he wouldn't eat, or get up. So he made a trip back to the vet this am to have stitches removed. They kept him to sedate and do another x ray and remove stitches. What they weren't expecting was a recommendation to do a very expensive surgery to put plates over the breaks. I'm not talking hundreds, I'm talking thousands. My heart immediately sank for them. Our "baby" Dallas has been with us only 2 years prior to Silas and I can't imagine having to make a decision that will effect something you care about so much. I really don't know what we'd do. It's a lot of money.
It bothered me so much that as I started this post I completely forgot what I was going to share with you today. I really hate this for them, but I guess it comes along with being a pet owner. If you don't have one you really don't have any idea how much it is just like being a parent. Feeding them, shots and check ups at the vet, a sitter if your gone and the unexpected expenses. If you've been following my blog you know we experienced that last fall with Dallas' surgery. We had no idea when we brought him in for his "routine" check up he'd need surgery.
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| Silas |
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| SIL with Silas |
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| Dallas and Silas |
Monday I saw my surgeon who did my SCS surgery. Here is our plan. What he recommended. Pretty much what Mr. R said but a little different. He checked it again. No chance of it going back in place or the soreness, burning sensation and on and off discomfort that flares up. Living with it is just not an option. It would make the implant pointless. Like trading one pain for another. He thinks our best option is stepping down to the smaller battery that I initially wanted to begin with. The insurance professional at his office has sent a request for preauthorization. He really can't tell me if they will agree to that being there is nothing wrong with the one I have. They will most likely want him to try and reposition. He said he will do his best to get them to see that there is a much greater chance of avoiding another surgery if we step down to smaller size. The other benefit is the anchor that has my leads tied to battery will not be needed. This anchor is also another tender spot. Mostly when I lean against something hard. Hence, why if you know me that's why you hardly ever see me without my cushion. The smaller battery does not have to be anchored because even if it were to turn over in my buttock it still works. You can still charge and communicate with the stimulator paddle.
So what if they won't? Doc said first we try repositioning the current IPG and give it a try. There is not much room to move anterior. It is not an option to move further down on the buttock. If that does not work I was assuming he'd say we'd move to the other side. Mr. R had prepared me for that news. What I wasn't prepared to hear is that if replacement doesn't work we wouldn't try the buttock again. So I would have thought stomach but he said flank area. This is side between ribs and hip bone. Anterior placement. Also means to be cut in 3 places and have leads tunneling through my side. Nope, not happening. If first two options fail, the entire SCS system is coming out. Done, thats all I'm saying about that!
I will add that I'm ready to get it over with. As soon as I hear from the insurance company I'm scheduling the procedure and moving on with healing again. Part of the work D continues to work on is our pool. Keeping it beautiful. I want to get in so bad. It's such good therapy for me. The water is still to cold but won't be much longer. Just about the time it's warm enough I'll have stitches and have to stay out. So you see I want to get it done, heal and get in that pool! We got it late in the summer last year so this will be the first time to enjoy an entire summer enjoying it. In addition to pain relief it also gives me an opportunity to do something different for exercise. Something I enjoy doing, and is not uncomfortable the entire time.
My son is doing well. He's had a couple of sessions with a SW that he has went to on his own. He is finally starting to feel like himself again. He still isn't sleeping but several hours a night but the psychologist said this is normal and may continue another two weeks. He's job searching and were thrilled that he is searching outside of the restaurant business. Matter of fact he had an interview on Wednesday that would be a great job for him with daytime hours and benefits after 90 days. Sick time and vacation. He's been working since he was 16. Being in the restaurant field had left him without ever having those benefits. Vacation or sick time? Nope, your sick...no pay. You want a vacation? Hope you've saved some money because you won't get a pay check. At least not if your a waiter. Maybe the chefs or managers. Who knows, but we're thrilled he has stepped out of his comfort zone and realizes he needs to get away from that life style and hours. It's little steps at a time but as far down as he was you couldn't just jump back to top of the ladder. He has a long long climb up.
About Jeannie, my friend and previous employer I've written about is still here. That's the truth of the matter. She's just here. She's pretty much being kept comfortable but surprisedly has moments where she is speaking and asking questions. Matter of fact her husbands latest journal post mentioned he is struggling with what to tell her when she comes around and asks these questions. She is confused as to why she is in a hospital bed at her home. Why she isn't in her bed? (It's right next to their bed) For the first time in days she seemed focused on him. He struggled about what to tell her? Always honest about everything with each other, he couldn't see himself lying to her. So he told her just like she was being told the first time, that she has cancer. Ed said she took it with grace and strength just like the first time but it concerned him she would ask again. Wouldn't it be more loving to tell her something more positive? He even asked for advise. All of his latest posts are so tender and loving I can see him holding her hand, lying next to her singing their favorite songs as he wrote about. They are truly an example of what "until death do us part" is all about. Two hospice members had examined her the day before and listed several signs that the end would be soon, but also noted that her vital signs have not budged since coming home two weeks ago.
I'm nearing 10,000 pages views on my blog. I started a year ago and ironically I may reach that number within this anniversary month. I never knew it would be so therapeutic for me. Nor did I realize the long distance friends I would make, and encouragement I would receive from people living with their own trials. Thank you once again.
For the heart that finds joy in small things, in all things, ever day is a wonderful gift.
Anonymous
So what if they won't? Doc said first we try repositioning the current IPG and give it a try. There is not much room to move anterior. It is not an option to move further down on the buttock. If that does not work I was assuming he'd say we'd move to the other side. Mr. R had prepared me for that news. What I wasn't prepared to hear is that if replacement doesn't work we wouldn't try the buttock again. So I would have thought stomach but he said flank area. This is side between ribs and hip bone. Anterior placement. Also means to be cut in 3 places and have leads tunneling through my side. Nope, not happening. If first two options fail, the entire SCS system is coming out. Done, thats all I'm saying about that!
I will add that I'm ready to get it over with. As soon as I hear from the insurance company I'm scheduling the procedure and moving on with healing again. Part of the work D continues to work on is our pool. Keeping it beautiful. I want to get in so bad. It's such good therapy for me. The water is still to cold but won't be much longer. Just about the time it's warm enough I'll have stitches and have to stay out. So you see I want to get it done, heal and get in that pool! We got it late in the summer last year so this will be the first time to enjoy an entire summer enjoying it. In addition to pain relief it also gives me an opportunity to do something different for exercise. Something I enjoy doing, and is not uncomfortable the entire time.
My son is doing well. He's had a couple of sessions with a SW that he has went to on his own. He is finally starting to feel like himself again. He still isn't sleeping but several hours a night but the psychologist said this is normal and may continue another two weeks. He's job searching and were thrilled that he is searching outside of the restaurant business. Matter of fact he had an interview on Wednesday that would be a great job for him with daytime hours and benefits after 90 days. Sick time and vacation. He's been working since he was 16. Being in the restaurant field had left him without ever having those benefits. Vacation or sick time? Nope, your sick...no pay. You want a vacation? Hope you've saved some money because you won't get a pay check. At least not if your a waiter. Maybe the chefs or managers. Who knows, but we're thrilled he has stepped out of his comfort zone and realizes he needs to get away from that life style and hours. It's little steps at a time but as far down as he was you couldn't just jump back to top of the ladder. He has a long long climb up.
About Jeannie, my friend and previous employer I've written about is still here. That's the truth of the matter. She's just here. She's pretty much being kept comfortable but surprisedly has moments where she is speaking and asking questions. Matter of fact her husbands latest journal post mentioned he is struggling with what to tell her when she comes around and asks these questions. She is confused as to why she is in a hospital bed at her home. Why she isn't in her bed? (It's right next to their bed) For the first time in days she seemed focused on him. He struggled about what to tell her? Always honest about everything with each other, he couldn't see himself lying to her. So he told her just like she was being told the first time, that she has cancer. Ed said she took it with grace and strength just like the first time but it concerned him she would ask again. Wouldn't it be more loving to tell her something more positive? He even asked for advise. All of his latest posts are so tender and loving I can see him holding her hand, lying next to her singing their favorite songs as he wrote about. They are truly an example of what "until death do us part" is all about. Two hospice members had examined her the day before and listed several signs that the end would be soon, but also noted that her vital signs have not budged since coming home two weeks ago.
I'm nearing 10,000 pages views on my blog. I started a year ago and ironically I may reach that number within this anniversary month. I never knew it would be so therapeutic for me. Nor did I realize the long distance friends I would make, and encouragement I would receive from people living with their own trials. Thank you once again.
For the heart that finds joy in small things, in all things, ever day is a wonderful gift.
Anonymous
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