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| I seriously need a pedicure! |
About mom, unfortunately she is still experiencing her pre surgery pain. Darn it, makes me so mad and sad together. What's the deal with our family and getting better. The incision itself is better and she's feeling ok post surgery. We're all just disappointed the pain is still there. More when she walks. Her calf, ankle and hip. She's hoping that in time maybe it will still go away but I'm afraid if it worked she would know now. She has a much better attitude than me. Pain has turned me into a different person. Ask my husband, I'm not the person he married.
About me, heard from Mr. R today....finally. I'm to go in the morning of my appointment to have an x ray taken of spine so when I go to see him in the afternoon he'll have it to look at. He'll be at surgery center that morning for procedures so that's why they want me to go in the morning. I questioned that being my appointment was at 3. I wanted to go right before appointment so I didn't have a lot of time to kill before appointment time but he explained Dr. wanted to be there to oversee x ray. I don't know what to think. If everything is ok then what's the problem with me losing coverage suddenly? If somethings wrong, what do we do about it? Number one thing I'm loosing sleep over.
About my new friend Donna. Keep her in your prayers. She had her SCS implant surgery last week and she's really struggling with a lot of pain. In particular muscle spasms. I went through that with my trial. We've been emailing each other and seems we have quite a lot in common. Her descriptions of things she talks about pain related is exact phrases or wording I've used. I can't explain what that's like. You hate to know someone else is hurting but it's comforting in an odd way that someone really does understand how you feel and what your going through.
About my son. Number two thing I'm loosing sleep over. We let him spend a couple of nights at our house this week. He looked awful when I saw him Wednesday during the day he was sleep deprived and starved. He had been sleeping in is car past few nights. Well, I say sleeping but he told me he really wasn't sleeping because everywhere he parked someone strange would show up and scare him off. I guess he didn't call because he knows it's not an option for him to come back here. So I let him sleep until work time which was for about 3 hours. When he left, he forgot some things. Or did he forget them? I believe it was intentional for him to come back. I absolutely hate when he puts me in the position to ask him to leave. I was right, he called and said he needed his phone charger and clothes could he come by and pick up. I said yes but I'm getting up early for Maw Maw's surgery tomorrow you'll have to get them and leave. Didn't go like that at all. He was hungry, no food. Eats, then has to go to the bathroom. That's a half hour stall. When he finally left and I tried to go to bed I noticed his car was still in drive way. Checked again at midnight, still there. He tired his sister, brother in law looking for somewhere to sleep. He had to work Thursday and was afraid of losing his job if he didn't get some sleep. I don't know what happened on Thursday because I was at hospital until late. He spent another night, Thursday night in his car. I didn't hear from him so I didn't know until I checked on him on Friday am.
I got a text from him at 4am Saturday desperate to come here and get some sleep. He said it had been 4 days and if he didn't sleep he wouldn't/couldn't make it to work Saturday. My husband and I agreed to let him come for two nights then he had to go back with his friend. (we have no idea what happened and why he says he can't stay there any longer) After he made it here I never could go back to sleep. I couldn't get it out of my head, what is he going to do? He can't keep this up. I know exactly word for word my therapist would say to me about those questions.
So Sunday came and when we were ready to go to bed he was still here. We had visitors coming first thing in the morning and I had to pull myself together and he needed to move on. I wanted to fresh up the room he'd been in also. I literally had to ask him to leave. Heart wrenching. Even my husband felt a little bad. He kept looking out the curtain and saying that he was still in his car. We checked at midnight and there he was still in drive in his car. My husband agreed, if he's just going to sit in his car in our drive we might as well let him back in and he can leave early before our company arrives. I let him know but he never answered. I was still awake at 2am.
Our friends came to visit. They were our next door neighbors in the neighborhood we moved from. This past May we went to see their new home in Waveland, MS and now they were here to see our house. We miss them so much. I have always thought of Betty as my 2nd mom. We had so many long visits and talks when we lived next door to each other. We looked after each others place when the other was gone. They are true TIGER fans. They still travel over for the home games. They were both so complementary on all D's hard work in the back yard. I'm sure it made him feel so good. It was nice to get my mind off of other things for a few hours.
After our company left we headed to town to take care of some errands then the text came. We had just drove up at the eye clinic to get new glasses. It was my son. Stranded in a parking lot not far from our house. No gas. He said if we'd please help him this one last time and he'd stay away. Can you begin to imagine how this made me feel? My husband admitted to me he saw his car still outside when he got up at 7 and it was gone shortly after. Now I understand why he didn't leave last night. He didn't have any gas and didn't want to ask for money. We took care of our eye business then went straight back home to get my car so I could go help my son and D went on to do the other errands we'd planned on doing together.
I gave him some money for gas and fed him at the house. He was definitely hungry. Washed his uniform and went to work for 4. So I'll be awake again tonight trying not to think about it but wondering where he'll stay. If he'll be in his car. I gave him a number to call last week to get some help. (mental)It's very obvious how depressed he is. We've done it all to help him. He has to decide to help himself. My therapist is going to be so disappointed in me when I told her how I handled this week. When he is here I'm angry at him because he won't take any action to make things better but the minute he leaves my heart breaks and I start feeling like a terrible mother. What kind of mother just sends her son away with no where for him to go? By the way, it's not just what my therapist advises. Friends,family everyone says the same. Stop helping him so he'll be forced to do something. It's just much easier said than done. Sometime I just feel like I'm the only person he believes cares about what happens to him. What would happen if I'm not at least there for him to talk to.
I sure hope they get my stimulator working properly on Wednesday. At least then something will be going in the right direction. I had no clue just how much it was helping me until I had to turn it off. I hope to be back to fill you in on Wednesday just depends on how I'm feeling. I'm supposed to be having dinner with some girlfriends. I cancelled on them last week because of the blues and the pain. I guess I won't be able to get away with that two weeks in a row. It doesn't seem right to be out enjoying myself know what a hard time my son is having. I even feel guilty when I have something good to eat, wondering if he has food? My husband really wants me to go. I know my friends care about me and feel like visiting will cheer me up. Hopefully their right.
Fighting back
Theresa
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| I'm trying hard to have this attitude |
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