One more and I'm done

Glad to be back home.  It was a long ride home.  Coming home seems to always take longer than getting there.  It was really nice to get away and try not to think of our worries.  We had two pretty days at the beach and Monday as we were getting ready to start getting things together the grey clouds came over and the view from the balcony was such a different site.  Beach deserted except for some people fishing.  Thankful that we had pretty weather the days we were free to be there.  

Sunday night we had diner at a nice seafood and oyster bar on the bay.  Very nice atmosphere and excellent service. We definitely enjoyed ourself.  After, we went to a couple of shops then hit the Publix to stock up on some Fresca and those Kashi cookies I mentioned.

Some awesome shrimp

The bay at Perdido Key

On the way home I finally got the call regarding my reposition surgery.   My insurance company not only approved reposition but the smaller batter which is really important in the chance of improved outcome.  It's scheduled for next week on Wednesday.  Even though I hate the thought of being cut yet again I'm hoping for improvement with this "unexpected surgery".

Really glad I didn't have to dread it for weeks to come.  I was really surprised they were able to schedule me as soon as next week.  By the time incision is healed enough to get in pool the water definitely should be warm. A long time friends daughter is getting married at the end of month and having surgery as soon as next week really improves the chances I will be able to attend.  I've missed so many important things while recovering from various procedures.  Last year when the implant surgery was over, I missed my godsons graduation from high school.

replacement battery 

battery I have

I have an appointment with my psychologist the day before.  We made some medication changes at last appointment so she asked me to come back in 3 weeks instead of 3 months.  I'm happy surgery didn't interfere with that appointment.  If all goes well I'll be off of one of medications by Monday!  Wish I could stop them all.  One less is better though.   I'll take what I can get.

At dinner Sunday night

Just back from Jeannie's wake.  There were soooo many people there.  People I know and haven't seen in years.  Her husband will be exhausted after this is over.  I stood in line for 30 minutes to view Jeannie and to talk to Eddie.  I did good until I visited with him then I broke down.  He was lifting "me" up.  An amazing man, husband, father, deacon and friend.  He was celebrating Jeannie's life.  Her daughter had put together some amazing collages.  In every picture of Jeannie, she was smiling.  I'm so glad I knew her and she was part of my life.  An amazing person.  She will be missed by so many. 

I'm sure I'll have a post before surgery.   Happy to have your support and thank you!

for the fence by the pool!



Where there is no struggle, there is no strength. Oprah Winfrey 

Goodbye Jeannie

In a quote from Ed himself " The Circle of Life".  Their first grandchild was born Friday April 26, 2013.  Jeannie left us the following day at 3:55 in the arms of her beloved husband.  (yesterday, Saturday) He is so at peace with this due to the fact that watching her suffer was very hard for him.  He also knew she was ready to go and reunite with their infant child "Maggie" and the miscarried children in between.  Her eldest sons wife gave birth to a baby boy Xander.  3 hours from water breaking to breast feeding.  An awesome night for their family.  Unfortunately they came home to Jeannie in her worst state ever.  She left us the following day.  I believe she knew, even though not lucid, that she could go now that her grandchild was here.  She held him, thought not sure if she really understood.  That's not whats important!  She is in no doubt heaven now rejoicing with her loved ones gone before her.  

We're enjoying ourself in Perdido Key.  Our first time here.  We usually go to Destin or Ft. Walton.  This place is right on the beach.  On the balcony enjoying the sound of the waves while typing this post and enjoying my morning coffee.  Where we typically stay San Destin, Destin or Ft.Walton on the Bay.  We have a short drive to "the beach" but has never bothered us in the past because we love where we stayed and it takes minutes to get to the public access to the beach.  Nice bath rooms and anything you want from souvenirs to something to wet your whistle.  Usually and "older crowd" at the condo so of course we love that too.  Not so noisy when us "old folk" wanting to turn in or rise early.  My husbands friend offered us this place at a cut rate because an unusual thing happened.  He had some open weeks at this time of year so he was willing to give us a cut rate and not commit to an entire week.   The beach isn't as pretty as Destin.  Reminds me of Gulf Shores.  No biggie...I don't go far in the water.  Maybe to my knees when searching for shells.  I prefer the pool.  Here and where we normally go they have a heated pool.  

Perdio Key, FL

If there is food the seagulls will come.  Dropped my delicious pear half eaten!

You get it, no you she's watching us!

On Friday morning as we were loading up and getting ready to take Dallas to doggy day camp I missed a call from PM office.  The message said they were calling to schedule the appointment at surgery center for reposition of battery.  I returned call within 10 minutes of message which was around 9:15 a.m.  When I called back to extension they asked me to  call and  schedule was busy and required me to leave VM.   At 10 when I didn't get a return call I called the gentleman at surgery center who handles ordering the necessary things for the surgery.  I reached his VM and asked him to call me back regarding the matter of my surgery and that I'd received a call from PM clinic to schedule reposition of battery.  I really wanted to know if they had approved the smaller battery for me or not.  I didn't reach him either.  Another voicemail.  As we drive on our way to FL I tried once more at 11:00 am with no luck and no return call.  So...it will wait until Monday.  Hopefully then I can reach someone to get this appointed and over with.    So that's where we are with battery issue.  I havent' confirmed for sure they will allow new, smaller battery but I do know for sure the surgery itself has been approved for reposition of "a"  battery.   I'll give them until noon tomorrow then I'll be calling both places and my St. Jude rep to badger him also.  (he requested I do this if I don't get a quick response from him.)  What he probably didn't realize is that indeed i will if necessary.

Random subject change here.  We stopped at Sam's on the way her for bottled water and of curse came out with things we didn't go in for.  There was one of those sample demo's set up for a Margarita, wine or Mojito mix and shake bag.  On the rocks or slush.  Whatever you prefer.  Seemed perfect for the beach.  We've made drinks and carried down to beach in the past and they were melted before we even set up.  Here it's easy enough to just pour and go down to your spot but if we were in our previous location we would just bring the pouch with us and being in the chest would be enough to keep them perfect.  JS in case you want to try.  Sam's informed us that this was a demo from company and only there for several days but web site available to buy any time you want on line   Sam's price 3 for $20 or 5 for $30  You do have to add your liquor but I think it's still a bargain compared to 1 drink in a restaurant or bar.   As a side note....if you add more liquor than water it works just as well as pain medication.  Something I've had none of since I've been here. (Friday)  

It's 5 o'clock somewhere

Back to reality tomorrow.  Monday.  We'll probably hit the beach for a couple hours then pack up and leave to take our time coming home.  I need stops at ALL state lines to stretch!  When we arrived on Friday we unpacked and hit the beach until 5 then we ate and did a little shopping at the local Publix.   We really kind of like this store.  Every time we come to Fl we go there and find something we don't find at home in LA.  Example. Peach Fresca.  One of my favorite carbonated beverages.  At home they only have plain ol Fresca.  Here they have Peach Flavor and Raspberry.  D and I both love Kaskhi cookies.   Available at Wal Mart in three different flavors.  Both of our favorites is the oatmeal dark chocolate.  I also love the oatmeal raisin flax.  Not a personal favorite of hubby.  So here at Publix we run across Chocolate Almond Butter....Yum so good!  On our way out we plan to stop at Publix and get a stock of Fresca and Kashi cookies.  

My monogrammed hat from a friend.  Definitely protected my face!

love the feeling of the water rushing over my feet.

So I return home with a funeral to face and say good bye to a dear friend and previous employer who taught me so much about life and why we're here on this earth.  Shortly after another surgery.  I'm told this will be nothing like the first one but excuse me if I'm skeptical because I haven't had a lot of luck with any procedure I've ever had.  I do know for sure that God has a plan for all of us.  I question it all the time.  Every day.  Why me Lord?  Why do I have to be hurting and such a party pooper?  He has never promised us answers.  Only that he is there for us to get through what ever we are facing.   Even though I have my complaints I know that God has a purpose for everything that we face.  It's my cross to carry and I don't have to understand it.  Just know that there is a reason for the challenge to carry on.  Walk by Faith, even when I cannot see.   Because this broken road prepares your will for me.  

In my 13 years in the dental field I worked for 6 different dentist.  2 were for a short period of time.  The others 3 years each and the last 6.  I'll never forget the dentist with most unpopular bedside manner but the smartest I knew asked me in an interview, "If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?". I told him it would be to live to see my kids grown and surviving on their own.  To know what they did with their lives and what they accomplished as an adult on their career paths.  He replied to my answer, "that is the most incredible and honest answer anyone has every said".  "It's the truth I told him, thats all I want to know".  
With that said, I'm grateful to still be here.  My daughter has been very successful in her career.  She is so good at her job she comes and goes as she pleases.  Any dentist is lucky to have her and that is obvious being that every time she has needed to go back to work God provides her with a good dental family to work for.  

As far as my son, that request has not been answered but I have complete faith it will.  I want more for him to succeed than I want to be pain free.  He deserves it and so does his daughter and who I call, "my daughter in law"  They may not have married but I feel like she is part of our family.  We've been through  a lot and over come many differences.  As much as I love my son, I love her for continuing to find the courage to carry on.  She had a degree before coming pregnant with my grandchild but it required her to move away from LA and she was loving enough to not want to leave her daughters family behind.  For her to have them near in the milestones she takes grown up. So she went back to school in 2010 and started all over again. She will be graduating next month with a nursing degree. 

Things have been harder for her than we could every understand.  No consist  help from my son.  Moving an hour and a half away from us and her friends to be with her family to get the help and support she needed to start over again.  Never an easy choice.  I know....I've been there.  It's not about you once you become a parent.  It's about what's best for your child and she has proven that to us more than we needed to know.  

A blast from the past 

April 2010

Things didn't work out for my son with the job we were so excited about.  I guess it wasn't meant to be.  It's so easy to get stuck in the "would have beens".   I know it my heart that God must have had a different plan for him.  Surely God knows how much his daughter and her mom need his support.  Maybe we shouldn't have got our hopes up.  Seemed like a sure deal.  So he continues to try and we continue to pray.  If you've never experienced ADHD as an adult you have no clue how hard it is to get through a day much less focus on continuing a search for a job.  Hopefully there will be other opportunities...Soon. A lot of people counting on him.  

It's time for me to go.  I've been back out to the beach twice since I started this post.  Now were in for the day because we're having dinner out tonight.  D is ready and waiting for me.  My deadline is 5.  I want to go shopping a little first.  I'll be back later this week and let you know my surgery date.  I expect to hear from someone tomorrow to schedule.

Love, prayers & painless days to anyone suffering in this crazy world we live in. 


3 things you cannot recover in life: the WORD after its said, the MOMENT after its missed, and the TIME after its gone.

I should be sleeping

When I was young and we had a family vacation planned, a camping trip or an out of town visit with family my mom was always last to bed and first to rise.  She could never rest her head knowing something needed to be done.  Some things never change, she's still the same.  Guess what?  So am I.  As an adult I've learned that it's part of being a mother.  Making sure every thing is right for our children, our husband.  I handled things the same way.  Always up late with last minute things.  For me I'd rather be up late than have to get up early to get it done.  It takes me hours to get to sleep so why not finish what I'm doing so that's not on my mind while trying to get to dream land.

So here I am tonight. Partially packed.  Still with things I need to take care of. (don't worry, it's all written down, I won't forget anything) Especially my medicine. I couldn't make this drive without them.  My back and legs just won't carry me any longer.  I wanted all my plants and flowers watered.  My neighbor will come and water for me Saturday.  Dinner, watering, packing for Dallas to go to doggy day care.  It just didn't seem to end.  Everything is laid out that needs to go in suit case.  Bathroom and food is packed.  Everything from fridge needs to go in ice chest in the morning is all together so D doesn't have to ask me in the morning, "what goes in the chest?"  He means for me, he knows what he needs.  Beer, check....margarita mix, check....bloody mary ingredients, check...diet coke, check.  

I've given in to laying down to check my email and rest.  I'm crying and I have absolutely no idea why.  Simple things overwhelm me sometime.  Every time D and I hit the highway I get nervous about traveling.  I hate the interstate.  The harder I push myself the more cranky I get.  So I'm venting and then I'll do a little more and maybe I'll be feeling sleepy by then.  D will be up bright and early.  Refreshed and smiling.  I drag myself out moaning and groaning to the Keurig. 

Oh yeah, back to the email.  Two email from friends.  One a fairly new friend via this blog.  She always seems to email me at the right time and say the right thing like she just knew what I needed to hear.  My ailments are so minor compared to hers.  Yet she constantly encourages all of us.  She truly understands, and for that...I love her.  The other email from a long time friend had a couple of sayings that she said reminded her of me.  Thank you dear.  Your being kind.  I really try hard not to complain to much but honestly if you'd listen I would all day.  I don't do it near as much as I do on here.  

A Strong Woman

She can deal with stress and carry heavy burdens. She smiles when she feels like screaming, and she sings when she feels like crying. She cries when she's happy and laughs when she's afraid. Her love is unconditional. There's only one thing wrong with her. She forgets what she's worth!  I love you girl .  

Joyce Meyer wrote :

A strong woman knows how to keep her life in order. Even with tears in her eyes, she still manages to say 'I'm Ok' with a smile. 

I'd heard the Joyce Myers before.  I used to faithfully watch her every night.  I even went to one of her conferences in St. Louis with my mom and a friend a few years back.  I've also read and own many of her books.  If you need a fire lit under you and some inspiration and or encouragement look her up and get some information.  She's great!  

I got a call this morning from the professional at the surgery center who is working with my insurance company.  I was so nervous when I saw the number.  Hoping for good news I answered.  Turns out not good or bad.  He said he'd talked to them and they were supposed to have an answer for him by end of day.  I don't know how he knows but he said it looks good for them to approve  a new battery for me.  He was just waiting for medical advisor to sign off on it.  He promised to call me first thing in the morning if he didn't get an answer today.  I've been fussing about getting an answer so I can get it over but I admit I'm not looking forward to being cut on again.  It's really getting old.  But dealing with this additional unnecessary pain is also.  

Guess I should get back to packing.  I'm so slow in the morning.  I need to push myself  a little more.  Sometime you wonder....is it worth it?  When I get there and I'm on the beach I'll then say YES!. 

I baked some Nutella cookies for some friends last night.  Husband and wife.  Their anniversary was last Wednesday, Friday her birthday and his was today.  The cookies were a bit hit. If you've never made them please do.  They are seriously delightful.  I made sure not to leave any behind because I can't keep my hands off of them.  

After everything is mixed it looks like ice cream.  Then chocolate drops before baking.  When they come out soft and gooey like brownies.  Yummy.  They don't stay soft, but a nuk in the microwave and they taste like right from the oven again.  Of course they are good crunchy too!

I'll catch up with everyone while I'm relaxing on the beach.  
God Bless and love to all. T

all ingredients mix together

tablespoon drops of mixture

Ta da, yummy!

Frustrated

Do you ever just feel like if you want something done, just do it yourself?  If I could I would.  Friday I decided to call my insurance company to see where we stand with an approval of the reposition of IPG.  I hadn't heard from the surgery center or the insurance person at the PM clinic. My insurance company couldn't seem to find any claims for a pre certification pending or denied from either place. This made my anxiety kick in high gear.  I started not to wait 2 weeks but I figured it would take at least that long so no need to call before.  I was so frustrated and disappointed :-(

After this call I was left feeling very saddened at the fact that two weeks have gone by and according to BC/BS we are still at square one.  I just felt like it was an added two weeks of dealing with this issue that could be avoided.  I want so badly to get this over with and move on.  I know it's not true but I felt like no one really cared.  I called my PM clinic and of course got the answering machine for insurance professional.  I told her what I knew and to please call me back because my insurance company told me under the circumstances they can call in for an approval.  That's another thing that bugged me, I could have had an answer a week ago.  

Next I called the person at the surgery center who would be ordering the new IPG and making sure everything is good to go there.  He wasn't available either.  Good ol voice mail.  Next I vented to Mr. R.  He apparently made some calls and at least got to talk to someone.  He said the person at the surgery center was out of town this week and would be back on Monday.  Mr. R said he'd personally call him and have someone get back with me or he would.

I tried really hard this morning to be patient and just wait for a call.  Then at 11 am it dawned on me that I'd been patient for two weeks and apparently did me no good.  If you want something done, done right....do it yourself.  I called back to both places and voice mail for both.  That can really be frustrating when you've already called once and your call has not been returned.  I don't know what else I can do though.  I can't make them talk to me.  If I don't get a call at all today I plan to just show up there tomorrow.  It may make no difference at all but I will let Doc know about the entire situation.  I also plan to ask help from Mr. R again.  I know he has Doc personal number.  Maybe he can light a fire under someone.  

I guess it really bothers me more than most because I did the very same job when I was working in the dental field.  If we didn't have an answer for a patient we called and got one.  We were human and made mistakes some time but always owned up to it and bent over backward to fix it and make them happy somehow.  To not even acknowledge that I'm waiting for an answer kind of makes me feel like they are just annoyed by my "making work" for them.
I know whats going on, their waiting to call me when they have an answer.  That just don't sit with me.  Call me and tell me where we are and what you've done to get an answer.  

On Saturday D and I took P to the zoo.  He had a good time.  It was a beautiful day.  Sun shinning but nice and cool.  We saw a good part of it but I tired out pretty quick.  After we were back home and P was back with mom Nonna hit the recliner.  I had a pretty good rest then went for a walk.  I haven't been doing much of that with my IPG troubles.  I have been however riding my recumbent bike most nights.  Saturday I covered myself with cream, took a pain pill and jacked up the stimulator.  After a 30 minute walk I actually felt a little better.  Later that evening though I was right back down.  I don't know what bothers me most now.  The IPG or back.  They just blend all together. 

Poppa with P at the zoo!

At 2:30 this afternoon I received a call from person I needed to speak to at surgery center.  He explained he had faxed the pre cert to my insurance the same week I saw Dr. but had no idea they didn't receive it.  Last week when I called him he was in Boston and just got my message this morning.  So he has now resent and states he will call tomorrow and make sure they have it.  He said it shouldn't take more than a couple days to get an answer.  The strange part is he said he just got off the phone with Dr. G and got an update on what's going on with my IPG.  ( I guess that was delay in a return call today)  Why would he have to call the doctor to find out what to request from insurance company if he had already sent it once?  That's odd! Oh well at least I know it's being worked on now.

We leave for our long week end get away Friday.  I'm looking forward to being at the beach and hearing the sound of the waves rolling in.  Reading a good book too.  I just hope I can find a way to get comfortable.  Not looking forward to the drive either.  I have to pay to play though.  

My heart goes out to all the victims and their families in Boston and West, TX.

Praying for peace in their hearts and to not be afraid to go forward with their daily lives. 

Hanging in there....Theresa

God is not so concerned about what we do, but why we do it.

Updates

I'm listening to Pandora this Saturday morning while trying to accomplish some house work. 

My Hope is in the Lord, all Day Long. (Aaron Shust)  That's what comes on as I tire out and fix my second cup of coffee and prop my feet up.  Those words in my head everyday when I'm starting to feel down about my disability.  Remembering to focus on what I can do not what I can't.  Such simple things can set it off. Sometime there is no rhyme or reason. Other times it's very obvious what I've done to cause the flare up.  Today?  Clueless.  No rain, didn't over do anything yesterday yet a restless night.  A night with battery site pain with every movement.  Within minutes of my feet hitting the floor a stabbing, burning pain covers my lower back. 

My dear husband was outside shortly after breakfast.  He has worked so hard to make our back yard like a paradise.  For both of us, but I know he wants badly for me to enjoy being home so much.  I guess what I'm saying is since I'm here and hardly want to leave I look back there and sometime feel as if I'm somewhere else.  Thank you dear.

Also, as I'm praying with this song my daughter text me news of their first "baby" Silas.  Their 115 pound chocolate lab.  Beautiful dog.  A face that looks at you with eyes that speak.  Poor thing, he probably feels like Nonna has no love for him.  I've always been stand offish when around after he was no longer a puppy.  Fearful of him hurting my back if he shows his love.  If he jumps on you that's all he's doing.   He became part of the Stevens family early in their marriage.  The mother in me was asking, "why?" Don't you want "us" time first.  He will be just like a kid to care for.  You know this right?  Silly question.  

My son in law was raised with large dogs.  German Shepherds.  His parents still have several and they are a huge part of the family.  My daughter has always had a dog around too.  Her grandparents having one, and her in her childhood.  Even as an outside dog her and my son loved her none the less.  So now here they are with a puppy that will become very big and Nonnas worried about when the first grandchild comes along.  That was all fine too.  He's just a big ol playful teddy bear.  I knew he'd never intentionally hurt P but as an infant the grandmother in me worried terribly about Silas accidentally hurting him.  One of the first things P would say was the name he used to talk about Silas.  

Silas was hit by a truck a few days before Easter.  Knocked into a ditch and and a nasty one at that.  He had a huge gash to be sewn up and a lot of fractures.  He pulled through even though there were scares.  When he wouldn't eat, or get up.  So he made a trip back to the vet this am to have stitches removed.  They kept him to sedate and do another x ray and remove stitches.  What they weren't expecting was a recommendation to do a very expensive surgery to put plates over the breaks.  I'm not talking hundreds, I'm talking thousands.  My heart immediately sank for them.  Our "baby" Dallas has been with us only 2 years prior to Silas and I can't imagine having to make a decision that will effect something you care about so much.  I really don't know what we'd do.  It's a lot of money.

It bothered me so much that as I started this post I completely forgot what I was going to share with you today.   I really hate this for them, but I guess it comes along with being a pet owner.  If you don't have one you really don't have any idea how much it is just like being a parent.  Feeding them, shots and check ups at the vet, a sitter if your gone and the unexpected expenses.  If you've been following my blog you know we experienced that last fall with Dallas' surgery.  We had no idea when we brought him in for his "routine" check up he'd need surgery.                                       

Silas

SIL with Silas

Dallas and Silas

Monday I saw my surgeon who did my SCS surgery.  Here is our plan.  What he recommended.  Pretty much what Mr. R said but a little different.  He checked it again.  No chance of it going back in place or the soreness, burning sensation and on and off discomfort that flares up. Living with it is just not an option.  It would make the implant pointless.  Like trading one pain for another.  He thinks our best option is stepping down to the smaller battery that I initially wanted to begin with.  The insurance professional at his office has sent a request for preauthorization.  He really can't tell me if they will agree to that being there is nothing wrong with the one I have.  They will most likely want him to try and reposition.  He said he will do his best to get them to see that there is a much greater chance of avoiding another surgery if we step down to smaller size.  The other benefit is the anchor that has my leads tied to battery will not be needed.  This anchor is also another tender spot.  Mostly when I lean against something hard.  Hence, why if you know me that's why you hardly ever see me without my cushion.  The smaller battery does not have to be anchored because even if it were to turn over in my buttock it still works.  You can still charge and communicate with the stimulator paddle.

So what if they won't?  Doc said first we try repositioning the current IPG and give it a try.  There is not much room to move anterior.  It is not an option to move further down on the buttock.  If that does not work I was assuming he'd say we'd move to the other side.  Mr. R had prepared me for that news.  What I wasn't prepared to hear is that if replacement doesn't work we wouldn't try the buttock again.  So I would have thought stomach but he said flank area.   This is side between ribs and hip bone.  Anterior placement.  Also means to be cut in 3 places and have leads tunneling through my side.  Nope, not happening.  If first two options fail, the entire SCS system is coming out.  Done, thats all I'm saying about that!

I will add that I'm ready to get it over with.  As soon as I hear from the insurance company I'm scheduling the procedure and moving on with healing again.  Part of the work D continues to work on is our pool.  Keeping it beautiful.  I want to get in so bad.  It's such good therapy for me.  The water is still to cold but won't be much longer.  Just about the time it's warm enough I'll have stitches and have to stay out.  So you see I want to get it done, heal and get in that pool!   We got it late in the summer last year so this will be the first time to enjoy an entire summer enjoying it.  In addition to pain relief it also gives me an opportunity to do something different for exercise.  Something I enjoy doing, and is not uncomfortable the entire time.

My son is doing well.  He's had a couple of sessions with a SW that he has went to on his own.  He is finally starting to feel like himself again.  He still isn't sleeping but several hours a night but the psychologist said this is normal and may continue another two weeks.  He's job searching and were thrilled that he is searching outside of the restaurant business.  Matter of fact he had an interview on Wednesday that would be a great job for him with daytime hours and benefits after 90 days.  Sick time and vacation.  He's been working since he was 16.  Being in the restaurant field had left him without ever having those benefits.  Vacation or sick time?  Nope, your sick...no pay.  You want a vacation?  Hope you've saved some money because you won't get a pay check.  At least not if your a waiter.  Maybe the chefs or managers.  Who knows, but we're thrilled he has stepped out of his comfort zone and realizes he needs to get away from that life style and hours.  It's little steps at a time but as far down as he was you couldn't just jump back to top of the ladder.  He has a long long climb up.

About Jeannie, my friend and previous employer I've written about is still here.  That's the truth of the matter.  She's just here.  She's pretty much being kept comfortable but surprisedly has moments where she is speaking and asking questions.  Matter of fact her husbands latest journal post mentioned he is struggling with what to tell her when she comes around and asks these questions.  She is confused as to why she is in a hospital bed at her home.  Why she isn't in her bed? (It's right next to their bed) For the first time in days she seemed focused on him. He struggled about what to tell her?  Always honest about everything with each other, he couldn't see himself lying to her.   So he told her just like she was being told the first time, that she has cancer.  Ed said she took it with grace and strength just like the first time but it concerned him she would ask again.  Wouldn't it be more loving to tell her something more positive?  He even asked for advise.  All of his latest posts are so tender and loving I can see him holding her hand, lying next to her singing their favorite songs as he wrote about.  They are truly an example of what "until death do us part" is all about.  Two hospice members had examined her the day before and listed several signs that the end would be soon, but also noted that her vital signs have not budged since coming home two weeks ago. 

I'm nearing 10,000 pages views on my blog.  I started a year ago and ironically I may reach that number within this anniversary month.  I never knew it would be so therapeutic for me. Nor did I realize the long distance friends I would make, and encouragement I would receive from people living with their own trials.  Thank you once again.

For the heart that finds joy in small things, in all things, ever day is a wonderful gift.
Anonymous

The week end

You know the people you work with can become like your family.  After all sometime you spend more time with them than you "real" family.  Something I miss about working.  I received an invitation to get together with them Saturday evening.  Things can change quickly.  It started out as 10.  By Friday night it was down to 5 and by Saturday morning 3.  Everyone had legit reasons and lets face it, it's pretty hard to have that big of a group to all be available on the same date.  We're going to try again soon though.  My therapist would have been happy to hear I was getting out of the house with friends.

When the plans cancelled I made a list of places I needed to go.  I wasn't going to try that if the dinner was on but since it had been postponed I made my list and decided to walk before I bathed and took off.  As I started my walk I could feel my battery starting to move around and become uncomfortable.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to do this or not.  After about 10 minutes into it I had to hold my hand and put pressure on it to continue walking.
I usually try to do 30 minutes but I struggled to get through.  I know for sure something has to be done.

When I came in I decided to try something different.  I've been wearing a pain patch every other day.  On the opposite day using aspercream, mineral ice, heating pad I could keep going.  My husband had me try some capsaicin a few years ago and I had a terrible reaction to it.  It burned my back like it was on fire and it literally had a huge red circle on my back where it was burning.  It took several hours to go away.  Stopped the pain all right, I couldn't feel anything else.  Well, I decided to try roll on aspercream.   No mess, easy to roll on.  The cream works good for a short time so figured the roll on would penetrate even better.  NOT..... Had the same exact reaction.  A big ball of stinging fire again.  It felt like the redness on my back was going to turn into blisters.   By the time I bathed, got ready and ran my errands I had to lie down until it was time to go eat.

You see, my husband jumped on the idea that if I had plans to go out that I should keep them,  just with my him instead of my friends.  He had crawfish a couple of times already this year but not me.  I'd been wanting some.  I couldn't say no since he was offering. So he decided to take me out for crawfish.  They were great!  Nice and spicy, just the way I like them.  If your lips aren't burning then they aren't hot enough.  Just about all the times I had crawfish last year they were pretty bland.  Not these, Yummy!

When we got home I was pretty uncomfortable after the long drive on Friday and a full day Saturday.  I took my pain medicine as soon as I got in and two hours later took 3/ 200 mg ibuprofen.  Several hours later it seemed worse instead of better.  I haven't had this intense pain in awhile.  By the time I went to bed I had to take more pain med.  When it gets out of hand like that it's so hard to get under control again.  

Today was no different.  I had a restless night.  Every time I turned over in the bed my battery hurt.  Placing pressure if I ended on that side.  I got up determined not to let it beat me.  I had plans to cook a huge batch of red beans. Some for me during week and some for my son and his kind friend who is letting him stay there while he gets on his feet again.  He's doing great by the way.  I'll update you on that next post.  

Tomorrow morning is my appointment with PM doctor to go over options for getting rid of this battery discomfort.  I kind of know what he will tell, me thanks to Mr. R, but I guess the doc will need an answer from me.  I'm going to have to see someone again soon for more reprogramming.  The two Mr. R added are just not cutting it.  I told my husband I think I will give Lovely a try again.  Sometime you just need a different way of trying to reprogram to be successful.  

We opened our pool today which made me think more negative about fixing my battery issue.  Just when it will be warm enough to get in I'll be healing and have to stay out for 2-3 weeks.  I know.....complain complain.  It's just getting so old.  I have to vent sometime.  I'd just like to get up one day and feel normal.  

  closed/opened

pic of extra fencing

Our neighbor mentioned to the treasurer of the HOA who happens to live on the other side of her that she felt like our deck being midway up the fence was an invasion of her privacy.  She likes to go outside in her nightgown through out the day to smoke or take her dog out.   We really didn't have a problem with it because it made us uncomfortable when we were up there able to see over the fence into her yard anyhow.  I actually tried to avoid it.   After some time the boards will all be the same color anyway.  

Some different views.  Took the temperature and it was 60 degrees.  We took a sample to the pool place and they said we're good to go.  Pumps running again and hopeful after a couple weeks of sunshine on the water all day it will warm enough to get in.  I can't wait.  Feels so good and relaxing for my back. 

D is back at making the beer.  His first batch was a big hit so he's making some more.  Every one that he gave a bottle to said they really enjoyed it.  I think I was the only person who didn't try it.  My daughter is like me, having no taste for beer but thought if she was going to drink some it may be the one she'd try.   She said it was not bad.

God Bless everyone and hug those babies!

Staying strong....Theresa

I mentioned in last post I'd like to share with you one of the two poems the daughter in law  wrote for my cancer fighting friend.  Jeannie's youngest son is a pilot and so is his wife.  To make some sense you also need to know they like to hunt and Jeannie and Ed lost a daughter (Maggie years back) Jeannie was diagnosed on Oct 1, 2010.

The Way to Go

October first took a turn for the worst.

One of those days you would like to curse.

They went to visit her at the grave.

Flowers were brought and then they were laid.

Seventeen years have gone past, 

since they laid her there, down to rest.

It's opening day so I'm on the stand,

waiting to hear the results from the scan.

He called to tell me the news of his mother. 

It was about what they had discovered.

Hearing the painful sound of the word. 

We all asked if it could be cured.

The answer was no, not now, nor ever, 

unless its the plans of our greatest creator.

They said that she's barely alive.

It's already at stage five.

So we loaded our things and packed up clothes. 

We both knew where we wanted to go.

It was just some pains like she had before, 

but it took her to the doctors door.

You should be dead are the words he said. 

Your liver, your colon, is where it's spread.

Just two years ran through our ears,

that's the time she has left here.

Her chemo started while turning fifty-three, 

all we could do is pray from our knees.

So once a week she took the beaten, 

waiting to hear that it has weakened.

Up and down the results came through, 

but here we were now the end of year two.

We watched her with all of her might. 

She worked really hard to conquer the fight.

Here we are now almost six months past, 

wishing that time didn't travel so fast.

We've all had a chance to say goodbye,

to make it easier for us when she closes her eyes.

Ashlie N. Martin 3/29/2013