A lot to be Thankful for

Here we are a little over a month later from my last post.  I always have good intentions to blog, but getting on my computer has not been a priority.  Even though there are many holiday things I should or could be doing I've made me the priority.  Many days I've been resting or reading and thought I should update my readers and let them know how I'm doing.  Finally, here I am.

I saw my rheumatologist a week ago Monday.  On that day I had started the medication he recommended just 3 days before. To soon to tell anything yet.  I was shocked to hear him say that patients who have never been on an opioid have a higher percentage rate of it working.  What?  Now you tell me.  I'm always in that low percentage so I didn't like hearing this.  Never the less, I'm thrilled to no longer be taking the pain medication.  I'm at the point that every day that is a "normal" day my pain scale is level all day.  It never decreases, only increases with activity.  I can live with this much better than the highs and lows of the way narcotics effect you.  If this new medication will help my FM pain I will feel really good about the place I'm in right now.

The first Monday of December I saw my therapist and asked her if I could taper off of my antidepressant.  I really expected her to say no.  What I was taking is also good for anxiety so I didn't think she'd go for it.  At the end of our session she told me it was obvious to her that I was still hurting but she saw many differences.  The tone in my voice, the sound of hope, and some smiles.  (Geez, didn't realize I never smiled)  She said, "YES".  Woo hoo another one bites the dust. ( pills ).  I've been off it for 11 days.  So far so good.

I really believe everything I've been trying in the past and taking now was not helping because of the narcotic.  Last week I had a particular day that was tough for me.  That night I had hives by the time I went to bed on my arm on my hip on same side.  The next day I was down most of the day.  Sore muscles, nerve spasms in most of the FM tender points.  The good news is that I seem to be having fewer of these days.  If I'm at home and don't over exert myself with something out of my normal routine I can say I'm doing better.  Again, the day to day pain has been so much more manageable than before.  I know this is it.  This is my life.  I think part of dealing with it better is that I no longer have any idea of what "normal" feels like.  You don't miss what you don't remember.  I have no clue what it would feel like to wake up and feel well.  

I'm still walking as often as I can.  If you suffer from back pain and you can manage to get started it will be so beneficial for you.  If you don't do something to continue to strengthen it, it just gets weaker.  Does that mean it's easy...no chance.  I really do a lot of "I can do it" chanting and I listen to Christian music while I walk.  It has become therapy mentally and physically for me.  I get a natural "high" when I make it to the finish line.  It must be something like that for runners.  It is a big challenge, and you should take it on.  It is so worth the time you put into it.  Stretching after it must, so it adds a little more time.   If your going to do it, do it right so you really do some good.  I feel the best I feel all day for the first hour after my walk.  Web MD has some great stretches for people with lower back pain.  Do's and don'ts.  You have to make sure they are ok for your particular case.  

So what am I up to right now?  I'm recently obsessed with The O'Reilly Factor.  I've learned more about politics since the Michael Brown shooting than I've learned in my adult life.  Not to mention all the other things going on in this INSANE crazy world we live in.  

I'm making a reading list.  All of a sudden there are a lot of new books out I want to read.  Also some new music I'm interested in.  I'm not stressing out about Christmas.  What I get done, I will.  What I don't, I'm really not that concerned about it.  That's unusual for me.  

Going to the movie theater is not big on my list.  To hard to sit through the movie.  I'd love to see the Hobbit (The Battle of the Five Armies) and Unbroken....at the theater.  If I go once a year that's a lot for me so I'm challenging myself.  There are some movies you just need to see on the big screen.  Last night my husband and I watched "When the Game Stands Tall"
It was awesome and I highly recommend it.  It's based on a true story.

What am I excited about.....what else? The Celebrity Apprentice is BACK! Jan 4.  A great cast of celebrities.  The only thing that makes up for the end of DWTS.
Alfonso was my pick from the beginning.  I was so happy for him.  Everyone in the final four was great though.  All deserving.  

Tomorrow will be two weeks on the new medication.  I really want to believe it's helping.  Time will tell.  Oh and one more thing.  I found some research that links hives with FM.  I've been doing a lot of trials of getting off of things to see if that was the cause.  I really believe I've found my answer, which is, they are not going anywhere.  Monday I had to have a biopsy for a spot on my arm and it just so happened that the other arm had several hives out.  I discussed with my dermatologist once more and showed him some pictures so he could see how many more I have at one time these days.  Not to mention the size of them seems to have increased.  He gently told me after this long I can't count on one thing, they are here to stay.  The good news is that studies have found that sometime in your 60's you "outgrow" them.  Such a hilarious term.  I'll be 50 in a few weeks. 10 down 10 to go.  Something to look forward to.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a safe and fun New Year.
Theresa

The joy in my heart

Thanksgiving day

I MADE IT!

After what seemed a life time ( reality..2months) I'm finally free of pain medication running my life.  It's true, it did.  Everything I did was planned around when or how long ago I'd taken my pain medication.  It was never questionable.  If it had worn off, and wasn't time for my next one, I couldn't do it.   I don't regret having to take it as long as I did but I do regret that my doctor didn't encourage me sooner to see what would happen if I stopped taking it.

My rheumatologist had mentioned in the past when I would complain about the various FM drugs I've tried not working that it could be the narcotic blocking it.  No pressure, just information.  You never could have convinced me that I could function without it.  

Wednesday will be one week completely free from a pill doing me more harm than good.  I think each two week step down was just as, if not harder than,  the first 3 days of being totally off.   

Wednesday:  I awake thinking OMG how am I going to get through this day?  Nothing for relief.  I AM NOT a bed person.  How in the world will I manage?  No NSAIDS allowed.

Text message from my husband: How u doin?
Me: Brave of you to ask.....then a list of complaints 
Him: no, your brave!

 My first accomplishment was to take a walk, which I done 43 out of the 58 days I've been on this journey.  During the summer I was swimming and walking in the pool for exercise.  Don't get me wrong,  this is excellent exercise.  Everyday that I was in there I was praising God we were fortune enough to work out a way to have a pool for me to exercise in.  All of my doctors have said, "KEEP MOVING".  Walking was a different story.  I had slowly worked up to walking short distances after my first stimulator surgery.   Several months later I was walking a little over a mile and increased to a good pace for me.  After I had the revision surgery a year later as soon as the doctor gave me the ok I got back to it once
more.  This time I couldn't keep with it.  I couldn't walk through the pain.   I stuck to swimming, walking, PT stretchs in the pool and riding my recumbent bike for exercise.  

A week before I started the tapering I made up my mind that I was going to walk it out no matter what.  10 minutes, 20 minutes, whatever I could do was better than staying inside and fighting this battle with no other help.  Once I made up my mind I was able to do it.  I had to do it right away or I'd let the pain take over my mind and win.  After the walk I did a 25 minute stretch routine that consisted of all the back and core strengthening exercises that my physical therapist taught me.  It took and is still taking commitment to get it done. If I had an appointment I got up early enough to do beforehand.  I knew that if I could get my back a little stronger would help me in the end of this process. 

Thursday:  Each day will be a little better.  Not day 2 though...it was worse than day one. 
During the time of day that I usually took my pain medicine my body was screaming at me. My back hurt so bad.  I just couldn't imagine how this was going to work.  I reminded my self I trust my doctor.  Why would he just torture me for nothing.

Text message from my daughter: How r u?
Me: A bunch of nonsense about how it has to get better than this : < (   A comment my PM doctor said to me on Monday when I saw him. ( you'll find after about 2 months your pain will level off to a lower degree and mostly stay the same.  90% of people find they feel so much better in the end)  I go on with my nonsense to text, " he obviously forgot I live in the 10%". 
Her: Well you've had victory with every other med step you've taken so we'll believe you will here too!! Take it easy.

doing a lot of soaks with this

It's that kind of support that helped me through some though days.  There are very few people who understand what I've been through I have many who care.  Even some of my readers have checked on me.  Thank you, it means the world to me to know you understand and support me.  

Unfortunately when Friday rolled around I had an added discomfort jump on board.  It started as a flaming throat and nose.  At first I just thought it was allergy but by Sunday it involved my ears and chest.  I feel like an moose is sitting on my chest.  I'm hanging in there since I have a doctor appointment Wednesday anyway.   Of course my old friend "the hives" have been lurking around just to make thinks a little more uncomfortable.  A few days I didn't have any but most days I had at least one and at most four.

I hate these buggers :-(

They'll never leave me!

I've been out very little ( besides my walk ) A trip to the fruit stand, very close to my house.  Saturday evening went to eat at some friends house and watch the LSU-BAMA game.  I really wanted to get out of the house and knew my friend would keep me laughing which would be so good for me.  I was right about that too.  I was happy to see my husband getting to watch the game with friends.  We used to always do something for the game but this season we've been right here.  Today I tackled getting gas and going inside Wally World for a few things.   I can tell you I've spent quite a bit of time soaking in the tub but it really helps.  

In conclusion I feel like when this allergy/sinus issue is better I can really tell how I'm feeling.  I feel like my back is getting stronger and when it does start to hurt from activity it's a totally different pain.  There is a constant "soreness" more than "pain" from the start of day that turns into a medium grade pain.  When I'm over this I can't wait to see how I really feel.  I'm quite surprised at how my back felt today and praying it continues and is real.  I guess what I mean is sometime when something else is hurting you can put your chronic pain at the bottom.  I'm not saying this a good situation but just how it can be.  I plan to update you in a couple of weeks to let you know how I feeling.  For the first time in a long time, I'm looking forward to each coming day.  

Live in Peace not in pieces

Iylana Vanzant

My big princess

P on his 5th birthday

My little princess

My two week pity party

I changed my mind three times for the title of this post.  I saw some hope and once again feel defeated....

Two weeks ago tomorrow it dawned on me that I was supposed to stop taking any NSAIDS until my scope that was scheduled for that Friday the 30th.  Great, day one tomorrow of a week of hell.  I just didn't know how I was going to deal without my "extra" help.  

Sunday wasn't to bad because I tried not to do anything more than I had to.  The following day was Memorial Day and D had grilled the day before so I didn't even have to cook.  I'd really started to dive into my gluten free change. I had very little left in the house of mine that would be a "no-no".  I was pretty set for the week.  

Tuesday I went to my daughters house as usual to watch the grandkids.  I got through it.  I'm usually pretty beat when I leave but my pain level was pretty up there this day.   Each day seemed harder and harder.  I did everything I could to get through without the ibuprofen and not increase the pain medicine.  More creams, increased stimulation and a lot of praying.  In the end it caused a flare up that was out of control and guess who came to visit...yeah my friends the hives.

Thursday evening came around and I was so relieved it was over.  Try and sleep tonight, take the test tomorrow and get some answers.  I always believe before every appointment or test I'm going to get an answer.  The same answer I've wanted to know for years.  No different news about this text.  Pictures looked the same as last year.  That part is good, but the fact that my symptoms are much worse are not.  He said absolutely no more ibuprofen.  I'm crushed! What about cutting back I asked him?  He said, "well, you could take 1 TID"  I seriously thought he was joking.  I take 4 at a time.  I was thinking more along the lines of taking the 4 once a day instead of twice.

My mind drifts back to the Limbrel that my PM doctor wanted me to try.  I tell the gastroenterologist about it and he agrees it's a great option to try.  So I take my first dose when we get home with my coffee I missed earlier that am. I had another prescription to pick up that day so I discussed how to take the Limbrel with my pharmacist.  I was thinking it was like the ibuprofen and you have to wait 2 hours between it and pain medicine.  She let me know it doesn't work like pain medicine and not to get my hopes up to get relief instantly.  If it  works it will be an overall reduction in pain scale by reducing some of my inflammation.  She said it won't make me feel better, then ware off like the pain medicine.  So when I returned home I was glad to know I didn't have to wait two hours to take my pain medicine.  It was almost lunch time and I was just taking my morning regime of medication. 

It's supposed to work best on an empty stomach so I wanted to do my best to try and take it that way.  By my second dose that night I was so nauseated :/(
Please God, let this be temporary.  One of the side effects but should pass quickly.  Not taking with food will help your body absorb better.  It continued most of the week.  Wearing off a little each day.  Finally by Thursday I was past it almost completely.  Then the bombshell hit...I went to bed that night and shortly after lying down starting feeling as if the bed was spinning.  Ok, this was weird.  What in the world is different.  It continued to get worse and keep me from sleeping.  I took out my pain/medicine journal and started to study.  

I got up Friday morning and when my feet hit the floor I felt so dizzy I went right back down.  It was so weird to me I'd never really experienced dizziness like this.  Both times I tried Lyrica I though I was dizzy but now I'd call that "light headed".  More like a brain fog or brain zaps.  My eyes twitched with that medication also. 

I had a friend coming over to visit and wasn't by any means canceling my plans.  My car was in the shop and I was stuck home anyway so I tried not to let it get me down.  I told myself hey, your not going anywhere today anyhow so couldn't be a better day to happen to you. It will pass and be over.

Speaking of my friend,  One of the things I love about her is she has no problem calling me and saying, "hey are you free this week I want to come visit?".  Perfect day for her to come since I was at home and even though I was feeling pretty weird having her here kept my mind off of the dizziness and my worry of why? It actually lightened a lot for some time but then later in the afternoon right about the time D got home I had to get still and recline in my chair.  I still took my evening dose of the Limbrel and I could tell after that the swaying, spinning and nauseas feelings returned with a vengeance.  Ugh...this can't be happening.  Please tell me it's not the medication.  If it isn't though, what is it? I really need this medicine to help me and to not make me have new problems.  After another rough night Friday night and barley able to get around Saturday am I was really getting down about this.

Who can I call on a Saturday?  Ah..my pharmacist. I love her.  She knows my husband and I both and I can talk to her about most anything.  I let her know what was going on and she recommended I get something over the counter for nausea because that usually helps with dizziness also.  She recommended I try some Bonine until I talk to the doctor on Monday. 

 She said there was a possibility it may not even be the Limbrel.  It may be vertigo she said.  I don't know what would be worse to not be able to use the Limbrel or deal with treating Vertigo?  We talked about how I'd recently started swimming again.  Maybe I had some water in my middle ear she suggested?  Maybe this, maybe that.  Try this and call your doctor Monday.  The most she could do for me.  She's not a doctor after all she reminded me.  She could see the disappointment.  I couldn't hide it. 

I had taken the morning dose and decided on my own to skip the night dose.  At 1am I was finally able to lay my head down and try to sleep.  Even the Bonine was not helping at all.   I'd decided I'd rather start over if I have to because it's the only way I see to know if that's what's causing the trouble.  Sunday morning I was so exhaused from the previous two nights lack of sleep. I pushed my way though a epson soak hoping to detox some of the medication out of my system and I was really adding to the large amount of water I drink.

I wish I could explain how I was feeling.  I tried telling my husband.  He said he understood but I know he didn't.  What's new with me not feeling good?  It's always something.  I am a fighter though.  I was so sick of feeling sick that I wasn't spending another day stuck in my house feeling like I had to hang around the bath room and hold on to the walls.  I got dressed and made myself to to the store.  I think I know how a drunk person feels driving now.  Don't know how I got there but I did and I was ok.  Felt good to get out of the house. 

It wasn't until 5 this evening I seemed to feel better.  Matter of fact I had went out side and realized I was watering and doing ok.  I decided to get in the pool and walk around a few laps.  It went very well surprisingly.  Could this be over?  But what does that mean?  I can't take the Limbrel?  That really stinks.  Guess I will wait to talk to him when he calls instead of making conclusions.  Maybe I can try the lower dose of 250.  I asked my pharmacist if maybe eating with it may be helpful.  She said that is not a side effect that would change from eating with food.  

So I wait...like usual.  On them to see what they say.  I'm expecting to hear it mostly like was the Limbrel causing or why would it have cleared up over the past two days.  If it continues to stay clear guess I know for sure.  Like I said above, I really needed this medicine to work for me but I push myself though a lot with my back already hurting.  I guess if I can't take it just wasn't meant to be.  Worse case i'll take the ibuprofen anyway.  At this point I'm just looking forward to sleeping good tonight and waking up feeling "normal" for me.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my new psychologist.  Third one.  I really like the previous one but she retired to be with her daughter in another state having her first grandchild.  I guess I can't hold that against her. I just hope this therapist and I connect and have the same relationship I did with Dr. L.  I have a lot of questions for her.  None pertaining to any of my issues from this week end.  She doesn't prescribe that medication for me.  I plan to ask her to try and wean off of some of my others if she thinks I am ready. 

Thank God for my stimulator and it working so much better than it used to.  I couldn't tolerate what I do without it.  Some parts of my post may not seem right as far as time lines and days.  I tried multiple times to write but many things were out of the question with the dizziness.  Reading, watching TV, checking email, walking around in the pool.  Very simple things I couldn't do.  It was so frustrating.  Tomorrow is a new day.  If I can't take the medicine I accept that.  I just hope it doesn't come back.  I have no idea what my treatment for inner ear problems or whatever vertigo treatment is.

Struggling to keep up H.O.P.E.
Theresa

Morning Prayer to start your day.

I will this day live a simple, sincere and serene life; repelling promptly every thought of impurity, discontent, anxiety, fear, and discouragement.  I will cultivate health, cheerfulness, happiness, charity and the generosity in giving, carefulness in conversation and diligence in appointed service.  I pledge fidelity to every trust in a childlike faith in God.  I will be faithful in exercise, deep breathing and good posture.  Eat only healthy foods and get sufficient sleep each night. I will make every effort to improve myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually every day of my life.  

No place like home

Well, I made it back safe and sound.  I won't say I returned rested and relaxed by no means.  I'll take safe and sound first anyhow.   I knew before we left sleep would be an issue for me.  I have trouble getting it at home in my own bed.  For to many years I've been awake all night away from home not able to sleep.  I had my psychologist prescribe me 5 Ambien in case of desperation.  

It's an awful medicine to get off of if you take to long, my opinion, so I swore I'd never use it again.    Never say never.  The first night the weather was terrible.  We had a balcony stateroom so you could hear all noises outside in the ocean.  It was the first time I'd been on a floor that high.  ( because of balcony) You notice the rocking of the ship a lot more on deck 9.  Thank goodness there was only one other night of bad weather.  I was pretty scared and not ashamed to admit it.  My mom was out enjoying herself that first night and at 2 am my anxious self was still wide awake when she came in.  Yes, I'd taken the ambien.  Even after she was in I still couldn't relax and sleep.  Lets just say she makes a little noise when sleeping.  Like my dear husband, but a little louder.  The first night was pretty rough and I was glad to see the morning come.  I got approximately 3-4 hours sleep and my body was not happy with me for it.  

Each night was some battle.  My mother worried about me so much she purposely stayed out one night hoping I'd get some sleep.  Unfortunately, I don't sleep on demand.  Kind of like a day time nap.  No matter how tired, my body just refuses.  By Wednesday night I'd come up with putting my ear pieces in my ears instead of just resting my phone on the side of my pillow.  ( using the pink noise app)  When I did go to sleep this helped drown out any noises in the room.  Yes, there were others.  A creaking door that lead to connecting staterooms.  Our noisy guests next door.  They really didn't care what time it was to go out on the balcony and make noise and celebrate.  Next cruise, if there is one, I'll request to be in between two elderly couples.  

"The Pearl" Our ship is behind, a little bigger "The Spirit"

Outside of the sleep issue we enjoyed ourself.  The food was wonderful.  Hard decisions on where and what to eat.   So many options to do it was hard to choose each night.  One night before a show we went to game show at a night club.  The band played a snip it from a television series theme and you had to take a guess and write it down.  The crowd was in groups and very competitive.  I surprised myself at how many I knew.  Turns out many of the 25 were from when I was little so I knew the answer.  My mom recognized the music but didn't know the name being she didn't really see the programs.  Some of them were: The Brady Bunch, The Adams Family, Green Acres, Bonanza, The Pink Panther, The Odd Couple and The Rockford Files to name a few.  That was fun.  Another lady with us was really into it and got so excited with everyone we had right.  You'd swear our prize was a million dollars.

Every night there was some sort of excellent entertainment in the "Stardust Theater"  On the Monday night we saw a comedian who had our jaws hurting he was so funny.  I haven't laughed that hard in some time.  There was an act of two Russians, ( male and female ) who were amazing.  I don't know if they were lovers, but they sure seemed to be.  It was a beautiful, death defying romantic performance.  I won't bore you with every night.  It was well worth your time to go an see.  The only down side was we had to really get there early to get a seat at the end of an isle. The theater held a lot of guests but it was one long isle.  You know, where there is no way for someone to pass unless you stand up?  It's quite and effort sometime for me to get up out of those types of chairs.  I didn't care if I had to sit at the top.  It was worth it to not climb over people and to stand up and stretch any time I felt like it.  

My friends and family are very familiar with my cushion I carry around everywhere with me.  It made it all over that cruse ship and back home.  If only it could talk....

After a show one night they had a chocolate lovers buffet.  There is not one thing chocolate they didn't have.  Cheese cake, any and every kind of cake.  Chocolate sculptures.  Chocolate covered things!  It was a sight to see.  The only down side was the time of night.  It was late.  I really can't have caffein after lunch much less at 10:45 at night.  That's ok, my mom enjoyed for both of us.  Love you mom. 

one of the chocolate sculptures 

I would say one of my moms favorite things was listening to music.  She loves to hear a live band and loves to dance.  She even got up on stage with one female singer she befriended and the lead singer officially titled her as her "back up dancer". My mom got a huge round of applause after.  I took a few pictures during then I took off before the song was over in case my mom came towards me.  Hee hee.
Seriously I'm just joking.  She loved it and I loved seeing her enjoy herself. 

Mom's new friend

"Proud Mary"

Another thing the two of us enjoyed was a massage.  I went first and she had hers a couple hours following me.  We had the same massage therapist and she was great.  I've never been disappointed with a massage on a cruise.   This was my third time cruising and my third time meeting a wonderful person who taught me something.   They had a steam room to use and I definitely made use of it everyday, but once.  It really helped with the bursitis and fibro pain.  Oh how I miss going to the one at the "Y".  It feels so awesome when you leave.  If you've never tried it, please do.  It's great for muscle and joint pain, to release toxins and leave your skin looking good.  I'm sure there are many other benefits.  

We got off of the boat on three different occasions.  My mom and I were a good pair for shopping because neither of us can make it very long.  We were usually ready to return around the same time.
At every port we met interesting people and had good conversation.  It was the same on the boat.  Every night we met someone new and then would end up seeing them again.  I met a couple the first day who were on their honeymoon and I saw them most everyday.   With 2500 passengers you wouldn't expect it, but it happened.  He had been on quite a few cruises but it was her first.  

goofing off in Costa Maya

She's going in

During dinner at one of the nicer restaurants we met an interesting couple who'd seem to done a lot of traveling.  They had some interesting stories to share  On the other side of us were two nice gentlemen who were just as pleasant and joined us in our conversations.  Made for an interesting dinner night.  We only seemed to meet and spend time with very friendly people.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, shows, karaoke, dancing or site seeing.  We didn't run across anyone who wasn't kind to us.  

At dinner one night

With all that said, I still couldn't be happier to step foot on the port of New Orleans.  Check my passport and let me out of here.  I miss my hubby and my family.  I haven't been that happy to see him in some time.  I guess it's good to get away from your spouse sometime to really appreciate them.  Of course the baby at home really missed me too.  Dallas.  I'll update you on him next post.  He has a surgery coming up in two weeks.  I didn't sleep much the first night home, but I will say the second night I was sleeping at 11pm and did not wake up until 9:45 am.  VERY unusual for me.  I sure needed it.  I can't tell you the last time I had that much sleep.   

I'm struggling with fibromyalgia pain at intense levels.  Hence my outbreak of hives since I've been home.  It made two weeks yesterday that I've been off of the Lyrica.  I'm not sure how I'll continue to keep going without it.  The good news is my stimulator is still in check.  I believe I'm setting a record for myself now on time between adjustments.  I'd never have survived the cruise without it.  

Speaking of my stimulator, as a fellow blogger who recently stated, you get to cut the line when passing through the zapper. (that's what I call it)  I had my card out to show them and they barely looked at it.  He just waved me on over and patted me down.  On the boat, as we got on and off at various ports, it was even easier.  I flashed the card and they just had me bypass.  No patting.  

I'm praying for a blessed Easter Sunday for everyone.  Don't over do it please.  You know the following day is really the one that kills you.  I'm thankful to be home.  I'm thankful for my life, my family and friends.  I'm also thankful for the support of the above and my readers.  Your emails and own blogs inspire me to keep on keeping on sometime.  

God Bless.....
Full of H.O.P.E. 
Theresa

Happy Day of Birth A

Today is my granddaughters 4th birthday.  She is one special little girl.  I know all grandmothers think "their" grandkids are the sweetest.  A has a nurturing character.  She's been caring for her "babies" before she could care for herself.  Which by the way she did early on.  She was ready to potty long before most little girls her age.  And when she had "other business" if you know what I mean, she wanted a book and the door closed! 

1 year old 2010

Two special days in my life (apart from my wedding day and birth of my own children) is the day each of my grandchildren were born.  It is still so clear in my head.  I hope I never forget as I age.  I got a call shortly after arriving at work from my son that her moms water broke.  The plan was for A to be born at the hospital where A's mom and her moms family is near.  This was an hour trip from Baton Rouge.  They left not long after we talked and I became a nervous wreck.  I'd been anticipating this day for months.  All my co workers wanted me to leave at that moment.  I wanted to wait and see when she arrived and make sure it was "true labor" and she would be admitted.  I guess they thought I was selfish and why would I chance missing it.  I wouldn't dare, but my back surgery was 2 months and 1 week previous and I was still struggling sitting for very long.  My fear was driving there and turning around and going back.  

I decided to take my chances and wait.  I left at noon, went home and packed for an overnight stay if necessary.  All experienced mothers know that first birth can take quite some time.  So needless to say the overnight bag was needed.  I felt confidant I would be there in plenty time.  When I arrived little progress had been made.  Mom was pretty uncomfortable and dad was nervous and pacing.  Oh, and hungry!  The sweet ending to the story is that A came into this world, thanks to God, healthy and being her very dramatic self.  I tell her the story all the time of the male nurse who cared for her right after delivery.  He let us stay near and watch him do all the important little tests and they do right after delivery.  At one point he stepped from his station and said to us, "I know already, she will be an actress!".  To this day, she has made his statement true.  

here is that "drama" hours old

Nonna with A (1 day old)

The last I'll say on that is all my life I had wondered what it would be like to see my children become a parent.  It was a very emotional moment for me.  Her mom had to have a C section so us grandparents, family and friends were "waiting" for my son to come out and tell us when she was here.  Just seeing his face when he walked through those doors almost brought me to my knees.  We hugged and cried.  Both our lives changed forever.  

2 years old 2011

Her life has been different that most little girls but you'd never be able to see this in her manners or her character.  Although there are times when we wish/want more for her we know there are children who have much less in life.  She has two sets of grandparents that love her dearly.  Very different lifestyles which is an advantage for her.  Her mom's parents live in the country and she has had wonderful experiences growing up in a quite area.  They have a garden, animals to feed and does things that city kids do not experience.   She is exposed to things there that some never see the beauty in.  

3 years old 2012

When she comes here, another different experience.  One with her dad and even different with us.  We live close to everything you could imagine.  Not far at all to get to anything.  Our back yard has very little grass in it, not at all like her maw maw and paw paw's property.  She loves being at both places and takes with her different memories from each.  I know she is actually blessed in some ways that A gets to be exposed to different life styles and takes with her memories of all kinds.  She loves us all and prays for her family every night.

4 years old 2013

On to another subject!  Weigh in Tuesday.  When dieting I only weigh on the 7th day.  When I'm not  I'm constantly checking just to make sure things arent' getting out of hand. (as they did).  For some reason yesterday I got on the scale a day early because I couldn't stand it.  I just knew I'd gained.  I didn't care if it was the same, just let me not have gained I prayed.  Stand on the scale and was shocked!  Wow, 138.  That would mean and pound down from last week.  This can't be right.   I got off and got back on.  138 again.  This is great I thought.  I get to post some progress tomorrow.  

Why was I worried?  For starters I went to dinner with friends last Tuesday night.  I ate ok, well not really.  I had an appetizer (something I rarely do, spoils my meal)  My meal was a chicken breast with grilled veggies on top (sauce involved) broccoli and rice.  The other no no was the two mixed drinks I had.  I didn't even bother to look up to add to my program.  The rest of week went great until Saturday and I had a piece of birthday cake.  It was my granddaughters celebration with us so a good enough reason for me.  I love love birthday cake.  My weakness.   A friend of mine made the cake and her cakes are to die for.  Yummy!  Even had ice cream.

So you can see my surprise of why I saw that number.  No way I said.  My thoughts were right.  There was no way.  It just took another day for the calories to set in of the drinks, cake and ice cream.  Here is one day later.  Half pound up from last week.   Where I started two weeks ago.  Guess the cake and drinks showed up today :-{    I remember from last year that the first couple of weeks not a lot happens.  I did forget to measure and it was after lunch when I remembered so I'll wait and do that tomorrow morning.  Fingers crossed no changes there.

I'm so happy I'm home today with no where to go.  It's a 3 hive day and my night gown is best thing to be in.   I took the time to charge my battery last night knowing it had been almost a month.  Bad idea to wait that long.  It took an hour and 40 minutes to fully charge.  I've got to get on a regular two week schedule.

Happy birthday A....Nonna has been thinking of you all day.  Hope it has been very special and fun.  

Living with H.O.P.E.
Theresa


Choose to.....

Choose to love..........rather than hate
Choose to smile...........rather than frown
Choose to build...........rather than destroy
Choose to persevere...........rather than quit
Choose to praise...........rather than gossip
Choose to heal...........rather than wound
Choose to give..........rather than gasp
Choose to act...........rather than delay
Choose to forgive............rather than curse
Choose to pray.............rather than despair

I need a break!

From what you might ask?  From this flare up that started the day after the 4th of July.  That particular week end was terrible.  We had the threat of rain or rain everyday until the week end passed.   The barometric pressure highly determines my day.   My husband was off from Thursday until Monday and all of this time with him home I felt like doing absolutely nothing.
I scared him at one point when I let it get to me and went on one of my "feel sorry for me" binges.  Why me?  Why can't I feel normal just one day?  Please...just one.   I want to remember what it feels like.  I told him I couldn't take it any more and he completely took it wrong.  I meant I couldn't take pretending like I'm fine and I've learned to deal with it.  

I have learned to deal with it.  A long time ago.  I also learned that if you can't just let go and stop pretending sometime you'll go nuts.  If you go nuts your doctor will put you on medication.  In my case, increase my medication.  I had a mad fit, a good cry, 2 pain pills and crawled in bed and found something funny to watch.  I tried not to feel guilty about being in bed or lashing out.  By the time the program was over, I felt the "edge" reduced and not so sad and angry any longer.

Why haven't I written?  I really have no excuse.  Well, maybe the one I use last time about the program I'm watching.  Now on season 6 episode 9 and I'm going to really be sad when I'm done.  I have one season left after this one.  Ok, so back to not writing,  A dear friend text last week wondering and I quote, "Ok enough already! I keep checking your blog everyday for an update :-(  I apologized and filled her in that I was having a rough time and figured I'd just complain.  She said that was what she was thinking.  Either I was doing really good or really bad.  None the less knowing she was thinking about me helped.   Then there was the text at the end of the week asking, "Is my page not reloading or have you not posted since June 27th?"  Your page is reloading fine.  I have no real excuse.  I will get past this flare up.  Then I have the friend who checked in and said, "Go ahead and complain, we're listening:-)"

You see my readers, I have the best friends in the world.  They all still want to hear from me good or bad.  That is one of the many things that give me strength to keep fighting and not giving up and crawl in bed to quit the fight.  Trust me, I want to do it on many days.  Especially these last 4.

4th of July Good food and great friends

I remember last summer at the hottest point, humidity high with chances of rain all the time making it tough.  I told myself it was worse than winter.  In the winter I always say its worse in the summer.  I've been riding my bike and swimming.  That's about it.  It's been a couple of weeks or longer since I've had a good walk.  Your going to be hearing from me regularly again because after this week end I will start the Weight Watchers program over.  Yes readers that 17 pounds you cheered me through last year is BACK ON.  All but 6 of them.  I don't know what I'm waiting for?   I guess to hit the 17 mark back so it can be even harder.  
Any one want to join me?

Along with the added pain on top of the chronic "failed back surgery syndrome" my hives are determined to make me miserable.  I know, give it up.  They aren't going away.  I'm not giving up hope that the will some day.  I guess they like showing up to visit when my back is flared up.  This isn't the best pictures but it gives you an idea starting in block one in the am
and how it gets larger and larger as the day goes on.  I can feel them before they even expose themself.

last week

Monday

I'm getting tired and falling a sleep while trying to finish this.  I haven't slept the last few nights with some particular nasty hives, no relief from this back flare up and kkkkkkkkka cut on my pinky that is healing so slowkkkkkkkkkkkk. ( That's what you get when your drifting off and won't give up.  I started @ 11:00 and it's now 2 am.  I wake up and my finger has typed its self!)   I'll be back to finish tomorrow after my therapy session.

I'm back.  It's Tuesday afternoon and I should be able to stay awake to finish lol.  I've returned from seeing my therapist and stopping at a few stores so I need a rest.  I'm not getting up until I'm done here!

This week end we have some friends coming from out of town for the week end.  I'm trying to slowly each day get a few things done around here that I've put off because of the way I've been feeling.  The gentleman is a longtime college friend of my husbands.  They go way back and he has been coming to stay for the week end to visit long before I was in the picture.  I started in the guest room.  I have a habit of putting things in there until I "feel like"
taking care of them if I'm having a bad day.  I finally got a new bed set and found a topper for the current curtains that match new comforter.  I love when things like that work out.  

My nephew is in town visiting his dad, stepmom and siblings this week.  He lives out of state and its a rare occasion if we get to see him when he is here. (my immediate family)  He is 16 now and I'm not sure he was a teenager last time we saw him.  My sister in law asked about them all coming Sunday so he could see us and of course us see him.  I'm really excited about it.  I'm anxious about the busy week end and how I will feel by Monday.  I'll make it but know it will take some recouping after.  

The last time they came (fathers day)  we had such a great time.  It was so hot outside but we didn't let it stop us.  My husband grilled and he put up a tent topper to provide some shade.  As of yesterday we now have a patio cover AND a fan under there so it will be much cooler this visit.  

My regret is that my granddaughter can't be here.  My son met with her mom last week and Thursday he will see his daughter for the first time since Christmas day.  I'm so excited for him and A.  I hope it all goes well for all three of them.  He has taken so many steps forward and this one will surely encourage more of them.  It will take some time before her mom is ready for A to spend alone time with her daddy so it is not an option to have both here on Sunday to see my nephew and family.   I'd really like my son to be here.  Being with family is so good for him and my brother and his wife were there for him during some of his "bad" days.  They really enjoyed seeing him doing so great last time they were here.  As well as my mom.  Unfortunately if one comes the other can't.  Not the end of the world, I know.  Every thing takes time.  

It just always seems when A is here nothing is going on.  My daughter always does her best to get here with P so she can see some of her family here.  It's just fell like that recently that when family is here she isn't .  A hasn't seen my mom or my brothers family in a very long time.  I'd love for her to be able to participate in the fun we will have.  She loves the pool now and is very comfortable.   Next month is her birthday.  She's so excited about that.  I can't believe her and P both will soon be 4 years old.  I also can't believe I'll have another grandchild soon and P will be a "big brother".

very involved with "Daniel" 

girl loves to pose :-)

I know I already promised to write more.  I definitely will.  I have so much to share but don't want to bore all in one post.  Honestly I can't sit and type that long anyway.  I'm starting my diet back on Monday too.  You guys are my inspiration and knowing I have to post my weight up there every Monday holds me accountable.  Some may be short but I'll be back.

I hope all my pain friends who stay in touch with me are feeling some relief right now.   Your emails, posts and comments always encourage me to stay strong.  

Filled with H.O.P.E. (hold on pain ends)
Theresa