Another down 2 to go

A little more progress!  I'm now at the point WW's says I've met my goal.  My real goal is 130 but according to them 132 is my "safe weight" goal.  I'm ok with where I'm at, but I'd like to get there so I can splurge a little over the holidays.

Friday I saw my pain management doctor.  We had a good talk about how things are going.  I asked him if and when my elbow is better if I can try some needling on my back.  He said it would be ok as long as she stays away from the leads going from spine to battery.  He said they should talk first.  When I go for my OT appointment this week I will discuss with the PT who does it and see if she will call him.  

My back pain seems to be increasing lately.  I think it's the weather.  If there is some chance this will help I'm willing to try anything.  Even if it's temporary.  It would be nice to have a little relief over Christmas.  

Now I can't seem to put anything in my buggy without looking for trans fat or Tertiary Butylhydroquinone.  Commonly called TBHQ.  TBHQ is a preservative which is made from butane.  It's used to delay the onset of rancidness and greatly effects the storage life of food.  You can find a lot of information just by googling "TBHQ"  You will find people who disagree but I think there is enough evidence to stay away as much as possible.  I don't think I can completely avoid it but I surely plan to try.  Here are a couple things I found in my pantry.

red bean seasonings 

crackers

I mentioned last week that D got my tree down and put together for me.  It's all arranged and has been plugged in every night.  Other than that it's just there.  My daughter and grandson came to visit Saturday.  We were going to decorate but never got around to it. We spent some time outside then had lunch.  B even did some sewing for me while here.  There is never a dull moment with P around.  A good laugh and a lot of questions!

I'm so proud of my daughter.  She is quite the homemaker.  She has already made the new baby a blanket, outfits and some crochet for her hair.  That girl can accomplish anything she puts her mind to.  I can't seem to get past the dishcloth with my crocheting.  

finding ways to entertain himself!

fixing my favorite shorts

My granddaughter was supposed to come too but she became sick during the week so it was best for her to stay near her doctor.  I got to ichat with her last night.  We read some books and she sang some songs for me.  Thank goodness for technology.  Her grandmother there where she lives sent some pictures to share with me. Her preschool went to a pumpkin patch.  Appears they had a grand time.

shared by "Maw Maw" :-)

 I have actually bought a few Christmas presents. I saved the toy ad and both of my grandkids have circled toys they would like for Santa to bring them. This is a big help for Nonna.  I'll bring it with me and hopefully that shopping trip will be successful too!

I can't believe Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away.  I'm already getting anxiety about being prepared.  It will all be fine and I have to remember that.

It's getting late.  I'm closing to try and get some rest tonight.  I've been having trouble sleeping through the night with my back and arm hurting together.  It's been slow but I can finally say I'm showing signs of improvement.  I've increased my number of reps the OT has me doing at home. The majority of the pain is at night again.  

Ha, I just completely forgot to hit publish. I signed on today to read some of the blogs I follow and see my post in drafts.  Felt like I needed to explain why the days may not make sense!
Have an awesome week.  Watching DWTS can't wait to see who wins next week.

Not giving up H.O.P.E.
Theresa

BACK SAVERS

Bend at your hips not at your waist.

Avoid lying on your stomach.

Lift heavy objects no higher than your waist.

Sit down to put on socks, shoes, pants--don't bend over

Get down on one knee before picking up

a small child or infant from the floor.

When reading, don't bend your neck or shoulders --bring

your book up to your eyes by placing two pillows on your lap 

and propping the book on top of them.

Pajama Day

half a pound!

Today has definitely been a pajama day.  D and I both have been battling the sinus yuck this week.  Today that is a minor issue though.  This morning everything hurt as usual.  The difference was that nothing helped.  Pain medication, 4 liquid advils,  heating pad, ice pack, or my stimulator.   For some reason I'm having a lot of muscle pain in my legs today.  My arm is driving me nuts too.  At OT yesterday we both agreed I was improving so whats up today?  It's been a long time since I've given in to this wicked pain that seems to run my life at times.  Today has surely been one of them.  

I did some cooking last Sunday so I was happy to have something left to eat and not have to cook.  WW's Chili for lunch and broccoli soup and sweet potato for supper.  Killed both chili and soup just in time.  I'm still in my pajamas at 3 pm.  

So while I'm having to take this day of rest I'm watching some Christmas movies on LifeTime.   I'm hoping it will help spread some cheer in me to get excited about this upcoming holiday season.  I'm also charging my battery.  Something I never want to sit still long enough to get done.   We talked about decorating...wait start decorating this week end.  I don't decorate in one week end.  Last year I worked on my tree for two weeks.  Hey, it got done though.  I do what I can. 

What is really bugging me right now is knowing that someone is unhappy with me and my husband.  We both feel the same about having an enemy.  We never want to have one.   I've always let it bug me to death if someone was upset with me.  Others would say, "so what it's their problem".  I don't have to be best friends with them, but I don't ever want to be in a position that I have to avoid someone if I see them.  Right now, I'm in that situation and I'll work hard until I change it.

During the early part of the summer my neighbor called me to the fence to talk to me.  I didn't think anything of it because we talk at the fence often.  I've shared plants with her.  Shared baked goodies with her at Christmas last year.  When I first met her I thought we'd get along great always because of a common bond.  Pain.  She's had hip and knee replacement.  Back issues that cause her pain.  Another words she's hurting all the time like me.  She'd fuss at me when she'd see me doing something outside she thought I shouldn't be doing.  It felt nice to know someone knew, or at least I thought, how I felt.  

Back to the conversation at the fence.  She told me she was really unhappy about the extra fencing my husband had put up for privacy.  She said it looked really tacky on her side.  ( I noted her and my husband deciding this earlier in the year in a post along with a picture )
We added the additional height to fence because she was complaining to the neighbor on the other side of her and he shared with us.  My husband just confronted her while he was outside working in the yard and she agreed it might be just the thing for her not to feel like we were invading her privacy.  On this day though it was obvious that there was more to it than that.  She had a tone in her voice I'd never heard before.  She told me she wished we were more like the people who lived here before us.  They didn't have so many things in their yard and they didn't invade her privacy.  I told her we never intentionally look at her in her yard.  I can see through the fence from my patio at anytime and see her when she is on her patio so I wasn't sure of the big deal.  It turned into something ugly because I was so shocked at where it all was coming from.  I ended up telling her I didn't like the way she was talking to me and I was going inside.   Needless to say she was not happy with me that I stood up for myself and told her a few things she probably didn't want to hear either.

I was in tears when I went inside.  I couldn't let it go.  My anxiety went right to the roof.  I called D and couldn't reach him so I called our HOA president.  She had already heard from my neighbor.  What?  I couldn't believe it.  She told me she was about to drive down to her house and see for herself what all the hoop law was about.  I asked if she'd give me a call after to tell me what was the REAL problem.  An hour later our HOA president rang my bell.  She came in and asked to go look in our back yard at our deck, fence, patio and shed.  "Are you serious?", I asked her.  She said in a nut shell that she's never liked the fact that we even have a deck around our pool so when we finished and started using it it just made her unhappier that we could see over the fence at times.  Then we had the nerve to have a patio put up.  I guess she didn't like the way it looked.  We had it run past our patio on the side that is on her side to cover my husbands pit so when he is grilling and it may rain there is no problem.  She swore it was going to drain in her yard.  (even though we had gutters around the end )  The president said she had taken pictures while the people were installing the patio.  She showed them to her that's how she knew.

There is so much more to the story, but I'll tell you  bottom line is we believe she is just an unhappy person who doesn't want us to be happy either.  I'd never thought that someone like herself  (disabled) couldn't  understand that I have to have the deck to get in and out of my pool.  To be completely honest many times last summer when I was in there I thought of my neighbor and how she would benefit getting into the pool.  I never took the time to ask her because I really thought she'd refuse anyway.  Guess now I'll never now.  I want to tell her but she would never believe me.  The HOA president told me she was clear on one thing, she'd was going to do what ever it took to get us to take down our deck.  We were definitely willing to take down the fencing because we never liked it anyway.   She informed us that she would settle with just that.  "What can we do?", I asked her.  She wants your deck to come down too.  

I was so shocked.  For sometime I let it eat me up.  I was angry one day and so hurt the next.  What did we ever do to have her feel this way.  The houses that are behind ours, two to three down, have a party at least once a month.  It starts early in the afternoon and goes late into night.  Loud music, cheering, lights and obvious parting.  Now if we can hear this from our patio I know she can hear it from hers.  That my friends is something to complain about.   We have never had anything even close to that.  We hosted several small gatherings before and after this incident but saw nothing in these occasions that would cause her to be angry.  We thought about contacting an attorney but decided to let sleeping dogs lay.

Nothing has been said the rest of the summer.  I can't say it hasn't been on our minds.  What is she up to?  Did she decided to just let it go?  Well, we got our answer.  Wednesday night we had a HOA meeting at the library near out home.  I was a little surprised to see her right there on the front row when I walked in.  Oh my, I hope she isn't going to bring things up.  Surely, she isn't.  As we went through the agenda I held my breath through every topic.  As the end neared she raised her hand and asked to talk about the grandfathering rule.  At the previous meeting before this particular night that topic was discussed and voted on.  A decision was made that anything that was erected during the time of no architectural committee (2009-2013) would be grandfathered in and we formed a new architectural committee to handle these types of issues in the future.  (there are several other throughout the neighborhood) shocking, I know.   My neighbor was clear to the board and our management company that she was not settling for that.  She wanted something done.  

First of all, I should have never let her get me so upset.  My blood pressure hit the roof along with my big mouth.  I was hurting from 1) in general because it was the end of day 2) sitting in a chair for an hour and a half.  I did get up a walk on the back row multiple times to stretch.   3) just the stress of wonder why, why, why.  When she starting telling this complete stranger that we look at her over the fence, I just lost it.  I told her, " Get over yourself, we do not want to look at you".  My husband was so embarrassed.  I was too later on.  At the time I was pretty proud of my rude self stooping to her level.  I'd just had enough.  Past my chin, it was up to my mouth and I was chocking on it.  Just what did she think she could do?  I can tell you what ever she can, she will.  And why?  That's something we may never know I guess.  It's a complete nightmare I can't stop worrying about.

The next evening our HOA president stopped me as I was walking my dog and wanted to talk about what happened.  I told her I really didn't want to gossip and was so sorry I had such an awful outburst at my neighbor.  I said I would be willing to apologize if she would listen to me.  The president said to hold off because Saturday am the management company was meeting to discuss ours and some other neighborhood disputes.  I forgot to mention as we left the meeting that night the management company asked us to send them pictures of the back yard and our pool with deck.  

I had a discussion with an attorney on Friday regarding the matter and she made me feel a little better.  She recommended since we will be living next to this woman for some time the best deal is to try and work anything out with her.  She said to ask her to sit and talk with my husband and I and someone from the management company as a third party for a witness.  The attorney said our best hope is to try and connect with her on a level she can relate to, our common chronic pain.  Explaining to her how helpful and beneficial it is to me.  Also, how I was interested in helping her out by letting her use the pool.  If that did not help at all then let her go forward and we just sit back and see where she can go.  Not far she is pretty confidant of.  If she does, we will just need to call this attorney back and she will already be aware of what is going on.  

My point in all of this goes back to what I said in the beginning.  I'm loosing sleep over the fact that someone is unhappy with me.  I really want to make it right.  I don't really care who is wrong and who is right.  I have to live next to this woman for some time.  If I were to fall and knock myself out coming up the drive ( silly, I know but it could happen) I would feel better knowing she had enough compassion to call help for me.  I would definitely do the same for her even if we hadn't cleared up the.

So enough about that drama.  I took a break from this computer earlier and got wrapped up in a movie then let myself just roll right into the next one.  Tomorrow no matter how I feel I have to get moving again no matter how hard.  It's late, I'm closing.  I'll fill you in if I get word of any new news.  I can tell you I almost feel like a prisoner in my own home like she is watching my every move.  I have to move past this.  I'm going to keep thinking WWJD?
I know my answer will come.  Good night everyone and I hope your pain is tolerable. 

Living with H.O.P.E.
Theresa

Fibromyalgia - a controversial silent disease

I will apologize right away for the length of this blog.  I've been coming back to the draft for days trying to cut out things but everything is important to "me".

Since my post in September where I open myself to ridicule of telling how saddened I am to have it confirmed I have Fibromyalgia(FM) I've done a lot of research. More intense research than when he first starting talking to me about it years ago.  Then, I was reading all medical sites like WebMD, The MayoClinic, Wikipedia and Ask.com.  There were more but these are the ones you would recognize.  Since September I've been on a different search.  Reading from patients mouths, hearts and minds.

Never in all my years of dealing with my numerous aches and pains; back, muscles and joints have I felt so vindicated by strangers. Every blog or article I read was exactly how I've felt and feel. FM patients are good at hiding their pain for fear of ridicule. As I mentioned over a year ago even a doctor I worked for thought FM patients are just crazy and that's the title the doctor gives them because they can't find anything else to diagnose.  That is so far from the truth.  Our pain is real.

You don't walk into your rheumatologists office and have them diagnose you with FM in one visit or even one year. I write this post to share with you a few bits and pieces that were important to me.  Important because it validates everything I have tried to understand over the past years.  Why do I hurt everywhere?  Why am I so tired all the time?  Why can't I sleep? Why is it so much worse when I first get up in the morning?  All this time I've been looking to my doctors for answers when others who feel just like me had all the answers.

I remember searching to see if someone with a Spinal cord Stimulator had a blog. I found a few.  Reading them inspired me to write, even if no one read.  It made me fill like I would get things off my chest.  Now I am searching through so many more Fibromyalgia blogs than I ever thought I'd see.  I believe I read 1 in 20 people have FM.  Every definition down to the detail is how I am feeling and felt for a long time.  To some, it would have made them more depressed. For me it has been encouraging.  This blog world is my support.  Not to say my family and friends are not, but your still tend to doubt even if the people you love understand.  

I can be fine one day and another I can do something that is simple for most people.  After I am done I really to tired to do anything else.  My husband struggles with this.  When I say I am so tired he wants to know why?    

One thing I read in common was how no matter how much pain or how bad of a day a blogger was having they made their self exercise if they could possibly do it. I've read walking and swimming are two of the best exercises for FM.  A plus since they are great for my back also.  The problem is I'm doing very little walking these days but not because I don't want to.  For some reason when I'm hurting I can tolerate my recumbent bike much better.  If I stop moving I will become so stiff the end result will be bad.  

Exercise is very important for anyone, but especially if your dealing with chronic pain.  Chronic pain = depression + FM = depression + exercise = accomplishment. On the other side of that coin I'm learning to say no, to go lay down if I need to and not let the undone things bother me so much. 

At my OT appointment on Tuesday the PT did some dry needling for me on my triceps and the muscle where it meets the tendon near elbow.  It wasn't that bad compared to procedures I've been through previously.  It was by no means comfortable though.  It's to soon to tell how much it has helped.  The swelling is down to an inch now so that is definite improvement.  I go back Friday and she will re evaluate everything and write my notes for my rheumatologist on our progress.  I can't help but wonder if the FM has exacerbated the whole experience.  

Below are some pieces I mentioned in the beginning.  If you have FM you know all about it.  If you don't, you may know someone who does and it will help you have a better understanding what their day to day life is like.  I think we all want empathy not sympathy. 

From Scope- an award winning medical blog


I can’t imagine anyone relishing the idea of being tired, in pain, or suffering from “brain fog” for one day, let alone for months or years. If you have fibromyalgia, this is what you experience on a regular basis. Yet there are people who believe that fibromyalgia doesn’t exist – that it’s a made-up disease with the purpose of appeasing patients, giving their complaints a name.

Incidences of muscle pains characteristic of modern-day fibromyalgia have been documented for centuries, but only in the 1970s did the disease begin receiving serious attention as physicians began to better identify trigger points, inflammation, and fibromyalgia-associated issues such as sleep disorders and irritable bowel. And only in 1987 did the American Medical Association recognize fibromyalgia as “an emerging condition.” But saying it’s a disease and convincing non-believers are two different things.

I’ve been asked what it’s like to have fibromyalgia and, just as it’s difficult to diagnose, it’s difficult to explain. Although I was only diagnosed a few years ago, I can trace the symptoms to my teens. I often experienced unexplained bouts of exhaustion and pain. I never slept well. I had other fibromyalgia-related physical issues, but no one could figure out what was wrong. After a while, I began to believe that it was all in my head. I knew I felt the pain, but there was no explanation. I knew I was exhausted, but everyone is tired – why would I be any different? The other symptoms? I was overplaying them, complaining too much, imagining them, looking for attention, wasn’t I?

My family and close friends were (and still are) wonderful. They never made me believe that I shouldn’t be feeling what I was experiencing. They tolerated my quirks, such as the hypersensitivity that results in a very strong startle reflex and not being able to stand the feel of certain things against my skin. (It wouldn’t surprise me if the princess in fairy tale The Princess and the Pea had fibromyalgia!) My husband, my children, my friends, all helped me when the pain was bad and the exhaustion overwhelming. But feeling so different and not knowing why take a toll on a person.

I did what many with fibromyalgia do. I withdrew into myself. By withdrawing, you minimize your chances of being criticized or attacked by those who don’t understand your “nonexistent” illness. But at the same time, because you are internalizing everything, your symptoms become worse. Your mind plays more games. And the cycle continues.


I cried when my rheumatologist told me I had fibromyalgia. I told him I wasn’t crying because I had it, I was crying because I finally had validation – that this was real. My pain was real. My illness was real. He told me that many patients react the same way. How sad.

A year ago, I began a project called 101 Questions About Fibromyalgia. I asked friends and colleagues for questions, either from the point of view of having fibromyalgia or loving someone who does. I received some great questions but I also received a long e-mail from an editor whom I had never met. Her angry e-mail outlined exactly why fibromyalgia doesn’t exist, point for point, but she also told me that if having a name for my illness made me feel better about myself, then it was OK with her.

This is why many people with fibromyalgia don’t speak out. There is no such anger against people who say they have diabetes or cancer or Crohn’s disease – but it’s acceptable to brush off, deny, or criticize a claim that you have fibromyalgia.

Living with any invisible illness can be difficult. Living with one that still is not accepted by many is so much harder.

Marijke Vroomen Durning, RN, is a health writer based in Montreal, Canada. She is a contributor at Forbes.com, HealthDay News, and other outlets. Find her on Twitter @MarijkeD.


Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long-term, body-wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, and anxiety. (National Library of Medicine)

COPING:

Fibromyalgia is a persistent condition for which there is no cure. It is common for symptoms of fibromyalgia to wax and wane; they may be more severe at certain times of the day, month, or year and they may remit for an extended period of time only to reappear later either for no apparent reason or following a traumatic event such as an automobile accident. But there are ways of coping with fibromyalgia symptoms and preventing exacerbation of pain. Here are some tips:

• Prioritize sleep – it is important for people with fibromyalgia to maintain a regular sleep schedule and to get treatment for sleep disorders if necessary.
• Create a quiet environment –chronic pain has been known to intensify in the presence of sound stress.
• Exercise – regular exercise is known to improve symptoms in some patients. For people with fibromyalgia, low-impact activities such as walking, yoga or swimming are the best choice.
• Medication – work with a physician to develop an effective medication regime.
• Massage – gentle massage, deep breathing, and relaxation techniques are all generally considered beneficial with respect to chronic pain management.

SYMPTOMS:

Fibromyalgia usually includes a broad range of symptoms including some combination of the following:

• widespread pain
• sleep disturbances
• chronic daytime fatigue
• morning stiffness in the joints and muscles
• migraine headaches
• irritable bowel syndrome
• painful menstrual periods
• numbness or tingling of the extremities
• restless legs syndrome
• temperature sensitivity
• dizziness and balance problems
• cognitive and memory problems
• mood disturbance such as depression and anxiety

Out of these 13 symptoms I have experienced 10 of them.  2 were in the past and much better but I still wonder? (irritable bowel syndrome and painful menstrual periods) The others are just like the COPING definition.  As bad as I hated having Dr. C tell me this news it feels good to understand what is happening to my body.  A lot of these symptoms I have never shared fearing people will just think I'm crazy.   Temperature sensitivity...oh I definitely deal with that.  Off the scale.  Ask my husband or my daughter.  The last one has been chronic for some time now,(especially the anxiety), but I've convinced myself it was due to my back pain.  My doctors agree, except for Dr. C.  My pain management doctor is the one who had me try two different medications that are commonly used for patients with FM. (Cymbalta and Savalla) Unfortunately neither worked. He never used the title he was just responding to my complaints of hurting everywhere.  

When Marijke spoke of not being able to stand certain things against her skin I almost jumped out of mine.  I never discuss that with anyone.  My husband has heard it a lot but even he gives me the strangest looks.  There are times that I can't be in the same bed with him because he has PLM and if his leg is moving I'm so sensitive to it I have to move!

The last I'd like to say, you know I mean for today, is that my mom has Fibromyalgia and Restless Leg Syndrome. The National Sleep foundation has written that there may be an association between FM and RLS. It's most common (RLS) in patients with FM and those with Rheumatoid Arthritis and she has both.  So what am I crying about?  The NSF also states that FM seems to run in the family though not knowing if genetic or environmental.  I have and continue to pray for both of my children that they don't start experiencing symptoms.  One of the hardest things of dealing with it is getting answers.  

To my friends and family, thank you for putting up with me.  I know you often wonder why I back out or just don't feel like it so many times. Your no need to know attitude has carried me far.
I have the greatest husband any one could ask for.  Even he struggles to live with the depression and anxiety with me.  You see I'm really good at acting.  When I do go out, I fall apart when I come home and he catches me every time.  

Lots of genuine hugs and H.O.P.E. to everyone dealing with this invisible illness.  Theresa


HOPE looks for the good in people instead of harping on the worst in them.

HOPE opens doors where despair closes them.

HOPE discovers what can be done instead of grumbling about what cannot be done.

HOPE "lights a candle" instead of "cursing the darkness"

HOPE regards problems, small or large, as opportunities.

HOPE cherishes no illusions, nor does it yield to cynicism.

Author unknown

10,000 page views....wow

This is been a very busy and overwhelming week.  From the time we got home Monday evening from the beach until I returned home from meeting A's other grandparents this afternoon.  The weather here this week was bad.  Even when it wasn't raining the threat of rain is painful for me.  So much pressure across my back. 

I'm three days away, very anxious,  but I really have mixed feelings about it all.  I wish that since I was being cut on again the result would eliminate this chronic annoying and sometime "take control of my life" pain.  Ok, so it's not going to eliminate it,  I know that but please please let it serve the purpose it is supposed to. If your new to the blog, I'm having trouble with my battery placement so they are going in to replace with a smaller one.  The only down side is it requires charging more often vs the larger one.  That is least of my concerns.  It has been causing added pain since January so charging more often is a breeze if this gets rid of it.   I'm so tired of procedure after procedure with no good results.  Done...pity party over!

Back to A. Her paw paw meet me on Friday after lunch and we stayed busy all week end.  She really wanted to swim and I thought earlier in the week that would be possible but with the cold front that came through at the end of week the water temp went back down 
:-{

A and Dallas outside enjoying the sunshine.

D and I brought her to the zoo Saturday morning.  We did a lot of walking around.  Poppa pulled the wagon when A wanted to ride.  When she felt like walking, she wanted to pull the wagon.  After an hour, Nonna seriously considered riding in the wagon.  If I could have been certain it wouldn't break on me, I'd probably have given it a try.  

oops, there upside down!

loved petting the animals

look at that static hair :-)

When we returned home A went down for a nap and Nonna got on the heating pad and rested the entire time she slept.  She was ready for another outing when she was up.  I'd promised we'd go to the Dollar Tree before she went home and that's when she wanted to go.  So off we went to the DT.  Who would think you could spend an hour in DT?  We did.
After we went across the street to Chick fil A.  She couldn't miss it.  You'd have sworn there was a NEON sign flashing across the street.  For once there was no one on the play center and she had it all to her self.  Shorty after a group of "rowdy" kids came and did me a favor. 
A was ready to go as soon as they kicked their shoes off.  We ate then made it home around 7.  

worn out from the zoo trip

ready to go again after refueling!

Around the time we were resting during the day my beautiful daughter was in one of her friends wedding.  My grandson was the ring bearer.  A handsome one at that.  I thought about them all day.  Wishing I was there.  Wondering how it was going?  I couldn't go for reasons it would be best not to talk about here on my blog.  ( it had nothing to do with A )

How handsome is he?  VERY

After hair and make up

I wanted to see everyone, my daughter, P, the bride of course but I was also looking forward to seeing a long time friend who I haven't seen since I don't know when.  I seriously can't remember.  We used to spend so many hours in a week together.  More time than we spent with our husbands.  We took a lot of vacations together.  Concert groupies together.  And sometime we just got in the car and just drove.  No plan of where we were going.  Just getting away.    We shared a love of some of the same musical artists also.  So we sang away to them on our trips to nowhere.   She was also my walking buddy.  A very faithful one. 

She asked my daughter about me.  I will make a point to get in touch with her while I'm home recovering with time on my hands.   We'll have to schedule more than one call with all we need to catch up on.  

This morning we took a ride to visit Aunt B and cousin P.  One of the first things she asked about when I picked her up.  By the time dragging Nonna was ready, we only had two hours to visit when we got there.  A was her normal shy self at first but by time to leave she didn't want to go.  We weren't on the interstate no time and she was fast asleep.  I had picked her up some lunch and she was still holding on to it when she crashed.  

My sweet babies <3

They are so precious, even from behind.

Not long after we started home, she was out!

If you remember back in December I mentioned loosing my great aunt.  She was my moms, dad's sister.  One of a twin.  And they were the babies of 13.  This week my mom was in touch all week regarding her husband.  He started feeling bad and having trouble breathing.  He and my aunt in their 90's.  He until recently went to the gym every morning and worked out.  Always outside in the heat of the summer working the yard and loved to fix things like my dad.  Matter of fact since I've lost my dad he has been to fix several things for my mom around her house.  Him and my dad were really close.  He had a hard time dealing with the fact that my dad went before him.  

At first the doctors thought pneumonia was cause due to all the fluid in his lungs.  After many tests it was discovered he has cancer.  In his lungs and has spread to his liver.  Now I know he is in his 90's, but it's not an easy thing to hear at any age.  Not the way you want to go and he has taken such good care of himself and his wife through a very touch illness over the last 6-8 years.  Now you know if you've followed my blog that my mom is right there.  Just like she was for my Aunt, and her brother several years before.   He was sick with cancer.  She brought him home from the nursing home to care for him there.  My aunt never forgot what my mom did for him.  She was starting to get ill herself so she couldn't care for him.  Obviously the same age being they were twins.  Now my uncle has a chance to breath again.  Not be in constant worry of carrying for his wife and dealing with the abuse that came along with her illness.  It's only been 5 months and he's hit with this news.  I think it's so sad.  With all that said, why aren't I more grateful that I just deal with pain every day and not be grateful that it isn't something that will kill me.  It has definitely weakened me, but I'm not going anywhere.  

I plan to get a menu together tomorrow and make it to the store on Tuesday so I'm prepared to be home for awhile.  I need some good healthy meals.  I've been pretty lazy lately.  I really loose my will power when I have a lot of pain going on because it's so easy to eat something bad rather than take the time to fix something healthy.  I lost 17 pounds on weight watchers last summer after the doctor released me to do what exercises I could.  I started in July and hit my goal at the end of October.  November December and January even though off WW's I still managed to keep within 1-2 pounds of goal weight.  When my battery issues started and things go more difficult I quit trying so hard.  With that said I've slowly put 6 of the 17 pounds back on.  It won't be hard to move on up to 10 if I don't do something especially with no exercise for several weeks.  My new clothes are fitting a little tight so I'm feeling it there too.  I'm not about to pass by my pre weight clothes and get to the bigger size I had to buy because it got so bad.  I have to at least get 3 of the 6 off then I'll be comfortable again but ultimately would like to get back down to the total 17.  That gives me a little play room.  Something I definitely don't have now.

I've had a lot of friends offer to come visit after surgery.  Last year I was just got so down in the dumps after and had trouble getting my stimulator to work so I didn't want to see or talk to anyone for sometime.  I'm looking for the visitors this time so give me a ring if your free to come by and visit.  I'll gladly take you up on it.   I'm really looking forward to being released to get in the pool and then I'll stay busy for sure.  I know I've probably said that a million times.  I'm terrible about repeating my self.  

A few people have asked about my hives.  Although they continue to hang around they are so few compared to the previous 3 years when there were plenty every day to deal with.  Since they've returned I get 2-3 once or twice a week that hang around a couple of days.  I can live with that better that what I was dealing with.  Ultimately I'd love from them to go away and STAY away.  

Thank you again to all my readers, new friends I've made and old ones sticking by me.  Sometime in the last couple of days I've reached ten thousand page views.  That just blows my mind.  

I started this blog two weeks before surgery last year.  Here we are a year later and surgery again.  Lets just hope everything goes right this time.  I'm sue Mr. R is tired of hearing from me.   Happy Cinco De Mayo if you celebrate it.  This is the first time in our time together that we didn't go out for mexican dinner on this festive day.  Good night all!

Staying strong....Theresa
   The things you take for granted someone else is praying for.

The worst week

This past week has been particularly hard.  A lot has been going on in my life, my family and my health.  A week ago Saturday my daughter heard from my son.  She's the one who said, "he'll eventually need us, and he'll call".  What she didn't know is she would be the one he'd call.  I think the experience she dealt with that day left her with an idea of how hard it can be to really want to help your family out, but you just can't.  

I could never tell you enough to help you understand how we all ( family ) got here to this point that we have limits and boundaries of what we can do to help him.  His car was broke down in town and he knew it was bad.  I know he had no where else to turn if he was calling on her.  I was sitting with my husband enjoying a cup of coffee on this quite but erie day.  I woke up with a strange feeling that I would hear from him this day.  I'd stop texting....even the prayers.  Anger and risen again and the little devil on my shoulder told me to stop wasting my time.  I didn't even know if he was reading them.  Obviously he had nothing to say to me.  My therapist said there was nothing wrong with me just leaving him alone and let him work it out.  Maybe that's why you don't hear from him she told me.  Maybe he just wants to be left alone.  

He asked my daughter to come and get him please.  She called me on the way and filled me in.   She was struggling with the idea of having to tell him she could not bring him home with her.  She had some options for him but staying with her, her husband and son was not one of them.  She was upset to deliver this news to her homeless brother.  I told her how much I understand and it made me so sad and relieved at once.  Sad for her because I'd been in this spot many times before and relieved he didn't call me.   Once she made it to him and went over his options they took care of a couple of things and she brought him to Hammond where my mom meet her and he went home with her.  He stayed that night with my brother and his family then two nights at my moms.  I had his car towed to our mechanic who informed me on Monday it was bad news.  Timing chain or possibly even the engine.  Neither of which did he do at his shop.  To many hours and not enough man power.  So it had to be towed again to a place he recommended.  As of today no word on it.  They told me it could take up to two weeks before they even started on it.  He is now at his dad's place in Bogalusa, LA.  He'll be there until his car is fixed and then he says he's coming back here.  We've all tried convincing him to stay there where he has help, get a job and get back on your feet then come back to Baton Rouge when you can afford a place to stay.  When you can support yourself and your daughter.

The same day we heard from him I had started feeling pretty bad with some allergy/sinus stuff.  By Tuesday I'd given in to seeing the doctor.  The rest of the week I still felt fatigued mentally and physically.  It wasn't until over this past weekend did I start to feel a little better.
I was thinking I was going to have to go back.  

My granddaughter came on Saturday.  We stopped off at the library and checked out some books.  It was a very cold day and we were happy to stay inside.  Nice and warm, both of us fighting a cough and allergies.  On Saturday evening my daughter came with P to visit his cousin and her and I just get to chill and catch up.  We had a nice visit.  It was the best part of my entire week.  The only good part!

With everything going on with my son, the cold and some other family problems my back seemed to feel the stress of it all too!  Not to mention the several long car rides I took during during the week.  The first day I used the patch I mentioned in last post really seemed to help my back for up to 2-3 hours.  Supposed to be  up to 12.  But hey I'm excited about what i get. No luck for helping my battery, I think there is only one solution for that and I'll delay as long as I can.  The good news about them is I found out my insurance covers it.  Thank goodness.  Shelf price $300 for a box of 30.  Outrageous huh?  My copay will be $50 but with all the others it starts to add up.  

I haven't called and asked for a prescription just yet.  I went and bragged about being hive free for 3 months.  Had them for 3 years, off 3 months and WHAM here they are again!  I'm wondering if it could possible be the patches.  I doubt it, but I'm having trouble excepting they are back to stay.  I've laid off the patches a few days to see if they go away.  Ugh, it was so nice for them to be gone, they are so annoying.  

So here's to a new and better week.  Seriously it can't be worse than last week even though it didn't start so hot this Monday.  A phone call from my brother regarding my mother has the anxiety level right back up there.  I'm going to get through this week and take what comes over the week end as we are supposed to get together to work with my mom to resolve some issues.  I wish I could just run away and hide and relax this week end.  I'm sure we all do at times in our life.  Nice thought, but when the going gets tough, the tough try harder. What I striving for.  

Happy Birthday Karen.  I hope your day was especially nice.  

Thank you to all my friends checking in on me and being so understanding for so long.  I'm not my old self, but trying very hard to get back there.  The end of April my husband and I are getting out of Dodge and heading to the beach for a long week end.  I can't wait.  I need it NOW!

never a dull moment!

primping :-)

refusing to smile...little stink <3

Theresa


  A gift to a child is the gift of a parent's listening ear- and heart.

Super Bowl Sunday

The Super Bowl doesn't mean anything to me but I figure their are plenty of my readers that it means a lot to so why not mention it somewhere.  I figured the title was the best honor.  I started writing @ half time lets see if I can finish before it's over.  

I jinxed myself by mentioning my hives in my last post.  Two days after that I had one on the back of my leg and yesterday one on the inside of my thigh.  No clusters thank goodness just the one in each location.  Maybe I was wrong about the anxiety.  Along with those little villains my chest pain and trouble breathing has been hanging around for the last week.

Aren't friends just the greatest thing to have in your life?  Even though I've been keeping to my self it seems every day I get a voice mail, text or email from one of the many I have.  So one of these dear friends, who is aware I'm hiding away as much as I can, left me a voice mail on Friday when I was away from my phone. She wanted D and I to go to dinner with her and her husband.  She mentioned she was contacting another friend and her husband to join us.  The three of us used to work together years ago.  We also have children the same age.  My husband had already planned to get me out of the house and make a trip to Whole Foods.  We used to live near one and went regular.  I told her I'd check with D and text her back.

Of course my husband was all for going.  He loves to go out to dinner.  Even before my back problems it wasn't on the top of my list of outings.  I would love to have gotten out of it but I knew I owed it to my husband and my friends.  My therapist has been urging me to get out more not just for myself but for my husband also.  If it's not my back it's this dark cloud weighing down over my head of worry for my son.  I try really hard to keep my little "break downs" private.  The bathroom, in the car leaving, or after he is sleeping.  I know it's important to find some joy in my life.  I'm doing better but when it's quite and I have time to think about it my emotions take control.  I picture ever kind of situation he may be in.

I knew her intent was to get me talking and laughing so this heavy dark cloud hanging over my head would be lighter for a short time. It worked.  We definitely did some laughing.  Enjoyed some good food,  talked about the "good ol days" and of course our grandchildren.  My friend and her husband who initiated the outing came to our house after and we continued to talk.  We purposely avoided discussing my son.  She had mentioned on the phone to me before we left that she really wanted me to just enjoy myself and not feel bad about it.  This night was to be joyful, not sad.

By no means do I want to make it sound like she wasn't interested in lending an ear.  She's done that for hours over the past few months.  Even before he just vanished and especially after.  Offering to go out looking with me, for her and her husband to go if I couldn't handle it,  she's text him herself and so has her daughter.  

Here we are together at a wedding

Sometime I'll just see a flash before me like God is reminding me my child is in trouble....do something.  I just don't know what to do.  When I think about it to much I feel like a terrible parent just waiting around to see how everything turns out.  It doesn't feel right to be doing nothing to find or help him. How long do I wait?

All I know to do is continue to pray it has a good ending because if it doesn't I'm not sure this pain in my heart will go away.  I talked to the detective for the second time on Friday night.  She had nothing new to tell me.  I'm sure it wasn't that way but I felt like I was just another caller and she really didn't care at all.  She assured me I'd be the first to contact if  anything develops.  I was so angry in the beginning for making us all worry.  Causing his daughter to wonder why her daddy is not calling or visiting.  When one week turned into two I became concerned that he hadn't answered any of us.  Then the prayers and "real" concerned hit hard.  He has been furious with me as well as me with him and he's never went more than 3-4 days without texting or calling me.  It's not just me though.  It's our entire family and his sweet innocent daughter that he's not answering to.

We all believed at some point he would need something and we'd get a call.  He's pretty famous for that. Not for this long though.  It's been 4 weeks and 3 days now.  As far as we know he doesn't have a job so I'm not sure how he is surviving.  The feeling won't go away that the texts and calls that my mom sees on the phone bill are possibly not being made by him.  They are few and anytime we call it goes straight to voice mail.  If I'm wrong, great.  The fact remains I don't know for sure.  Last night I was watching an episode of 48 hours and I had to stop.  I started panicking that my situation would turn into theirs.  Weeks into months, months into years.  Please God, don't let it go on that long.  If he'd just talk to one of us so we could get him some help. 

My stimulator still doing ok.  Not where I'd like to be, but better.  When I  have it on it definitely helps but it gets to a point that I can't stand it in the "unwanted" areas.  Sometime it works just to switch to another program.  I'm really glad my appointment with PM doctor is coming up soon.  Like I need a new thing but it is what it is and I need an answer.  My battery site has been having this burning sensation. Almost like it's over heated.   That's not supposed to happen.  You can experience that when charging, but I charged a week ago.  Besides I don't have this particular issue as some do, just some warmth.   This "burning"  has been for 2 days now.  I won't let it go on for to long.  I hope it goes away because I feel like I need to treat the chest pain first.  I had mentioned to Mr. R last week about how sore the battery site continues to be and he said my loosing weight caused me to loose fatty tissue around it so there is no cushion any longer.  You can even see the out line of it. 

Saturday night I had my mind occupied again by the funniest little boy ever.  He's born to make you laugh and he did.  That would be P my handsome little grandson.  We had a great visit, just me and him hanging out doing whatever he wanted to do.  Including putting on A's princess crown.  Goofy Boy!  We even did a face time with cousin A.   My hearts not big enough to hold the love I have for these two <3.

Playing with the tea set and babies

Prince "AKA" Princess P

The "real" princess

Have no fear for what tomorrow may bring, the same loving God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and everyday.  He will either shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace, then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.  Francis de Sales.



7:32 in the 4th Bal 21 and SF 29