I won't quit

I won't quit exercising even though it is pure torture for me most times.
I won't quit believing I'm going to feel better someday.
I won't quit trying to get rid of these last few pounds that just won't go away.
I won't ignore what my doctors ask me to do even thought I don't want to do it. 

My day started feeling pain in every area of my body when I got out of bed this morning.  It was raining and the humidity was high.  I try to make any appointments I have later morning because until my pain medicine kicks in you just don't want to be around me.  I was awake much earlier than I needed to be.  Darn, why can't I sleep until the alarm goes off?  I stopped fighting it and slowly moved into the kitchen for that first cup of water and went to draw my deep hot bath that helps me get moving.  I was dressed and ready at 8 am and my appointment wasn't until 11.  I have this dilemma often that i try and hold out on taking my pain medicine so it will last until I can do what I need to do.  Especially when I will be out and it will be a long day with multiple stops.  

I watched some of the news and checked  email.  Paid a couple of bills, had breakfast followed by all medications.  By the time I made it to see my rheumatologist I was feeling comfortable.  I have a favorite stimulator program right now.  I also delay turning that on sometime too because at some point durning the late evening I just have to shut if off.  I want it to help when I need it most.  The wait was short.   After check in and after I saw the medical assistant he was right in to see me.  He is however, hard to get an appointment with.  I always schedule on the way out. 

I love this man.  I've been seeing him since 2006.  He is such a good listener and is very patient with you.  He wanted to know everything thats been going on since he last saw me.
(Nov '12)  I missed an appointment at the end of March.  We talked about the revision surgery and the new battery.  Of course his main concern was how my wrist, elbows and knees are doing.  While we are talking he is rubbing/pinching in certain areas.  Ouch..Ouch. Ouch. it hurts everywhere.  When I asked why it hurts like that in those areas, not the ones I mentioned, he said it was most likely my fibromyalgia.  Wait a minute, when did we decide I had fibromyalgia?  I know we'd discussed the possibility on many occasions.  As far back as my first visit.  I didn't have all the check points to diagnose it then.  He explained to me that it can take years to diagnose fibromyalgia because so many of the symptoms are also symptoms of other things too.  I remember all that, but I've always had myself convinced that is not what was causing all my "aches and pains" elsewhere.  I believed they all stemmed from the nerve damage in my back.  I was kind of in a daze while thinking when did say for sure you think I have this?

Today all the areas he checked hurt.  We talked about how the stretches helped my wrists.  I wanted to know why he thought my elbows were still giving me so much trouble?  It's the outside edge. When he put pressure the right way and I almost elbowed him.  The muscle leading to that tendon is very sore too.  The left side hurts worse I told him.  He said there wasn't as much inflammation on the right.  He really thought the best option was to try some physical therapy first.  If that doesn't help he wants to a MRI on both.  I knew sooner or later have to go back to PT again but never thought it would be for my elbows.  Seriously? Something as simple as holding Dallas' pooper scooper can bring me to tears.  He asked me to make sure any time I hold something to hold it with my palm up.  The pain comes from the inflammation and degeneration of the common extensor tendon, one of the tendons of the elbow.   Tendon tears can be the cause of chronic forms of Tennis elbow.  The fancy name Lateral epicondylitis.   From what I read rest should have it better in a couple of weeks so it has definitely become chronic. 

Shows the muscle and tendon and where it hurts!

This physical therapy session will be at the previous establishment I was going to so I am pleased about that.  It was just around the corner from where we used to live but now it will be a trip across town.  He mentioned something about rubbing and needles?  That sounds painful.  He said he wouldn't sugar coat it.  It will be.  Hopefully it will be worth it in the end.  I know plenty of people have dealt with it.  I'm just on a pity party right now with adding another issue.  As my friend says, "Girl, you need a tissue for your issues?"  Yes I do, thank you!

After he gave me all my marching papers I went down a floor to get my flu shot. First I had to stop off to check out and schedule an appointment for 6 months.  As I waited I looked at the papers in my hand.  Diagnoses this visit....first on the list FIBROMYALGIA ugh I hate that word.  It's almost like I had to see him put that down to believe he really said it.  I notice farther down listed as previous diagnoses....that same ugly word.  I guess he had been trying to tell me.  I just wasn't hearing him.   

 I waited longer to get my flu shot than I did to see the doctor.  I believe everyone there with a doctor appointment was getting their flu shot too.  I'm glad its done, but this time went a little different than usual.  Within a short time I started itching at the injection area.  It continued to get worse and soon I felt a bump coming up.  I really wasn't able to look at it until several hours later. 

right after I got home around 3:15

From there I went to meet my daughter, son in law, P and his maw maw for the new babies ultra sound.  It went well.  It took awhile because at this particular ultra sound they take a lot of measurements and look at a lot of things.  P was enthusiastic at first.  Full of questions.  Smart questions.  I can't remembered quite how he asked but it got his big brain to thinking and he wanted to know if his mommy was in a tummy one time?  It was so cute how he asked.  His daddy explained to him mommy was in Nonna's tummy when she was a baby.  I told him I could tell him all about it and show him pictures.  I started thinking and I can remember it all so clearly.  Somethings just don't erase from your mind.

P watching closely while sitting with Maw Maw

My son in law hoping to catch a glimpse of the sex

After the ultra sound was over I hung around with B to see her doctor.  My son in law, P and maw maw went ahead and left instead of waiting around longer.  It had been a long time for P.  He was so good and patient.  We had a bit of a wait to see her doctor.  When she was done there she wanted FOOD.  Poor girl was hungry.  She didn't want to put a lot of food in her stomach so she'd only had yogurt.  It was 3pm by this time.  She had a subway sandwich and we left.  

I was pretty tired myself when I made it in and my arm was driving me nuts.  In the past I've only had soreness never itching or swelling.  If I hadn't had the shot in that exact spot I'd have sworn it was a hive breaking out.  I changed into something comfortable and saw what I was feeling.  A big knot.   Of course you know I have a picture to show you!  I'm still glad I had one.  I haven't missed since 2000.  In 1999 I had a terrible case of the flu that kept me down for two weeks.  I swore I would get one every year after that.  I have and I've never had the flu again.  Knock Knock.

Around 5 and yes it's bigger!

Last but not least.  It's Tuesday.  Weigh in day.   I'll start with my measurements being exactly the same.  Weight- half a pound down.  I'm not thrilled about it because during several weeks I've hit this weight only to have it be up on weigh in day.  I believe it is just a fluke it happened on the right day today.

Well that's enough for tonight.  You got an earful yesterday.  Enough is enough.   Tomorrow is a new day.  Everyone has something to face as they wake and face the day.  We're never alone.  

Living with H.O.P.E.
Theresa

The day after

I'd like to say I had a good night and day today, but it wouldn't be true.  After finishing  the post I wrote last night (which may have not made any sense because I was in a lot of pain) I tried to lie down and get some sleep.   It was a long night awake and uncomfortable.  I could only lay on my right side.  A tried on my back with a pillow wedged to keep any pressure off of my incision side.  Swelling set in so on and off during the night I tried some ice. 

I finally starting dosing around 2.  At 6 I got up and turned on the news.  4 ibuprofen and 7 am I'm baking blueberry oatmeal muffins. A cup of Hazelnut coffee.  Ah, that helps anything.  Ran the dishwasher, put un a load of clothes and roamed around in my back yard for awhile enjoying the birds, plants and flowers.  And no, I didn't unload the dishwasher....left that for my helping husband. 

Being up was much more comfortable than trying to sit or lay on the couch or bed.  When I did have to sit down I rigged up a way to put something behind my lower back and it kept my lower area to touch anything.  It's hard to explain, but even doing that I could feel the  pressure from the bottom area.  I just made the best of it and got through the day.  It always seems to get worse at night.  Why is that?

Tomorrow is a new day so if I sleep a little more tonight even that will make tomorrow a little better.  The day after surgery is always the hardest to me.  Which means it should get a little easier each day.   If not I'll just have to find some more things to do standing!  I have some ironing I've been putting of for some time now. 

A while back I ordered a glass water bottle what has a reamer on top to add fresh lemon, lime, orange or whatever mixture you want to try.  I drank a full bottle of lemon water first.  Then I had a bottle of lime water.  I put lime or lemon in my water a lot to add some flavor to it.  I don't really care for flavored bottled water.  I've never liked putting the lemon down in my glass.  The built in reamer allows you to keep the water free from germs and pesticides on the skins.  For some reason it always taste better from glass instead of plastic.

Lime water

With drinking lid off

• 
  
• Why Lemon Water?
• Lemon water is a natural detoxifier for your 
• body
• Aids in digestion
• keeps your skin youthful and glowing
• Freshens your breath
• Fights colds and infections
• Aids in weight loss

My new signature:

H.O. P. E. {hold on pain ends}

Theresa

lemon reamed and lid on

Happy St. Patrick's Day

St. Patrick's Day.

St. Patrick's Day, one of my favorite holidays.
Maybe it's the irish in me.

I struggled for the 24 hours before the parade Saturday to go or not.  We rarely miss. 2 years ago we did and that was the first time in many years.  I was so physically and mentally exhausted.  Had I know what I do now, two weeks ago my post title would have been "the worst week to come".  Because I thought last two weeks was bad and couldn't be any worse but then this one dragged along.

I knew the day was coming.  Every morning I prayed to God that if this was the day please give me the right words to say to be helpful, useful and not just make matters worse.  Things were not working out at all for my son at his dad's house.  For his privacy and because it's such a personal matter I'll just say it was less emotionally stable there than being in his car.  On Monday he made a call after having his Dad bring him into town hoping  my brother or my mom would come to pick him up. (without asking first)  I can promise you he was totally serious about walking home, he would have done it.  

My mom spent most of day with him mostly just letting him relax and sleep while she did her thing in the truck.. It was pretty warm that day so I could imagine how warm it must be have been just staying in the truck letting him rest some.  He stated he hadn't slept but only once during his time with his dad.  At the end of the day my mom brought him to stay over with my brother and sister n law.  2 nights and the second was not pleasant by any means.  The strange thing was that Monday morning I text my daughter and said something had him on my mind more than usual durning the night and I came over whelmed with this fear she or myself would hear form him on this day.

A couple of hours latter I heard from my sister n law.  She seemed to be very concerned for him and recommended he be evaluated asap because what ever was causing him to be seeing what he was seeing, feeling and not sleeping was keeping their household awake too.  I knew it, I'd already witnessed  myself myself.    Then came the decision of who would go and get him.  My daughter and I brainstormed all day searching for some kind of help for him.  No mental health centers in the state of LA are left open.  I did find one place that seemed interesting but needed more resources.  

My daughter stepped up to go get him.  This time would be different.  She had the hard task of breaking it to him in order to bring him home he had to be willing to seek treatment.  I think it took a lot of encouragement from both sister n law, brother and my mom.  B had prepared herself that she couldn't be all sensitive to his needs.  She had to talk to him like the adult that he is.  She gave him two options and neither were fun what so ever.  

She brought him home with her and let him sleep at their home under the agreement he'd go to my house bright and early to be brought to hospital for an evaluation.  He agreed.  She dropped him to me and we didn't wasted anytime getting out the door.  We went to OLOL hospital ER.  They took him right back, I 'm sure mainly to do with what I explained he was experiencing.  After about 30 minutes a PA and SW came out to talk with me.  Another 30 minutes went by then a different nurse came out and asked me a lot of questions also.  The told me to go home it could be hours before the were finished their evaluation and need for admitting.  Needless to say they called called 2.5 hours and said they were admitting him into the ER.  I asked about seeing him and she said it would be sometime later because I wasn't allowed to have any conversations with him until the found a permanent bed to place him.

 Without explaining it was one of the hardest things I've done in my life.  There's more to tell but I'm falling a sleep.  I want to share some of St. Patricks day excitement with you also.  Tonight my daughter and I went to see my son for the first time.  She had spoken with him by phone the day before and he seemed so very uncomfortable and not willing to talk much at all.  Our visit tonight went well though.  He seemed different, but we were happy to see him out of bed and talking some.
I'll go for the visitation tomorrow night and B back on Tuesday.

His car was fixed and we picked it up on the way home from the parade.  I spent quite some time cleaning it out last evening then again some this morning.  My body has been through more in last four days than past couple of months all together.  Everything aches, especially my back and battery area from bending over so much.  I have a busy week ahead too.  A lot of papers to fill out for him and some research to do also. 

I never in a million years believed this is how my son would end up.  I've never even been inside of one of these centers.  It was like I was in a fog on my way there and it was not my kid we were going to see. A very hard decision to have to step up and do for him to get better and stronger for himself and his daughter.  I'm so glad it's over but on the same token scared to death as to what comes next.  How will we survive?  We will, I know it by the strength of God.  But right now it's so hard to believe.  

Thank you brother, mother, daughter and friend who talked me through this.  Your love and support help me to know I'm doing the right thing.  I hope no one you love or care for has to experience this.  He has a very long road ahead and has many stops along the way.  I'm so sorry if I have mistakes.  I'm even to tired to proof read as I usually do.

I finally heard back from Mr. R.  I was a bit annoyed that it had been a week and I was hurting so much it reminded me to follow up.  I guess the tone of my text came across and he apologized for his crazy busy week last and to feel free to pester him when i don't get a quick response, but thats not me.  He said after his discussion with my doctor they are looking at a possible revision, new batter site, smaller battery or wait it out to see if it gets better.  I wanted so bad to say with all my stress build up , "yes, like my back?"  I'm still waiting for it to get better:-( 

I leave you with a sneak pic of a few pictures.  Both of my grandkids say the silliest things sometime.
I was so joyful to have them both during a difficult day.

Hanging in there....Theresa