New News

If I pick up where I left off I'd share that I love my new psychologist.  She is a lot different than who I was seeing.  I liked her though, that's very important for someone who will be prescribing you medication that can change your total attitude and nature. 

She had a drug in mind at the end of our session that she thought she'd really like me to try.  UGH...I hate coming off of antidepressants.  It's always so scary.  Not to mention I'd just had this awful experience with the Limbrel that was still slightly present.  She went into discussion of why she was considering this medication.  As I left she wanted me to just take my current medication and she'd call me the next day with her decision.  She wanted to review my genetic testing.  

On Tuesday she called as promised but had something else in mind she wanted me to take.  I have to say I was disappointed at first because I'd done some reading the night before. For the first time I liked what I read and even the patient reviews were good.  Those can really scare you.  D does not like for me to read all of that.  I had to trust her judgement though.  Dr. L's notes mentioned that she was considering me trying this medication and she agreed it seemed to fit my needs based on her notes and genetic testing notes.  The good news was she had the first month in samples for me.  My husband went by and picked it up for me and the journey started.  

OMG !! I shouldn't have read the reviews on this one.  Maybe 1 out of every 10 was positive but 9 negative with a lot of side effects.  The next day I started tapering down on the Viibryd and started the new one.  Two days of 20 then up to 40.  Today was the last day of the Viibryd.  It hasn't been to bad.  Not sure the side effects I'm feeling are from coming off one or starting the new one.  This new one has only been on the market since the fall of 2013 so I'm a little nervous about that.  My new doctor likes that it helps with chronic pain.  Like Savella, Cymbalta, and Lyrica all of which I've tried.  Maybe, just maybe this is the one with the perfect balance.  Pain, depression and anxiety.  Supposed to cover all of this.  What a wonder drug if it does! 

Yesterday was my annual eye exam except it was a little later than annual.  I just can't seem to stay out of a doctor office so there are a couple I scheduled out during the year even though I was due to go at the end of the year.  I have to see the dermatologist next month.  

I've been telling my husband that I had a feeling my prescription for my glasses would change.  Seems every time I go in my eyes are worse.  She said around age 60 they will level out and should stop changing.  Not urgent.  I can wait a few months and just call in when I'm ready.  After my eyes had reached the point they were dilated enough she seemed to spend more time than usual looking and studying.  After she was done she talked to me about Fuchs Dystrophy.  The good news is that I come for my annual exam so we caught it right away.  I was kind of in a fog as she explained about the disease, causes, symptoms and worst case scenario.  

Wow, I sat in my car feeling like every time I go to the doctor they tell me something is wrong.  I think I will stop going.  I know that's not the answer but right now I'm still in the "why me" & "don't I have enough" stage.  I'll be past it soon.  I don't stay there long, but it's something I have to go through.  My way of dealing I guess.  

Fuchs Dystrophy, no matter how you look at it, has no good end.  It's a slowly progressing corneal dystrophy that usually effects both eyes and is more common in women.  It rarely effects vision until people reach their 50's and 60's.  I'm 7 months from knocking down that door!  Symptoms may include:

Blurred vision on awakening that may gradually clear up as the day goes on.
Other types of visual impairment, including distorted vision,  sensitivity to light, difficulty seeing at night and seeing halos around lights.
Eye discomfort..
Painful tiny blisters on the surface of cornea-caused by excess fluid within the cornea.
A cornea that is cloudy or hazy in appearance
Blindness-may occur late in the disorder.

Treatment involves in early stages topical hypertonic saline, the use of a hairdryer to dehydrate the precorneal tear film, and therapeutic soft contact lenses.  Definitive treatment however is surgical in form of corneal transplantation.  

At this point I stopped reading.  I don't want to know or understand anymore right now.  My progressive change in vision is not related to the Fuchs Dystrophy.

Gluten Free is going well.  I want to mention because there has been some talk in the news of GF being unhealthy if you eat too much of the same thing over and over and not getting in enough veggies.

Kind Bars....very good  GF

scrambled egg with veggies, GF shell with salsa

A couple things I discovered that are good.  The Kind bars are tasty.  I try to just have one occasionally.  They are expensive at some places like health food stores but Albertson's carry them.  They regular price is still cheaper than HFS. I recently caught a sale on them for .81 cents.  Thats why you see a box of them!  I never eat breakfast for breakfast.  Honestly I hardly like any breakfast foods.  I do however like scrambled eggs for supper.  I decided one night to jazz them up and put in a GF wrap add a little salsa and it was awesome.  

At least 2-3 nights I've been stuck on jasmine rice with saute bell peppers and onions, grilled chicken and broccoli all tossed together.  Guess what I add for some spice?  Yes your right, some salsa!

Jasmine rice, broccoli, bell pepper and onions 

Thats all I have folks.  I'm processing this new news and really can't wrap myself around anything else.  
Enjoy the rest of your week and I wish you peaceful and painless days.
God Bless,
Theresa

No place like home

Well, I made it back safe and sound.  I won't say I returned rested and relaxed by no means.  I'll take safe and sound first anyhow.   I knew before we left sleep would be an issue for me.  I have trouble getting it at home in my own bed.  For to many years I've been awake all night away from home not able to sleep.  I had my psychologist prescribe me 5 Ambien in case of desperation.  

It's an awful medicine to get off of if you take to long, my opinion, so I swore I'd never use it again.    Never say never.  The first night the weather was terrible.  We had a balcony stateroom so you could hear all noises outside in the ocean.  It was the first time I'd been on a floor that high.  ( because of balcony) You notice the rocking of the ship a lot more on deck 9.  Thank goodness there was only one other night of bad weather.  I was pretty scared and not ashamed to admit it.  My mom was out enjoying herself that first night and at 2 am my anxious self was still wide awake when she came in.  Yes, I'd taken the ambien.  Even after she was in I still couldn't relax and sleep.  Lets just say she makes a little noise when sleeping.  Like my dear husband, but a little louder.  The first night was pretty rough and I was glad to see the morning come.  I got approximately 3-4 hours sleep and my body was not happy with me for it.  

Each night was some battle.  My mother worried about me so much she purposely stayed out one night hoping I'd get some sleep.  Unfortunately, I don't sleep on demand.  Kind of like a day time nap.  No matter how tired, my body just refuses.  By Wednesday night I'd come up with putting my ear pieces in my ears instead of just resting my phone on the side of my pillow.  ( using the pink noise app)  When I did go to sleep this helped drown out any noises in the room.  Yes, there were others.  A creaking door that lead to connecting staterooms.  Our noisy guests next door.  They really didn't care what time it was to go out on the balcony and make noise and celebrate.  Next cruise, if there is one, I'll request to be in between two elderly couples.  

"The Pearl" Our ship is behind, a little bigger "The Spirit"

Outside of the sleep issue we enjoyed ourself.  The food was wonderful.  Hard decisions on where and what to eat.   So many options to do it was hard to choose each night.  One night before a show we went to game show at a night club.  The band played a snip it from a television series theme and you had to take a guess and write it down.  The crowd was in groups and very competitive.  I surprised myself at how many I knew.  Turns out many of the 25 were from when I was little so I knew the answer.  My mom recognized the music but didn't know the name being she didn't really see the programs.  Some of them were: The Brady Bunch, The Adams Family, Green Acres, Bonanza, The Pink Panther, The Odd Couple and The Rockford Files to name a few.  That was fun.  Another lady with us was really into it and got so excited with everyone we had right.  You'd swear our prize was a million dollars.

Every night there was some sort of excellent entertainment in the "Stardust Theater"  On the Monday night we saw a comedian who had our jaws hurting he was so funny.  I haven't laughed that hard in some time.  There was an act of two Russians, ( male and female ) who were amazing.  I don't know if they were lovers, but they sure seemed to be.  It was a beautiful, death defying romantic performance.  I won't bore you with every night.  It was well worth your time to go an see.  The only down side was we had to really get there early to get a seat at the end of an isle. The theater held a lot of guests but it was one long isle.  You know, where there is no way for someone to pass unless you stand up?  It's quite and effort sometime for me to get up out of those types of chairs.  I didn't care if I had to sit at the top.  It was worth it to not climb over people and to stand up and stretch any time I felt like it.  

My friends and family are very familiar with my cushion I carry around everywhere with me.  It made it all over that cruse ship and back home.  If only it could talk....

After a show one night they had a chocolate lovers buffet.  There is not one thing chocolate they didn't have.  Cheese cake, any and every kind of cake.  Chocolate sculptures.  Chocolate covered things!  It was a sight to see.  The only down side was the time of night.  It was late.  I really can't have caffein after lunch much less at 10:45 at night.  That's ok, my mom enjoyed for both of us.  Love you mom. 

one of the chocolate sculptures 

I would say one of my moms favorite things was listening to music.  She loves to hear a live band and loves to dance.  She even got up on stage with one female singer she befriended and the lead singer officially titled her as her "back up dancer". My mom got a huge round of applause after.  I took a few pictures during then I took off before the song was over in case my mom came towards me.  Hee hee.
Seriously I'm just joking.  She loved it and I loved seeing her enjoy herself. 

Mom's new friend

"Proud Mary"

Another thing the two of us enjoyed was a massage.  I went first and she had hers a couple hours following me.  We had the same massage therapist and she was great.  I've never been disappointed with a massage on a cruise.   This was my third time cruising and my third time meeting a wonderful person who taught me something.   They had a steam room to use and I definitely made use of it everyday, but once.  It really helped with the bursitis and fibro pain.  Oh how I miss going to the one at the "Y".  It feels so awesome when you leave.  If you've never tried it, please do.  It's great for muscle and joint pain, to release toxins and leave your skin looking good.  I'm sure there are many other benefits.  

We got off of the boat on three different occasions.  My mom and I were a good pair for shopping because neither of us can make it very long.  We were usually ready to return around the same time.
At every port we met interesting people and had good conversation.  It was the same on the boat.  Every night we met someone new and then would end up seeing them again.  I met a couple the first day who were on their honeymoon and I saw them most everyday.   With 2500 passengers you wouldn't expect it, but it happened.  He had been on quite a few cruises but it was her first.  

goofing off in Costa Maya

She's going in

During dinner at one of the nicer restaurants we met an interesting couple who'd seem to done a lot of traveling.  They had some interesting stories to share  On the other side of us were two nice gentlemen who were just as pleasant and joined us in our conversations.  Made for an interesting dinner night.  We only seemed to meet and spend time with very friendly people.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, shows, karaoke, dancing or site seeing.  We didn't run across anyone who wasn't kind to us.  

At dinner one night

With all that said, I still couldn't be happier to step foot on the port of New Orleans.  Check my passport and let me out of here.  I miss my hubby and my family.  I haven't been that happy to see him in some time.  I guess it's good to get away from your spouse sometime to really appreciate them.  Of course the baby at home really missed me too.  Dallas.  I'll update you on him next post.  He has a surgery coming up in two weeks.  I didn't sleep much the first night home, but I will say the second night I was sleeping at 11pm and did not wake up until 9:45 am.  VERY unusual for me.  I sure needed it.  I can't tell you the last time I had that much sleep.   

I'm struggling with fibromyalgia pain at intense levels.  Hence my outbreak of hives since I've been home.  It made two weeks yesterday that I've been off of the Lyrica.  I'm not sure how I'll continue to keep going without it.  The good news is my stimulator is still in check.  I believe I'm setting a record for myself now on time between adjustments.  I'd never have survived the cruise without it.  

Speaking of my stimulator, as a fellow blogger who recently stated, you get to cut the line when passing through the zapper. (that's what I call it)  I had my card out to show them and they barely looked at it.  He just waved me on over and patted me down.  On the boat, as we got on and off at various ports, it was even easier.  I flashed the card and they just had me bypass.  No patting.  

I'm praying for a blessed Easter Sunday for everyone.  Don't over do it please.  You know the following day is really the one that kills you.  I'm thankful to be home.  I'm thankful for my life, my family and friends.  I'm also thankful for the support of the above and my readers.  Your emails and own blogs inspire me to keep on keeping on sometime.  

God Bless.....
Full of H.O.P.E. 
Theresa

Where do I start?

2 week pictures

Spring pictures of A

Where do I start?  I'm not doing to well and it shows in keeping up with my blog.  I've come to realize when I'm feeling better I tend to "want" to blog.  I've really had a tough time through this hard winter we had this year.   I think about it a lot, and feel like all I will do is complain and who wants to hear that. 

I was reading something in a book about dealing with chronic pain and the writer mentioned to not be afraid to let your friends and family know and help them understand how your feeling.  If you don't, they won't understand your behavior at times.  What happens to "you" is you shut yourself off from everyone.  I watched it happen to me  multiple times even though I've been in therapy for 3 years now.  This blog was meant for reaching people who deal with chronic pain and/or have a SCS.  it was meant to be a pain journal so to speak.  Someplace I could feel comfortable talking about how I feel and how I'm dealing with it.   So here I am back to complain.  I really should continue to do more of it here.  As I get through some tough days I'm angry by the time I arrive home.  Depressed or angry.  I don't know how to stay in the middle.  As I've said many times my husband ends up take the brunt of my release.  

My latest ailments outside of the everyday trials are a flare up of my gastritis/reflux and the bursitis.  In my last post I was feeling so positive that the bursitis was almost gone.  I was feeling very little and was continuing to do the stretches even though I'd been released from OT.  Within weeks it was much better but unfortunately it just moved areas.  I woke up during the night soon after with my upper arm on same side hurting.  The pain was all the way from top of shoulder to my elbow on the back side of the arm.  (tricep area)  Over the last month it has increased to the point I can't lift my arm straight out or past shoulder area.  I decided to just deal with it because I had an appointment coming up with my rheumatologist.  My OT had already told me the PT would be the person to help me with anything above the elbow.  I know Dr. C could give the recommendations and stretches I needed.  I preferred to wait for his advise.  

Meanwhile, during the same time I was waking up every morning with a burning sensation in my stomach.  I was also very nauseous to the point I didn't want to eat anything.  I put up with it for two weeks then decided to go ahead and schedule with my gastroenterologist.  I figured they'd be sending me a card soon since it had been a year since I'd seen him and my Nexium was about to be out of refills.  It just so happened the appointment that was available was the same day as my rheumatologist.  The times worked out perfect.  I really love getting two over with in one day instead of going back to town on another day.  

I saw the gastro doctor first.   He said some people build up a tolerance to reflux medication just like a pain reliever so first thing he wanted me to try something new for the reflux.  Secondly, and sadly, he wants to do another scope to compare the changes to the gastritis.  He was not comfortable with he amount of ibuprofen I'm taking.  I told him I really don't have a choice.  I refuse to increase my pain medication.  I may have a change of heart if my scope shows a big difference but I'm praying it's his first thought. Maybe the Nexium isn't working any longer.  My husband has been taking Nexium for years and never had to change.  His symptoms haven't returned though.  

After leaving there I went straight to see my favorite doctor of all of them.  He is the nicest person in the health care field I have ever seen.  Believe me when I say I've seen a lot.  He always sits and talks with me first.  Then he always does an exam.  How many of your doctors examine you?  Maybe your GP?  My PM doctor or my previous orthopedic doctor who did my fusion never once examined my back.  They all rely on notes and x rays.  Focus, back to topic...he cares about everything else going on, not just my Fibromyalgia.  When we discussed my appointment with gastroenterologist he told me he liked the medication he wanted me to try.  ( I really appreciation his opinions whether I ask or not ) He was really concerned about that issue for me and asked me to come back 3 months instead of 6 so I could update him on the scope results and my decision about the Fibromyalgia medication I'm taking.

During his exam he had me do all kinds of things with my arm.  He conclusion was the bursitis was in my rotator cuff not my arm.  The arm is just where the pain refers to.  The good news, it's in place you just have some bursitis there.  Seriously?  So it just left one area of the arm to another.  I really just thought it was fibromyalgia pain.  He reminded me that for most people the pain level is one number but when you have fibromyalgia it amplifies.  He spent quite some time showing me what stretches to do and gave me a print out with instructions.  We decided I could do this on my own at home instead of returning to PT.

I talked to him about my medication not helping any longer.  He gave me the option of stopping.  Sometime when you have so many other things going on you think something isn't working but if you stop it you can tell it is helping.  He doesn't doubt it's not, but he suggests I get off and see how much different I feel.  The other option is to bump up to two and see if that helps.  Before I could get it out, (my concern of weight gain), he reminded me it put some more weight on me.  Yes, I know.  It already has.  Even though I've continued to stay on WW's it still creeped on.  I'm back to where I was when I started WW's. I had lost 8 pounds when I started the medication.  I can't imagine if I wouldn't have been following a diet where I'd be.  I like that he gives me options and he's truly honest with me on how "he" feels about it.  

I have a close friend who has dealt with elbow and shoulder pain.  I know she really understands where I'm coming from.  If I try and find the good in having the bursitis not leave but move to a different area it is that if I don't use my arm it doesn't hurt.  I wish it was that way with my back.  In some ways I think they are all tied together.  

On to some good things.   This makes week four of watching two of my grandchildren one day a week.  Even though we've never been very far apart life just keeps everyone busy.  For me, if I'm not busy, I'm recovering.  It's been nice to see them on a regular basis.  When P was born I tried really hard in the beginning to see him as often as possible.  I was still working at the time and it seemed to get harder and harder to get it done.  My daughter brought him to see us plenty of the time.  I can remember so many week ends longing to be with him but just couldn't pull myself out of bed to get in the car to go.  

Not only do I love spending the day with them it also makes me very happy to be helping my daughter and son in law.  It's so hard for mom's to go back to work at any age of their children's life.  I believe it's especially hard when you have to leave an infant or even a toddler especially if its not with family.  It's a long day for me, but worth every minute of it.
AJ is smiling at her big brother and he loves her so.  If I'm not sure where something is he can help me out for sure.

Hanging out with sista

2 week old angel

smiling

Five more days until my mom and I set sail for our caribbean getaway.  The closer it gets the more excited I am.  I usually get really nervous about leaving town any method of traveling.  One or two nights before I start thinking of all the reasons I shouldn't go or what could happen while I'm gone.  I've always been anxious about being away from my children.  Now I have my grandchildren I think about and miss. And then there is my baby at home, Dallas.  Of course I will worry about him.  We have a follow up appointment at the vet on Friday so at least I will have an update before I leave.

My mom and I have been off on a short trip together and a longer one with more of the family but never for this length of time just her and I.  We will have plenty of time to catch up, enjoy some great food, entertainment, soak up some sunshine and most importantly just relax. 

Weekend before last A was here for a visit.  She spent Friday night and Saturday with Poppa and Nonna.  On Saturday afternoon I brought her to have some spring pictures taken.  She loves to get dressed up.  After she was done she couldn't wait for her daddy to get there and see her in her beautiful dress and she didn't want to take it off to make sure Aunt B could see "how pretty" (her words) she was.  And I agree.  Take a look for yourself.

I hope to check back in before leaving on Sunday.  If for some reason I don't I will be around soon after to show off some pictures from our trip!  Enjoy the rest of the week.  We will return on the following Sunday.

Until we chat again....remember to have HOPE-Hold on Pain ends

Come on Spring

We've had a tease of spring weather this past week.  The high in the 70's several days in a row.   Last week end D pressure washed the deck to prepare for sealing.  Between watching him work outside around the pool and the weather it really gave me pool fever.  I can't wait until we can open so I can get back to doing some walking.  We'll see about the lap swimming.  I have every intention to go back to it, but I'm slightly concerned that it may have caused the bursitis.  Last year when we opened the pool I had to wait 3 more weeks because my incision was still healing from my battery change and reposition.  Not this time.  I'm in as soon as it's open!

D and I are both hopeful that we will open 3-4 weeks earlier than last year with the help of the thermal cover we purchased last fall.  We were able to close a month later than usual.
We do need some sunshine for that to work and we haven't seen much of it lately.   I'm hopeful!  

On to how all my ailments are.  

My aching back: Same old story.  I mentioned last post I was actually looking forward to my visit with my PM doctor.  I'm never looking forward to any appointment but I know I needed some advise on my medications.  I have to say for as long as I've been on the same narcotic it's worked relatively well for me.  We talked last year on my pre surgery visit about changing because it had got to the point it was only taking the edge off and hardly reducing the pain scale number.  I was, and currently getting about an hour to hour and a half max relief from it.  He prescribes TID (three times a day) but I rarely take that way.  As you know, if you've taken narcotics for chronic pain for any period, the longer you take them the more you need to get relief.  You body becomes accustom to the schedule of taking it.  

This past winter has been the worst ever.  My PM doctor stated he couldn't tell me how many complaints over the last few weeks he'd heard the same thing.  I told him all my bones hurt and he smiled only because he said he was waiting for that next.  Something else he has heard a lot.  So we did make the change at this visit.  We have a good relationship and he knows what my pain tolerance is.  He trusts if I tell him I've had to take as prescribed lately to get any relief that I'm at my worst.  He knows I understand the longer I hold off the more relief I get down the road.  Not to say it's always easy.  Trust me, if it's a day that will be hard I take every alley I can.  My stimulator runs 24/7, pain medicine and patch or cream.  

The lateral epicondylitis: After 4 months of OT I was very impatient with it and sought advice from an orthopedic in January.   He confirmed what we already knew.  No arthritis, just a bone spur on the elbow.  Good old tennis elbow.  Takes time, he says.  Yep, I've heard.  Funny thing is about two weeks after I saw him I started getting some relief with it.  I was so glad to get a break from the brace.  I left it off and when ever it started bothering me I'd put it back on.  I saw my OT on Friday and we did a review and release consult after my treatment.  She was great. Always encouraging me that it would get better.  It's not completely gone.  I'm still doing the stretches and careful not to over do it.  I'd say it's 80% better.  

The mean Fibromyalgia: This goes hand in hand with my weight control.  Shortly after I started the medication my rheumatologist started me on I reached a plateau.  I've been up and down by 2 pounds since December.  I can't seem to reach my goal weight for nothing.  It's ok though.  I'm happy I'm controlling the side effects of the medications.  If I wasn't still following a plan I promise you I'd have gained at least 10 pounds by now.  I really think I need to increase dose or take additional dose in the morning but I'm so scared of the side effects.  I see my rheumatologist next month so I can wait until then to get his advice on that decision. It can be brutal some days.  What already hurts intensifies, and areas that have never bothered you and have no reasons to hurt can be extremely painful.  

Dr. Oz had a segment on Fibromyalgia this past week.  I wish he would have committed more than 10-15 minutes to it.  He had an audience member who had symptoms come up and a specialist went over the "trigger points" that are very tender to someone dealing with FM as opposed to someone who isn't.  Why are they important?  Because so many women and men are written of as having some other diagnosis because it is very hard determine if you have FM or not.  For instance, most patients experience fatigue.  Fatigue for long periods of time for some patients.  That is a symptom of a lot of ailments.  It could be from any number of things.  Headaches are another example.  I could name more.  He made a point that made me feel better about something.  He said, some women are actually relieved to get the diagnosis because then they know that people don't think they are crazy.  There actually is something wrong.  I felt a little that way.  So many of my doctors said it was just a stem of my back pain.  I knew better.  I'd done to much research on my own about the illness.  I actually agreed when my rheumatologist started mentioning it.  When he officially put it down as my diagnosis it was disturbing none the less and a relief to know at the same time.

It's Sunday morning, raining and I don't have a place that is not hurting.  Every area is tender to touch.   I can remember seeing the commercial years ago for FM thinking how can that be?  Surely they can figure out what is causing it. 

When I was still working we had several patients diagnosed with FM and I was particularly close with one.  The last two years I was there I couldn't believe the change I saw in her.  Before I knew it she changed before my eyes.  Looking much older and frail, I had so much empathy for her in my heart knowing the "ideas" people have when you tell them what's wrong.  Including my own employer.  I believe she was fighting it years, before knowing what was going on for sure.   That was different for me.  I started out with the attitude that no one but my family needs to know about what they "think" I have.  I will however do everything I am supposed to do to keep yourself going.  Exercise, watching my weight, keeping my bi annual appointments with my rheumatologist.  A lot of people who aren't getting the answers they need stop seeking treatment.  I stuck with him even though for 4-5 years he had no for sure answers for me but he always had plenty information.  Ideas and suggestions for supplements.  He is my favorite of all my doctors, and I have plenty! 

Which brings me to....
My weight:  I just said it to my husband this am.  What is worse, to tough out the pain or gain a little weight? As much as I'm hurting this morning I'm really scared of the weight gain.  It's already put 20 pounds on me once before.   I've continued to follow my WW's program.  My husband and daughter both will tell you that I don't play around with something I pay for.  I'm not going to "estimate" or say to myself, well I've eaten good the last few days so it won't hurt to eat out and guess at it.  I'm sort of OCD about it.  If I can't figure out the points or it's not a chain in the app to know the points I'm going to pass.  With all that said my point is the medication is trying to win.  I'm on a low dose and feel like I could really use a stronger one.   He wrote for BID (two times a day) so I'd have if I needed it.  Hopeful though that a nighttime dose could keep me comfortable.  Most of the time it does.   I'd say out of a month I might do an am dose 5 times.  Today was a day I needed that.  I'm actually waiting for it to kick in right now.  

When I started the FM medication I was two pounds away from my goal weight.  There is no doubt I'd have hit it for sure.  It's been a struggle though.  It constantly fluctuates between 2-3 numbers but never have I dipped past that number I was at when starting the medication.  I've hit it again a few times but mostly stay 2 to 3 pounds above that.  There is no doubt if I wouldn't continue to follow a plan I'd quickly gain enough to not fit any of my clothes.  I've always worried about controlling my weight because of my back pain and the challenge of exercising.  

My Stimulator:  Even though I've been frustrated with my coverage and my lack of support ( I feel ) from my St. Jude rep who I've loved and bragged about many times, I seem to always have it on and thankful to have it.   I don't know if he is just so busy now he can't keep up with his number of patients requests.  My last time reaching him it was quite disturbing waiting to hear back from him.  He's told me in the past, "bug me".  Well, I did.  On the day we were supposed to meet he set me up with someone else because something came up for him.  I've seen her before but not for adjustments.  She was with him for several of my visits because she was training.  We did ok with our meet, but I ran into a problem a couple of days later.  I text and called her.  Guess when I got a return call?  Four days later.  I had figured it out on my own by then, thank goodness.  My stimulator was not making connection with the battery.  I've experienced this before.  One of the reasons I had to have the reposition surgery last year. By the time I heard back from her it was just so disappointing that she even called at that point.  Like it was ok?  Her message gave a reason why I it took so long and it was not even a good reason.  I have to get over it because her and Mr. R are my only options for adjustments.  I'm at their mercy. 

To let you know how much I'm using it reflects in how often I'm needing to charge now  I charged my batter yesterday and it had only been two weeks.  It took 2 hours and 10 minutes.  I used to go a month. sometime longer before charging and at most it was an hour.   I've had it running 24/7 the last few months in this awful damp cold we've had.  I've found if I turn down pretty low and leave running I seem to not be as uncomfortable when moving around in my sleep.  I have 13 programs right now and can only use 2.  I'm thankful for them, but even they could use tweaking.  To have at the level I need I get the zaps into my side and stomach.  I  will soon just bite the bullet and reach out to Mr. R again.  I need to do it before I loose placement with the 2 I have because it could be days before I get something set up with him.  

Dallas:  He has started a medication to help reduce swelling of the tumor in his bladder.  He has good and bad days.  Some days except for his bleeding you wouldn't think anything was wrong.  Some days he is just so lazy and laying around looking pitiful.  Our vet said at some point we will need to put him on some pain medication.  He's still up for his afternoon walk and eating all of his food every evening and she said that is a really good sign.  We are very hopeful that this medication will shrink the tumor enough to keep him comfortable and still active a little longer.  

Sweet AJ and P:  Things are going great for them.  AJ nursing well and P is such a great big brother.  Always checking and asking questions about his "baby sister".  B had two week pictures of her and they are absolutely beautiful.  Can't wait to share, but I have to wait until B sends out her announcements.  They are on their way.  She did share one of P and AJ together so I can share that one with you.  

Makes my heart melt <3

If you are on WW's and always looking for a low point snack like me I'll share a couple I've been having.  I have discovered Wasa multigrain crispbread.  They are only 1 point a piece and I pile on a wedge of laughing cow cheese, also 1 point.  It is a filling snack.  Have a piece of fruit with it and a full glass of water and I promise you it will help curve your appetite until your next meal.  

Wasa crispbread with laughing cow cheese

After my medicine kicked in and I felt a little better this morning I decided to use up my over ripe bananas.   I usually make breakfast muffins with them.  This recipe was a 3 ingredient and I followed exactly.  I already know a few changes I willtry next time.  So simple and  15 minutes from start to oven.  If you are on weight watchers they are 1 point a piece.  I'll probably eat 3 with some fruit.  A good way for me to get some oatmeal because I do not like it in bowl.   I used a measuring tablespoon to make sure I made 16 which is what recipe called for it to make.  That's not as important if your not following WW's.  If you are it is because the points will not be correct if you add anything or make quantity different serving size.  If you want to make them head on over to Skinnytaste.com to get complete directions.  They are called "Healthy cookies"  1 cup of Quick oats, 2 ripe bananas and 1/4 cup of walnuts.  I really like blueberries with oatmeal but these are small so fruit really doesn't do to well.  I'm anxious to finish these and use cranberries or mini chocolate chips next.  

Healthy cookies

Another of my favorites is a pizza on flat bread or a bread that is called flatout fold it.  I love the Rosemary & Olive Oil flavor.  They can be hard to find sometime.  Great for hamburgers or chicken sandwich too.  It is made by same company as the flat out.  Each kind is 2 points but the tortilla I used is only 1pt.  I mentioned it in an earlier post.  I use it to make a wrap sandwich and also toast to crisp and cut into strips to dip in my soup or chili.  Today it worked awesome for my pizza since I was out of the flatout flat bread.  

7 point pizza

You know what I love about making my own pizza?  You can put a lot of 0 point items you like on there to make it yummy.  I used Paul Newman marinara Sauce 1 pt , turkey pepperonis (serving size) 2 pts, mozzarella chesse (serving size) 2 points and the tortilla is 1pt.  It is even better with the flatout flat bread because it's a little thicker and more filling. It also makes the pizza 8 pts vs 7 because bread is 2 pts not 1.  My extras were onions, bell pepper and banana peppers.  So tasty.  

For the first time in I don't know when I don't have any doctor or therapy appointments this coming week.  I won't know what to do with myself.  Really I'll be caring for Dallas.  He's becoming a handful right now.  

I've enjoyed watching the Olympics.  D and I've enjoyed watching together.  They're aren't many shows we watch together.   A few shows that D and I watch together will start coming on again this week so we're looking forward to that. 

Good night everyone.  Have a nice peaceful and pain free week.
Filled with H.O.P. E. (hold on pain ends)
Theresa

Pajama Day

half a pound!

Today has definitely been a pajama day.  D and I both have been battling the sinus yuck this week.  Today that is a minor issue though.  This morning everything hurt as usual.  The difference was that nothing helped.  Pain medication, 4 liquid advils,  heating pad, ice pack, or my stimulator.   For some reason I'm having a lot of muscle pain in my legs today.  My arm is driving me nuts too.  At OT yesterday we both agreed I was improving so whats up today?  It's been a long time since I've given in to this wicked pain that seems to run my life at times.  Today has surely been one of them.  

I did some cooking last Sunday so I was happy to have something left to eat and not have to cook.  WW's Chili for lunch and broccoli soup and sweet potato for supper.  Killed both chili and soup just in time.  I'm still in my pajamas at 3 pm.  

So while I'm having to take this day of rest I'm watching some Christmas movies on LifeTime.   I'm hoping it will help spread some cheer in me to get excited about this upcoming holiday season.  I'm also charging my battery.  Something I never want to sit still long enough to get done.   We talked about decorating...wait start decorating this week end.  I don't decorate in one week end.  Last year I worked on my tree for two weeks.  Hey, it got done though.  I do what I can. 

What is really bugging me right now is knowing that someone is unhappy with me and my husband.  We both feel the same about having an enemy.  We never want to have one.   I've always let it bug me to death if someone was upset with me.  Others would say, "so what it's their problem".  I don't have to be best friends with them, but I don't ever want to be in a position that I have to avoid someone if I see them.  Right now, I'm in that situation and I'll work hard until I change it.

During the early part of the summer my neighbor called me to the fence to talk to me.  I didn't think anything of it because we talk at the fence often.  I've shared plants with her.  Shared baked goodies with her at Christmas last year.  When I first met her I thought we'd get along great always because of a common bond.  Pain.  She's had hip and knee replacement.  Back issues that cause her pain.  Another words she's hurting all the time like me.  She'd fuss at me when she'd see me doing something outside she thought I shouldn't be doing.  It felt nice to know someone knew, or at least I thought, how I felt.  

Back to the conversation at the fence.  She told me she was really unhappy about the extra fencing my husband had put up for privacy.  She said it looked really tacky on her side.  ( I noted her and my husband deciding this earlier in the year in a post along with a picture )
We added the additional height to fence because she was complaining to the neighbor on the other side of her and he shared with us.  My husband just confronted her while he was outside working in the yard and she agreed it might be just the thing for her not to feel like we were invading her privacy.  On this day though it was obvious that there was more to it than that.  She had a tone in her voice I'd never heard before.  She told me she wished we were more like the people who lived here before us.  They didn't have so many things in their yard and they didn't invade her privacy.  I told her we never intentionally look at her in her yard.  I can see through the fence from my patio at anytime and see her when she is on her patio so I wasn't sure of the big deal.  It turned into something ugly because I was so shocked at where it all was coming from.  I ended up telling her I didn't like the way she was talking to me and I was going inside.   Needless to say she was not happy with me that I stood up for myself and told her a few things she probably didn't want to hear either.

I was in tears when I went inside.  I couldn't let it go.  My anxiety went right to the roof.  I called D and couldn't reach him so I called our HOA president.  She had already heard from my neighbor.  What?  I couldn't believe it.  She told me she was about to drive down to her house and see for herself what all the hoop law was about.  I asked if she'd give me a call after to tell me what was the REAL problem.  An hour later our HOA president rang my bell.  She came in and asked to go look in our back yard at our deck, fence, patio and shed.  "Are you serious?", I asked her.  She said in a nut shell that she's never liked the fact that we even have a deck around our pool so when we finished and started using it it just made her unhappier that we could see over the fence at times.  Then we had the nerve to have a patio put up.  I guess she didn't like the way it looked.  We had it run past our patio on the side that is on her side to cover my husbands pit so when he is grilling and it may rain there is no problem.  She swore it was going to drain in her yard.  (even though we had gutters around the end )  The president said she had taken pictures while the people were installing the patio.  She showed them to her that's how she knew.

There is so much more to the story, but I'll tell you  bottom line is we believe she is just an unhappy person who doesn't want us to be happy either.  I'd never thought that someone like herself  (disabled) couldn't  understand that I have to have the deck to get in and out of my pool.  To be completely honest many times last summer when I was in there I thought of my neighbor and how she would benefit getting into the pool.  I never took the time to ask her because I really thought she'd refuse anyway.  Guess now I'll never now.  I want to tell her but she would never believe me.  The HOA president told me she was clear on one thing, she'd was going to do what ever it took to get us to take down our deck.  We were definitely willing to take down the fencing because we never liked it anyway.   She informed us that she would settle with just that.  "What can we do?", I asked her.  She wants your deck to come down too.  

I was so shocked.  For sometime I let it eat me up.  I was angry one day and so hurt the next.  What did we ever do to have her feel this way.  The houses that are behind ours, two to three down, have a party at least once a month.  It starts early in the afternoon and goes late into night.  Loud music, cheering, lights and obvious parting.  Now if we can hear this from our patio I know she can hear it from hers.  That my friends is something to complain about.   We have never had anything even close to that.  We hosted several small gatherings before and after this incident but saw nothing in these occasions that would cause her to be angry.  We thought about contacting an attorney but decided to let sleeping dogs lay.

Nothing has been said the rest of the summer.  I can't say it hasn't been on our minds.  What is she up to?  Did she decided to just let it go?  Well, we got our answer.  Wednesday night we had a HOA meeting at the library near out home.  I was a little surprised to see her right there on the front row when I walked in.  Oh my, I hope she isn't going to bring things up.  Surely, she isn't.  As we went through the agenda I held my breath through every topic.  As the end neared she raised her hand and asked to talk about the grandfathering rule.  At the previous meeting before this particular night that topic was discussed and voted on.  A decision was made that anything that was erected during the time of no architectural committee (2009-2013) would be grandfathered in and we formed a new architectural committee to handle these types of issues in the future.  (there are several other throughout the neighborhood) shocking, I know.   My neighbor was clear to the board and our management company that she was not settling for that.  She wanted something done.  

First of all, I should have never let her get me so upset.  My blood pressure hit the roof along with my big mouth.  I was hurting from 1) in general because it was the end of day 2) sitting in a chair for an hour and a half.  I did get up a walk on the back row multiple times to stretch.   3) just the stress of wonder why, why, why.  When she starting telling this complete stranger that we look at her over the fence, I just lost it.  I told her, " Get over yourself, we do not want to look at you".  My husband was so embarrassed.  I was too later on.  At the time I was pretty proud of my rude self stooping to her level.  I'd just had enough.  Past my chin, it was up to my mouth and I was chocking on it.  Just what did she think she could do?  I can tell you what ever she can, she will.  And why?  That's something we may never know I guess.  It's a complete nightmare I can't stop worrying about.

The next evening our HOA president stopped me as I was walking my dog and wanted to talk about what happened.  I told her I really didn't want to gossip and was so sorry I had such an awful outburst at my neighbor.  I said I would be willing to apologize if she would listen to me.  The president said to hold off because Saturday am the management company was meeting to discuss ours and some other neighborhood disputes.  I forgot to mention as we left the meeting that night the management company asked us to send them pictures of the back yard and our pool with deck.  

I had a discussion with an attorney on Friday regarding the matter and she made me feel a little better.  She recommended since we will be living next to this woman for some time the best deal is to try and work anything out with her.  She said to ask her to sit and talk with my husband and I and someone from the management company as a third party for a witness.  The attorney said our best hope is to try and connect with her on a level she can relate to, our common chronic pain.  Explaining to her how helpful and beneficial it is to me.  Also, how I was interested in helping her out by letting her use the pool.  If that did not help at all then let her go forward and we just sit back and see where she can go.  Not far she is pretty confidant of.  If she does, we will just need to call this attorney back and she will already be aware of what is going on.  

My point in all of this goes back to what I said in the beginning.  I'm loosing sleep over the fact that someone is unhappy with me.  I really want to make it right.  I don't really care who is wrong and who is right.  I have to live next to this woman for some time.  If I were to fall and knock myself out coming up the drive ( silly, I know but it could happen) I would feel better knowing she had enough compassion to call help for me.  I would definitely do the same for her even if we hadn't cleared up the.

So enough about that drama.  I took a break from this computer earlier and got wrapped up in a movie then let myself just roll right into the next one.  Tomorrow no matter how I feel I have to get moving again no matter how hard.  It's late, I'm closing.  I'll fill you in if I get word of any new news.  I can tell you I almost feel like a prisoner in my own home like she is watching my every move.  I have to move past this.  I'm going to keep thinking WWJD?
I know my answer will come.  Good night everyone and I hope your pain is tolerable. 

Living with H.O.P.E.
Theresa

A time for reflection

It's been an absolute amazing week.  Despite my aches and complaints D and I have throughly enjoyed this beach trip.  We're at a new place this time.  It's always nerve racking when you go to a new place you've never been until you see for yourself.  I'm a review reader, but you can't always believe everything you read.  Good or bad.

We had a safe trip here.  After checking in we got our grocery shopping done.  How convenient, a Sam's and a Wal Mart right next to each other just like at home.  It never fails, we over buy or under buy scared we'll have to much and have to find room to tote it home.

Not this time.  Perfect planning my friends.  Over supper we agreed that we shopped perfectly.  We have breakfast and lunch for tomorrow which is exactly what we need.

There is a beautiful view of the bay here.  Right on the docks a lovely place for grilling outside.  We had steaks on Tuesday night.  Nothing like cooking outdoors and watching the sunset.  Last night we went out to dinner and had another fabulous view while enjoying supper.  There were ducks everywhere right outside the window of our table.  We also enjoyed watching the sun set again for a second night.

We had a safe trip here.  After checking in we got our grocery shopping done.  How convenient, a Sam's and a Wal Mart right next to each other just like at home.  It never fails, we over buy or under buy scared we'll have to much and have to find room to tote it home.

Not this time.  Perfect planning my friends.  Over supper we agreed that we shopped perfectly.  We have breakfast and lunch for tomorrow which is exactly what we need.

D grilling supper

Sunset at resort

There is a beautiful view of the bay here.  Right on the docks a lovely place for grilling outside.  We had steaks on Tuesday night.  Nothing like cooking outdoors and watching the sunset.  Last night we went out to dinner and had another fabulous view while enjoying supper.  There were ducks everywhere right outside the window of our table.  We also enjoyed watching the sun set again for a second night.

Our normal little ritual is to hit the beach around 9-9:30.  Around 1-1:30 we come back and have lunch then back around 3.  After that we just stay based on our evening plans or what our stomachs decide for us.  Mainly me, I have to pack several small healthy snacks to make it through the morning and the afternoon.  D can go all day with a hearty breakfast.  Today we were especially enjoying the evening and ended up staying until sunset.  With a decent crowd during the day, leaving with just a hand full of people left.   3 days in row enjoying daylight end.   Now we could watch the sunset at home.  I can't tell you the last time we just stopped and watched the sun go down together.  

To the East @ 5:50

To the West @ 5:50, amazing difference

I've done well with my eating choices.  I really don't like saying "my diet" because I really mean eating right again.  My WW's tracker has been nagging me since Wednesday to enter in my weight.  Ha, I left the scale at home.  It will have to wait.  I know I've done ok though.  On Tuesday I was splurging since it was the end of the WW's week for me and I had plenty bonus points and all my activity points left.   It's been a relaxing busy so for me it reduces my temptations. 

I've walked 5 days in a row on the beach and plan to make it tomorrow morning also.  I wish I could do it in the morning at home.  Not as painful and I like that it's over and done. This couldn't be possible without my stimulator.   D has walked with me every other day.  Nothing like having your spouse sweat it out with you!  I had to be mindful of not swinging my left arm back and forth.  Except for swimming I never manage any type of exercise 5 days in a row.  
Another reason I'm feeling positive about step on the scale when I return home. 
They actually have a heated pool here but we've spent 85% of our time at the beach. 

On my mornings walks alone I've had a lot of time for reflection and soul searching.  There are many things going on in my life right now and my choices are crucial.  In the beauty of walking the beach, things just don't seem quite so bad.  Somethings need to be dealt with and some need to just be let go....and let GOD.  

They really aren't concerned they are in your way!

I've had a couple of good days with my arm and a couple of not so good.   I've also had a really bad one that went into the night.  It kept me awake most of it.  A sharp dull pain deep in my elbow.   Bursitis stinks!  Thank goodness it finally calmed down.  Beats me what caused it to "flare" the way it did.  I've followed all my OT's instructions, including stretches and wearing both braces at all possible times.  ( I have pictures to prove it )  I don't think I'm going back next Tuesday with my arm any better, but hopefully with a better attitude.   One can only deal with so much.  

4:30 today

D and I went to the outlet mall in Destin yesterday.  He had several things on his shopping list.  He got them all but one I might add.  I met a lady in one of the shops that asked about my braces.  She had a feeling because she'd been there, done that.  After 3 years she had surgery to repair and she said she was so glad she did.  It was simple and easy and changed her life.  Oh, to hear those words.  What I longed the outcome of my back surgery to be.  Again with my stimulator surgery.  Hearing her say that made my stomach churn because I pray that's not what my injury comes down to.  I have a bad taste in my mouth for any kind of surgery.  

I've had fun writing notes to my grandkids, friends and husband in the sand.  I have a friend really having a hard time right now.  I know the place she is in.  It's no fun.  When I was really struggling last year she text me almost every other day.  Just hello, or I'm here.  It meant so much and some time I couldn't even respond.  One day she just told me, "I'm coming over there."  "What do you want for lunch?"  Despite my saying "I'm not up to it"  She came.  It's time for me to do the same.  I don't like what I'm hearing, or not hearing back.  However, I did get a response from my picture and for that I felt hopeful. 

I sure miss my babies 

For D, right after I took first one I caught wave coming on the second

 

I hope this made her smile

All good things must come to an end.  I really want to just stay here.  With little to do and no stress at all I have felt better than I have in some time.  My husband would probably not agree but he doesn't understand "pain" vs "PAIN"  lol  God Bless him.   We have a lot to look forward to when returning home.  My grandson's birthday party is coming up.  Thanksgiving, our Anniversary, D's bd, my Moms 70th bd, D's moms bd, Christmas and then.......grandchild number 3.  That dear readers, is the best wait of all.  A new life begins.  A new chapter for Nonna.  My daughter and her husband love their son so much.  I'm just so excited for my daughter to have a daughter of her own.  I think maybe just maybe when she arrives I will try and stop referring to A and P as my "babies".

 I used to tell her when she was little that when she grew up and had children I hope she had a little girl who was just like her.   Now you can take that how you want it.  It was meant "both" ways!  I love both my children the same.  No doubt.  But, a mothers love for her daughter is just different.  Especially when she only has one.  A bond no one can break or come between.  Her and I have been through a lot together.  Things that would surprise you.  I'll just say we both have endured an equal hardship that cuts deep.  We're better mothers, daughters and spouses because we survived.  It's not how I want the bond with her daughter to form but it is the "kind" of bond I want them to have.  

Have FAITH, have HOPE (hold on pain ends),
Theresa

Hold On Pain Ends <3

Beautiful as usual