My two week pity party

I changed my mind three times for the title of this post.  I saw some hope and once again feel defeated....

Two weeks ago tomorrow it dawned on me that I was supposed to stop taking any NSAIDS until my scope that was scheduled for that Friday the 30th.  Great, day one tomorrow of a week of hell.  I just didn't know how I was going to deal without my "extra" help.  

Sunday wasn't to bad because I tried not to do anything more than I had to.  The following day was Memorial Day and D had grilled the day before so I didn't even have to cook.  I'd really started to dive into my gluten free change. I had very little left in the house of mine that would be a "no-no".  I was pretty set for the week.  

Tuesday I went to my daughters house as usual to watch the grandkids.  I got through it.  I'm usually pretty beat when I leave but my pain level was pretty up there this day.   Each day seemed harder and harder.  I did everything I could to get through without the ibuprofen and not increase the pain medicine.  More creams, increased stimulation and a lot of praying.  In the end it caused a flare up that was out of control and guess who came to visit...yeah my friends the hives.

Thursday evening came around and I was so relieved it was over.  Try and sleep tonight, take the test tomorrow and get some answers.  I always believe before every appointment or test I'm going to get an answer.  The same answer I've wanted to know for years.  No different news about this text.  Pictures looked the same as last year.  That part is good, but the fact that my symptoms are much worse are not.  He said absolutely no more ibuprofen.  I'm crushed! What about cutting back I asked him?  He said, "well, you could take 1 TID"  I seriously thought he was joking.  I take 4 at a time.  I was thinking more along the lines of taking the 4 once a day instead of twice.

My mind drifts back to the Limbrel that my PM doctor wanted me to try.  I tell the gastroenterologist about it and he agrees it's a great option to try.  So I take my first dose when we get home with my coffee I missed earlier that am. I had another prescription to pick up that day so I discussed how to take the Limbrel with my pharmacist.  I was thinking it was like the ibuprofen and you have to wait 2 hours between it and pain medicine.  She let me know it doesn't work like pain medicine and not to get my hopes up to get relief instantly.  If it  works it will be an overall reduction in pain scale by reducing some of my inflammation.  She said it won't make me feel better, then ware off like the pain medicine.  So when I returned home I was glad to know I didn't have to wait two hours to take my pain medicine.  It was almost lunch time and I was just taking my morning regime of medication. 

It's supposed to work best on an empty stomach so I wanted to do my best to try and take it that way.  By my second dose that night I was so nauseated :/(
Please God, let this be temporary.  One of the side effects but should pass quickly.  Not taking with food will help your body absorb better.  It continued most of the week.  Wearing off a little each day.  Finally by Thursday I was past it almost completely.  Then the bombshell hit...I went to bed that night and shortly after lying down starting feeling as if the bed was spinning.  Ok, this was weird.  What in the world is different.  It continued to get worse and keep me from sleeping.  I took out my pain/medicine journal and started to study.  

I got up Friday morning and when my feet hit the floor I felt so dizzy I went right back down.  It was so weird to me I'd never really experienced dizziness like this.  Both times I tried Lyrica I though I was dizzy but now I'd call that "light headed".  More like a brain fog or brain zaps.  My eyes twitched with that medication also. 

I had a friend coming over to visit and wasn't by any means canceling my plans.  My car was in the shop and I was stuck home anyway so I tried not to let it get me down.  I told myself hey, your not going anywhere today anyhow so couldn't be a better day to happen to you. It will pass and be over.

Speaking of my friend,  One of the things I love about her is she has no problem calling me and saying, "hey are you free this week I want to come visit?".  Perfect day for her to come since I was at home and even though I was feeling pretty weird having her here kept my mind off of the dizziness and my worry of why? It actually lightened a lot for some time but then later in the afternoon right about the time D got home I had to get still and recline in my chair.  I still took my evening dose of the Limbrel and I could tell after that the swaying, spinning and nauseas feelings returned with a vengeance.  Ugh...this can't be happening.  Please tell me it's not the medication.  If it isn't though, what is it? I really need this medicine to help me and to not make me have new problems.  After another rough night Friday night and barley able to get around Saturday am I was really getting down about this.

Who can I call on a Saturday?  Ah..my pharmacist. I love her.  She knows my husband and I both and I can talk to her about most anything.  I let her know what was going on and she recommended I get something over the counter for nausea because that usually helps with dizziness also.  She recommended I try some Bonine until I talk to the doctor on Monday. 

 She said there was a possibility it may not even be the Limbrel.  It may be vertigo she said.  I don't know what would be worse to not be able to use the Limbrel or deal with treating Vertigo?  We talked about how I'd recently started swimming again.  Maybe I had some water in my middle ear she suggested?  Maybe this, maybe that.  Try this and call your doctor Monday.  The most she could do for me.  She's not a doctor after all she reminded me.  She could see the disappointment.  I couldn't hide it. 

I had taken the morning dose and decided on my own to skip the night dose.  At 1am I was finally able to lay my head down and try to sleep.  Even the Bonine was not helping at all.   I'd decided I'd rather start over if I have to because it's the only way I see to know if that's what's causing the trouble.  Sunday morning I was so exhaused from the previous two nights lack of sleep. I pushed my way though a epson soak hoping to detox some of the medication out of my system and I was really adding to the large amount of water I drink.

I wish I could explain how I was feeling.  I tried telling my husband.  He said he understood but I know he didn't.  What's new with me not feeling good?  It's always something.  I am a fighter though.  I was so sick of feeling sick that I wasn't spending another day stuck in my house feeling like I had to hang around the bath room and hold on to the walls.  I got dressed and made myself to to the store.  I think I know how a drunk person feels driving now.  Don't know how I got there but I did and I was ok.  Felt good to get out of the house. 

It wasn't until 5 this evening I seemed to feel better.  Matter of fact I had went out side and realized I was watering and doing ok.  I decided to get in the pool and walk around a few laps.  It went very well surprisingly.  Could this be over?  But what does that mean?  I can't take the Limbrel?  That really stinks.  Guess I will wait to talk to him when he calls instead of making conclusions.  Maybe I can try the lower dose of 250.  I asked my pharmacist if maybe eating with it may be helpful.  She said that is not a side effect that would change from eating with food.  

So I wait...like usual.  On them to see what they say.  I'm expecting to hear it mostly like was the Limbrel causing or why would it have cleared up over the past two days.  If it continues to stay clear guess I know for sure.  Like I said above, I really needed this medicine to work for me but I push myself though a lot with my back already hurting.  I guess if I can't take it just wasn't meant to be.  Worse case i'll take the ibuprofen anyway.  At this point I'm just looking forward to sleeping good tonight and waking up feeling "normal" for me.

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my new psychologist.  Third one.  I really like the previous one but she retired to be with her daughter in another state having her first grandchild.  I guess I can't hold that against her. I just hope this therapist and I connect and have the same relationship I did with Dr. L.  I have a lot of questions for her.  None pertaining to any of my issues from this week end.  She doesn't prescribe that medication for me.  I plan to ask her to try and wean off of some of my others if she thinks I am ready. 

Thank God for my stimulator and it working so much better than it used to.  I couldn't tolerate what I do without it.  Some parts of my post may not seem right as far as time lines and days.  I tried multiple times to write but many things were out of the question with the dizziness.  Reading, watching TV, checking email, walking around in the pool.  Very simple things I couldn't do.  It was so frustrating.  Tomorrow is a new day.  If I can't take the medicine I accept that.  I just hope it doesn't come back.  I have no idea what my treatment for inner ear problems or whatever vertigo treatment is.

Struggling to keep up H.O.P.E.
Theresa

Morning Prayer to start your day.

I will this day live a simple, sincere and serene life; repelling promptly every thought of impurity, discontent, anxiety, fear, and discouragement.  I will cultivate health, cheerfulness, happiness, charity and the generosity in giving, carefulness in conversation and diligence in appointed service.  I pledge fidelity to every trust in a childlike faith in God.  I will be faithful in exercise, deep breathing and good posture.  Eat only healthy foods and get sufficient sleep each night. I will make every effort to improve myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually every day of my life.  

Come on Spring

We've had a tease of spring weather this past week.  The high in the 70's several days in a row.   Last week end D pressure washed the deck to prepare for sealing.  Between watching him work outside around the pool and the weather it really gave me pool fever.  I can't wait until we can open so I can get back to doing some walking.  We'll see about the lap swimming.  I have every intention to go back to it, but I'm slightly concerned that it may have caused the bursitis.  Last year when we opened the pool I had to wait 3 more weeks because my incision was still healing from my battery change and reposition.  Not this time.  I'm in as soon as it's open!

D and I are both hopeful that we will open 3-4 weeks earlier than last year with the help of the thermal cover we purchased last fall.  We were able to close a month later than usual.
We do need some sunshine for that to work and we haven't seen much of it lately.   I'm hopeful!  

On to how all my ailments are.  

My aching back: Same old story.  I mentioned last post I was actually looking forward to my visit with my PM doctor.  I'm never looking forward to any appointment but I know I needed some advise on my medications.  I have to say for as long as I've been on the same narcotic it's worked relatively well for me.  We talked last year on my pre surgery visit about changing because it had got to the point it was only taking the edge off and hardly reducing the pain scale number.  I was, and currently getting about an hour to hour and a half max relief from it.  He prescribes TID (three times a day) but I rarely take that way.  As you know, if you've taken narcotics for chronic pain for any period, the longer you take them the more you need to get relief.  You body becomes accustom to the schedule of taking it.  

This past winter has been the worst ever.  My PM doctor stated he couldn't tell me how many complaints over the last few weeks he'd heard the same thing.  I told him all my bones hurt and he smiled only because he said he was waiting for that next.  Something else he has heard a lot.  So we did make the change at this visit.  We have a good relationship and he knows what my pain tolerance is.  He trusts if I tell him I've had to take as prescribed lately to get any relief that I'm at my worst.  He knows I understand the longer I hold off the more relief I get down the road.  Not to say it's always easy.  Trust me, if it's a day that will be hard I take every alley I can.  My stimulator runs 24/7, pain medicine and patch or cream.  

The lateral epicondylitis: After 4 months of OT I was very impatient with it and sought advice from an orthopedic in January.   He confirmed what we already knew.  No arthritis, just a bone spur on the elbow.  Good old tennis elbow.  Takes time, he says.  Yep, I've heard.  Funny thing is about two weeks after I saw him I started getting some relief with it.  I was so glad to get a break from the brace.  I left it off and when ever it started bothering me I'd put it back on.  I saw my OT on Friday and we did a review and release consult after my treatment.  She was great. Always encouraging me that it would get better.  It's not completely gone.  I'm still doing the stretches and careful not to over do it.  I'd say it's 80% better.  

The mean Fibromyalgia: This goes hand in hand with my weight control.  Shortly after I started the medication my rheumatologist started me on I reached a plateau.  I've been up and down by 2 pounds since December.  I can't seem to reach my goal weight for nothing.  It's ok though.  I'm happy I'm controlling the side effects of the medications.  If I wasn't still following a plan I promise you I'd have gained at least 10 pounds by now.  I really think I need to increase dose or take additional dose in the morning but I'm so scared of the side effects.  I see my rheumatologist next month so I can wait until then to get his advice on that decision. It can be brutal some days.  What already hurts intensifies, and areas that have never bothered you and have no reasons to hurt can be extremely painful.  

Dr. Oz had a segment on Fibromyalgia this past week.  I wish he would have committed more than 10-15 minutes to it.  He had an audience member who had symptoms come up and a specialist went over the "trigger points" that are very tender to someone dealing with FM as opposed to someone who isn't.  Why are they important?  Because so many women and men are written of as having some other diagnosis because it is very hard determine if you have FM or not.  For instance, most patients experience fatigue.  Fatigue for long periods of time for some patients.  That is a symptom of a lot of ailments.  It could be from any number of things.  Headaches are another example.  I could name more.  He made a point that made me feel better about something.  He said, some women are actually relieved to get the diagnosis because then they know that people don't think they are crazy.  There actually is something wrong.  I felt a little that way.  So many of my doctors said it was just a stem of my back pain.  I knew better.  I'd done to much research on my own about the illness.  I actually agreed when my rheumatologist started mentioning it.  When he officially put it down as my diagnosis it was disturbing none the less and a relief to know at the same time.

It's Sunday morning, raining and I don't have a place that is not hurting.  Every area is tender to touch.   I can remember seeing the commercial years ago for FM thinking how can that be?  Surely they can figure out what is causing it. 

When I was still working we had several patients diagnosed with FM and I was particularly close with one.  The last two years I was there I couldn't believe the change I saw in her.  Before I knew it she changed before my eyes.  Looking much older and frail, I had so much empathy for her in my heart knowing the "ideas" people have when you tell them what's wrong.  Including my own employer.  I believe she was fighting it years, before knowing what was going on for sure.   That was different for me.  I started out with the attitude that no one but my family needs to know about what they "think" I have.  I will however do everything I am supposed to do to keep yourself going.  Exercise, watching my weight, keeping my bi annual appointments with my rheumatologist.  A lot of people who aren't getting the answers they need stop seeking treatment.  I stuck with him even though for 4-5 years he had no for sure answers for me but he always had plenty information.  Ideas and suggestions for supplements.  He is my favorite of all my doctors, and I have plenty! 

Which brings me to....
My weight:  I just said it to my husband this am.  What is worse, to tough out the pain or gain a little weight? As much as I'm hurting this morning I'm really scared of the weight gain.  It's already put 20 pounds on me once before.   I've continued to follow my WW's program.  My husband and daughter both will tell you that I don't play around with something I pay for.  I'm not going to "estimate" or say to myself, well I've eaten good the last few days so it won't hurt to eat out and guess at it.  I'm sort of OCD about it.  If I can't figure out the points or it's not a chain in the app to know the points I'm going to pass.  With all that said my point is the medication is trying to win.  I'm on a low dose and feel like I could really use a stronger one.   He wrote for BID (two times a day) so I'd have if I needed it.  Hopeful though that a nighttime dose could keep me comfortable.  Most of the time it does.   I'd say out of a month I might do an am dose 5 times.  Today was a day I needed that.  I'm actually waiting for it to kick in right now.  

When I started the FM medication I was two pounds away from my goal weight.  There is no doubt I'd have hit it for sure.  It's been a struggle though.  It constantly fluctuates between 2-3 numbers but never have I dipped past that number I was at when starting the medication.  I've hit it again a few times but mostly stay 2 to 3 pounds above that.  There is no doubt if I wouldn't continue to follow a plan I'd quickly gain enough to not fit any of my clothes.  I've always worried about controlling my weight because of my back pain and the challenge of exercising.  

My Stimulator:  Even though I've been frustrated with my coverage and my lack of support ( I feel ) from my St. Jude rep who I've loved and bragged about many times, I seem to always have it on and thankful to have it.   I don't know if he is just so busy now he can't keep up with his number of patients requests.  My last time reaching him it was quite disturbing waiting to hear back from him.  He's told me in the past, "bug me".  Well, I did.  On the day we were supposed to meet he set me up with someone else because something came up for him.  I've seen her before but not for adjustments.  She was with him for several of my visits because she was training.  We did ok with our meet, but I ran into a problem a couple of days later.  I text and called her.  Guess when I got a return call?  Four days later.  I had figured it out on my own by then, thank goodness.  My stimulator was not making connection with the battery.  I've experienced this before.  One of the reasons I had to have the reposition surgery last year. By the time I heard back from her it was just so disappointing that she even called at that point.  Like it was ok?  Her message gave a reason why I it took so long and it was not even a good reason.  I have to get over it because her and Mr. R are my only options for adjustments.  I'm at their mercy. 

To let you know how much I'm using it reflects in how often I'm needing to charge now  I charged my batter yesterday and it had only been two weeks.  It took 2 hours and 10 minutes.  I used to go a month. sometime longer before charging and at most it was an hour.   I've had it running 24/7 the last few months in this awful damp cold we've had.  I've found if I turn down pretty low and leave running I seem to not be as uncomfortable when moving around in my sleep.  I have 13 programs right now and can only use 2.  I'm thankful for them, but even they could use tweaking.  To have at the level I need I get the zaps into my side and stomach.  I  will soon just bite the bullet and reach out to Mr. R again.  I need to do it before I loose placement with the 2 I have because it could be days before I get something set up with him.  

Dallas:  He has started a medication to help reduce swelling of the tumor in his bladder.  He has good and bad days.  Some days except for his bleeding you wouldn't think anything was wrong.  Some days he is just so lazy and laying around looking pitiful.  Our vet said at some point we will need to put him on some pain medication.  He's still up for his afternoon walk and eating all of his food every evening and she said that is a really good sign.  We are very hopeful that this medication will shrink the tumor enough to keep him comfortable and still active a little longer.  

Sweet AJ and P:  Things are going great for them.  AJ nursing well and P is such a great big brother.  Always checking and asking questions about his "baby sister".  B had two week pictures of her and they are absolutely beautiful.  Can't wait to share, but I have to wait until B sends out her announcements.  They are on their way.  She did share one of P and AJ together so I can share that one with you.  

Makes my heart melt <3

If you are on WW's and always looking for a low point snack like me I'll share a couple I've been having.  I have discovered Wasa multigrain crispbread.  They are only 1 point a piece and I pile on a wedge of laughing cow cheese, also 1 point.  It is a filling snack.  Have a piece of fruit with it and a full glass of water and I promise you it will help curve your appetite until your next meal.  

Wasa crispbread with laughing cow cheese

After my medicine kicked in and I felt a little better this morning I decided to use up my over ripe bananas.   I usually make breakfast muffins with them.  This recipe was a 3 ingredient and I followed exactly.  I already know a few changes I willtry next time.  So simple and  15 minutes from start to oven.  If you are on weight watchers they are 1 point a piece.  I'll probably eat 3 with some fruit.  A good way for me to get some oatmeal because I do not like it in bowl.   I used a measuring tablespoon to make sure I made 16 which is what recipe called for it to make.  That's not as important if your not following WW's.  If you are it is because the points will not be correct if you add anything or make quantity different serving size.  If you want to make them head on over to Skinnytaste.com to get complete directions.  They are called "Healthy cookies"  1 cup of Quick oats, 2 ripe bananas and 1/4 cup of walnuts.  I really like blueberries with oatmeal but these are small so fruit really doesn't do to well.  I'm anxious to finish these and use cranberries or mini chocolate chips next.  

Healthy cookies

Another of my favorites is a pizza on flat bread or a bread that is called flatout fold it.  I love the Rosemary & Olive Oil flavor.  They can be hard to find sometime.  Great for hamburgers or chicken sandwich too.  It is made by same company as the flat out.  Each kind is 2 points but the tortilla I used is only 1pt.  I mentioned it in an earlier post.  I use it to make a wrap sandwich and also toast to crisp and cut into strips to dip in my soup or chili.  Today it worked awesome for my pizza since I was out of the flatout flat bread.  

7 point pizza

You know what I love about making my own pizza?  You can put a lot of 0 point items you like on there to make it yummy.  I used Paul Newman marinara Sauce 1 pt , turkey pepperonis (serving size) 2 pts, mozzarella chesse (serving size) 2 points and the tortilla is 1pt.  It is even better with the flatout flat bread because it's a little thicker and more filling. It also makes the pizza 8 pts vs 7 because bread is 2 pts not 1.  My extras were onions, bell pepper and banana peppers.  So tasty.  

For the first time in I don't know when I don't have any doctor or therapy appointments this coming week.  I won't know what to do with myself.  Really I'll be caring for Dallas.  He's becoming a handful right now.  

I've enjoyed watching the Olympics.  D and I've enjoyed watching together.  They're aren't many shows we watch together.   A few shows that D and I watch together will start coming on again this week so we're looking forward to that. 

Good night everyone.  Have a nice peaceful and pain free week.
Filled with H.O.P. E. (hold on pain ends)
Theresa

A time for reflection

It's been an absolute amazing week.  Despite my aches and complaints D and I have throughly enjoyed this beach trip.  We're at a new place this time.  It's always nerve racking when you go to a new place you've never been until you see for yourself.  I'm a review reader, but you can't always believe everything you read.  Good or bad.

We had a safe trip here.  After checking in we got our grocery shopping done.  How convenient, a Sam's and a Wal Mart right next to each other just like at home.  It never fails, we over buy or under buy scared we'll have to much and have to find room to tote it home.

Not this time.  Perfect planning my friends.  Over supper we agreed that we shopped perfectly.  We have breakfast and lunch for tomorrow which is exactly what we need.

There is a beautiful view of the bay here.  Right on the docks a lovely place for grilling outside.  We had steaks on Tuesday night.  Nothing like cooking outdoors and watching the sunset.  Last night we went out to dinner and had another fabulous view while enjoying supper.  There were ducks everywhere right outside the window of our table.  We also enjoyed watching the sun set again for a second night.

We had a safe trip here.  After checking in we got our grocery shopping done.  How convenient, a Sam's and a Wal Mart right next to each other just like at home.  It never fails, we over buy or under buy scared we'll have to much and have to find room to tote it home.

Not this time.  Perfect planning my friends.  Over supper we agreed that we shopped perfectly.  We have breakfast and lunch for tomorrow which is exactly what we need.

D grilling supper

Sunset at resort

There is a beautiful view of the bay here.  Right on the docks a lovely place for grilling outside.  We had steaks on Tuesday night.  Nothing like cooking outdoors and watching the sunset.  Last night we went out to dinner and had another fabulous view while enjoying supper.  There were ducks everywhere right outside the window of our table.  We also enjoyed watching the sun set again for a second night.

Our normal little ritual is to hit the beach around 9-9:30.  Around 1-1:30 we come back and have lunch then back around 3.  After that we just stay based on our evening plans or what our stomachs decide for us.  Mainly me, I have to pack several small healthy snacks to make it through the morning and the afternoon.  D can go all day with a hearty breakfast.  Today we were especially enjoying the evening and ended up staying until sunset.  With a decent crowd during the day, leaving with just a hand full of people left.   3 days in row enjoying daylight end.   Now we could watch the sunset at home.  I can't tell you the last time we just stopped and watched the sun go down together.  

To the East @ 5:50

To the West @ 5:50, amazing difference

I've done well with my eating choices.  I really don't like saying "my diet" because I really mean eating right again.  My WW's tracker has been nagging me since Wednesday to enter in my weight.  Ha, I left the scale at home.  It will have to wait.  I know I've done ok though.  On Tuesday I was splurging since it was the end of the WW's week for me and I had plenty bonus points and all my activity points left.   It's been a relaxing busy so for me it reduces my temptations. 

I've walked 5 days in a row on the beach and plan to make it tomorrow morning also.  I wish I could do it in the morning at home.  Not as painful and I like that it's over and done. This couldn't be possible without my stimulator.   D has walked with me every other day.  Nothing like having your spouse sweat it out with you!  I had to be mindful of not swinging my left arm back and forth.  Except for swimming I never manage any type of exercise 5 days in a row.  
Another reason I'm feeling positive about step on the scale when I return home. 
They actually have a heated pool here but we've spent 85% of our time at the beach. 

On my mornings walks alone I've had a lot of time for reflection and soul searching.  There are many things going on in my life right now and my choices are crucial.  In the beauty of walking the beach, things just don't seem quite so bad.  Somethings need to be dealt with and some need to just be let go....and let GOD.  

They really aren't concerned they are in your way!

I've had a couple of good days with my arm and a couple of not so good.   I've also had a really bad one that went into the night.  It kept me awake most of it.  A sharp dull pain deep in my elbow.   Bursitis stinks!  Thank goodness it finally calmed down.  Beats me what caused it to "flare" the way it did.  I've followed all my OT's instructions, including stretches and wearing both braces at all possible times.  ( I have pictures to prove it )  I don't think I'm going back next Tuesday with my arm any better, but hopefully with a better attitude.   One can only deal with so much.  

4:30 today

D and I went to the outlet mall in Destin yesterday.  He had several things on his shopping list.  He got them all but one I might add.  I met a lady in one of the shops that asked about my braces.  She had a feeling because she'd been there, done that.  After 3 years she had surgery to repair and she said she was so glad she did.  It was simple and easy and changed her life.  Oh, to hear those words.  What I longed the outcome of my back surgery to be.  Again with my stimulator surgery.  Hearing her say that made my stomach churn because I pray that's not what my injury comes down to.  I have a bad taste in my mouth for any kind of surgery.  

I've had fun writing notes to my grandkids, friends and husband in the sand.  I have a friend really having a hard time right now.  I know the place she is in.  It's no fun.  When I was really struggling last year she text me almost every other day.  Just hello, or I'm here.  It meant so much and some time I couldn't even respond.  One day she just told me, "I'm coming over there."  "What do you want for lunch?"  Despite my saying "I'm not up to it"  She came.  It's time for me to do the same.  I don't like what I'm hearing, or not hearing back.  However, I did get a response from my picture and for that I felt hopeful. 

I sure miss my babies 

For D, right after I took first one I caught wave coming on the second

 

I hope this made her smile

All good things must come to an end.  I really want to just stay here.  With little to do and no stress at all I have felt better than I have in some time.  My husband would probably not agree but he doesn't understand "pain" vs "PAIN"  lol  God Bless him.   We have a lot to look forward to when returning home.  My grandson's birthday party is coming up.  Thanksgiving, our Anniversary, D's bd, my Moms 70th bd, D's moms bd, Christmas and then.......grandchild number 3.  That dear readers, is the best wait of all.  A new life begins.  A new chapter for Nonna.  My daughter and her husband love their son so much.  I'm just so excited for my daughter to have a daughter of her own.  I think maybe just maybe when she arrives I will try and stop referring to A and P as my "babies".

 I used to tell her when she was little that when she grew up and had children I hope she had a little girl who was just like her.   Now you can take that how you want it.  It was meant "both" ways!  I love both my children the same.  No doubt.  But, a mothers love for her daughter is just different.  Especially when she only has one.  A bond no one can break or come between.  Her and I have been through a lot together.  Things that would surprise you.  I'll just say we both have endured an equal hardship that cuts deep.  We're better mothers, daughters and spouses because we survived.  It's not how I want the bond with her daughter to form but it is the "kind" of bond I want them to have.  

Have FAITH, have HOPE (hold on pain ends),
Theresa

Hold On Pain Ends <3

Beautiful as usual

More improvement

I'm happy to report that things are still going great since my last post.  I think there have been two days that I wasn't able to be in the pool even if just for a short time.  Some days I over do because I forget and think I'm superwoman in there and pay for it after.  It's still a good thing.  My back is getting stronger and stronger. I can actually tell.  I do all the things they taught me at Aquatic Therapy and then I swim laps.  I'm back riding my recumbent bike occasionally too.  I greatly prefer swimming over riding especially since I can't swim during winter months and the bike is aways available.   It's also fun to just get in and relax.  I had another friend over this past week.  Perfect timing for a mother whose daughter just got married, teaching done until August and she's had some traveling to do during this wedding planning.   She said what I always say, "I'm gonna be waterlogged".   We got in around 10:30 and got out for lunch around 1.  We made a scrumptious salad and went back in.  It was after 4 before we knew it.  

I've been able to cut back once again on my pain meds and making it until late morning before I even need to turn on my stimulator.  I don't stall because it doesn't help but because if I'm ok without it  I can tolerate the length of stimulation longer.  Sometime late at night you just get to the point that you can't stand it a minute longer.  It can actually feel a relief for a short time when you first turned it off.  

Speaking of the stimulator, I finally took the time to charge my battery.  It was replaced on May 8th and I didn't charge for the first time until June 6th.  Big mistake.  It still had half life left but to my surprise it took two hours to charge.  I'll never let it get that low again.  The longest its ever taken me is one hour.  It's much easier to take time more often and charge less time.  I believe based on this experience I could go up to two months if I wanted without charging but I'd never let it get that low or want to chance having to charge that long. 

I'm an example of never giving up.  So many times I've thought I was having another procedure for no reason.  I've been knocking on the wood of our deck that things are finally working like they are supposed to.  I pray in continues.  I'm sure Mr. R is surprised he hasn't heard from me.   It's soooo nice not to feel my battery tugging and pulling the way it was. 

My hives seemed to be controlled again.   Every few days and they always come in clusters.  The days seem to be farther apart though.  I'm counting on getting back to that "remission" I was in some 6 months or so ago.  

You know I can't wrap this up without a picture or two of my lovely grandchildren.  My boy P had to go for a follow up appointment with the eye doctor last Tuesday. Unfortunately he  needed glasses.  An astigmatism in both eyes.  Poor baby.  Handsome as ever though.  He's tolerating as well as can be expected for a child with sensory issues.

And A made a surprise visit on Saturday evening.  Her mom got a ticket to the LSU BB game at the last minute.  So she made the almost 2 hour drive here to bring A to visit and get to the game just in time.   My husband and I had plans to go to dinner and decided to keep them.  A is a well behaved girl and I knew she'd love going out to eat.  They had a band playing and she loved the music.  She absolutely entertained us through out our entire meal.  Including dancing.  She was not embarrassed at one bit.  

outside Superior Grill

A and Poppa as we were leaving

When we left this particular restaurant that was just a few blocks from our "old home".  We didn't tell A we were going to pass by.  We turned on the entrance street and she commented that this is where Nonna and Poppa used to live.  Amazed she remembers that and we hadn't even turned onto street we lived on.

Now you know I love Dollar Tree.  Every time I go there for only one thing I walk out with ten. I honestly need, not want, them all.  These little treasures look cute on my fence by the pool.  I plan to go to another because the one by me is very small and I'd like to see if they have some others to choose from.  I only picked up three and once I placed them along fence I think a few more would look great.

Metal sunshines for the fence along side of pool.

Old Family Phone

My mom sent me a picture of this phone today and asked if I wanted.  If she really does give it up I'd like to save to show my great grand kinds.  This was the the first telephone I ever used.  And yes, it was used right there where it hung on the wall.  Not in the bedroom or any place private.   That phone stated there for many many years.  I didn't know it was still around.  At some point they got a push button phone but I may have been gone by then?


One of my followers "Janet" is at one week from her SCS implant.  Sounds like she is doing well.  But like myself worries that others think she should be running a marathon by now.  If you've been through ANY type of surgery your body needs rest after no matter what.  Agree you need to move as soon as doctor says so but that doesn't mean cooking and cleaning house.  It means getting out of the bed and moving around.  Take care Janet and keep updating me.  I'm praying for a huge success for you and hope our other "pain" friends are too.  By the way, what type of stimulator do you have?


God Bless, still living with H.O.P.E.
Theresa

               Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outward we are wasting away ,yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and monetary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
                   2 Corinthians 4;16-18

The wedding

Friday morning I spend most of the morning in the pool.  I swam laps and did the PT exercises they always had me do when I was in aquatic therapy.  I just thought I was wonder woman.  I kept telling myself take it easy....feels good now but you don't know how you'll feel when you get out.  I also planned to attend a wedding of a close friends daughter.  I wanted to feel best possible for that.  Around noon I got out had lunch then went to run a couple of errands.   As the afternoon became evening for the first time in a while I was actually looking forward to dressing up and going out.  Some of this was because I was feeling better than I have for some time.

Of course I had to check in with my fashion coordinator a few times.  Shoes ok?  Jewelry work?  Before I knew it, it was time to leave and I didn't want to carry the "big" bag I'm toting right now.  It's big, but empty.  I grabbed a small black bag and took off to meet my daughter.  5;30 on a Friday afternoon heading the way all traffic is heading.  I should have checked with my daughter on the best way to go.  When I got on the last turn to get to the major highway that her house is off of I had to follow an ice truck all the way.  Point? I was late.  Like many times before I got to hear my sassy daughter call me a "slacker". :-) ........I'm laughing about it.

My daughter and I made it on time before the start of ceremony.  Barely, but we made it.  It was very nice.  Her daughter was stunning and seemed so relaxed.  I look back at my wedding pictures often and I look petrified.  One of my favorite shots is of me with my maid of honor and matron of honor.  My longest best friend and of course my daughter.  They look wonderful.  I look like someone has a pistol in my back.  We rarely get to visit just her and I.  We had to stop ourself from chatting durning the ceremony.   Here is my friend with her two handsome sons.  They both look just like their father and her daughter has all her features.

My friend escorted my her sons

The bride with her father

 Her bridesmaid dresses were a nude/champagne color.  I hope I'm getting that right.  A certain way the light gleamed on the grooms men during mass their ties had a hint of pink.
B and I headed to the reception hall to wait for the bride and groom to arrive.  We met some people and my daughter actually had a couple of people she knew from school.  The food was great and we enjoyed the music too!  We really had a great time.  We enjoyed getting to talk and just kick back with no time limit or sneaking in a sentence or two in between P's stories!  My daughter is a fun, funny and truthful person.  I enjoyed the wedding and her company equally. 

My friend managed to get around to our table a couple of times.  We grabbed a picture together but the lighting was pretty dim.  I enjoyed catching up with her family members I knew and watching her and her husband dance.  They remind me of my parents and my husbands parents so much with their love of dancing.  

A few last pictures I want to share.  One is the bride dancing with some small children and it was the song where they say, "low, low, low"  Explaining that in case you are wondering what they are doing.  What i love about the picture is how the lights made her dress look.  The lights just gleamed off her dress.  The other is of my daughter, and many others in a line dance.  

It took me hours to get to sleep when I got home.  Between my husband not being home and coming in from such excitement and fun it took me a good while to relax, calm and sleepy.
Honestly all the nights until he came home today have been that way.  Here I am tonight up late again and I can't use him not being here as an excuse tonight.

Saturday I was in pool from 10-11:30.  Then later with a friend from 1-5.  We couldn't believe how quickly the time went by.  As I keep saying I feel great when I'm in the pool but I continue to be sorry later.  In the long run I still think it is helping me.  I can't stretch that way at all out of the pool.  The weather has been so nice this past week end.  I'm looking forward to having a full summer of using it for the purpose of therapy.  I'm so sore tonight.  

My husband made it home pretty early today and he spent the afternoon with me relaxing and swimming.  I talked him into doing some of my PT exercises because he doesn't really know the real value in them.  It didn't take much time of doing 3 different ones to agreeing that they do give you a great work out!  My friend had attested to that the day before.  She didn't get hassled by me to do them she just wanted to.  We jogged around a few times and she said her legs and butt hurt!

So enough about my week end.  I told my husband this evening while we were floating around in the pool that for the first time in a countless number of procedures I feel like there was some success.  And yes, I knocked on the wood of the deck.  My husband is impressed himself with the placement of the battery.  He knows how it felt before.  He can't even feel this one.  Only the incision.  I think a combination of several things contributed to the best few days I've had in some time.  Laughter, the pool, stretching, a few mojitos throughout the week end and last but not least my battery site getting better.  

Speaking of battery, (IPG) I planned to charge tonight and when I checked expecting it to be very low it is still not even half way.  It will be four weeks this Wednesday so I'm very impressed.  They really had me worried about the time span of the battery.  Mr. R said to be prepared to have to charge more often.  I won't let it get to low but I talked my self out of it tonight.  

I found a great article regarding pain management and stretching do's and don'ts for people with back pain.  Chronic pain readers don't give up on me.  I plan to get back to that and share some information.  Have an awesome week followers.

Believing in H.O.P.E. (hold on pain ends)
Theresa

News

This past week has been a week of so many feelings good and bad.
Scared and relieved. My last post was 7 days ago.  That night for some reason I had a melt down.  When it came time to go to bed I couldn't stop thinking about my son.  Why do I continue to put myself through this?  Why?  Because no matter what he's done or doing now I still love him. He needs to know that. I was so upset I had to text my daughter.  I couldn't get it out of my mind that I should be doing something more.  So we just wait around for some bad news? Her and I went back and forth.  I don't remember how it ended but I had kept her up long enough.  She had work the next day.

I still couldn't get myself in control and go to sleep.  I decided to text a number of a past co-worker whose number I've seen on the cell phone bill. I hadn't heard anything from him but he had promised to let me know if he had from my son and it seemed he chose not to do so according to phone records. So I text asking if he'd heard from him and let him know how much it was effecting me and the rest of my family.  I was not sleeping and starting to have trouble controlling my emotions at any given time.  30 minutes later he text back and said, "Yea, he said he talked to his grandma." I had a few more questions since I got a response. I wanted to know if he'd asked him any questions, like did he say why he is ignoring all of us, was he ok? I got a "NO"


I wasn't satisfied with just a "no".  Give me more please. I asked a few more questions and he replied back and said that he'd seen him 2 weeks earlier and he seemed fine but didn't give any reason why he'd disappeared or anything.  He said he did tell him how worried I was and that I should get some sleep and not worry so much I'm sure he's fine.  So I let it go with that.  Someone had seen him recently and reading between the lines made me feel like he knew more than he was telling me.

The next day (Monday) I received a call from a Corporal Jones and he had found him sleeping in his car in a supermarket parking lot.  He said he looked tired and wasn't clean shaven but it seemed by the look of his clothes he'd been going some where now and then to shower. Depression was obvious but through questioning him believed he was not considering any harm to himself or anyone else. (this would be the only way he could bring him in for help) He didn't see any signs of drugs or anything to give him reason to search his car.  He asked him if he knew his family was looking for him and we were all concerned.  The officer said he only got brief yes and no answers. He encouraged him to call or at least text me and when he walked away from car he saw him pick up his phone.  The officer wanted to know if I'd heard from him and I told him no.  I still have not as of today.

Since Monday I've tried to convince myself I've done everything possible to help him or lead him to help.  My daughter has since received a very long text from him that was pretty sad and depressing.  No words of a plan or when he will come to his senses and call his daughter.  He claims he can't face or talk to anyone right now.  That makes me really sad but even if I go out and search for him I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.  Everything was hard to swallow.  I was still full of so many questions.  Thank goodness I had an appointment coming up with my therapist on Friday.

She was stern with me.  Asked if I was satisfied enough now that I knew he was alive to go own with my life? To stop putting so much energy into fixing his life when he didn't want his life fixed?  She said if I put half of the energy in myself that I give to him I'd be surprised how much better I'd feel. If I feel better emotionally, I can deal with my back pain better. I also mentioned to her it wasn't just me, I wanted him better for my granddaughter and her mom.  My therapist was right back at me with "your still trying to control everyone's life"  "Just take care of you"  I know I make it sound like she's mean but she's not.  She's been working with me for a year.  Dealing with both issues.  Helping me to get though being depressed over having to deal with pain EVERY day.  Getting up every day and wondering what will my grown son call me about today?  It's been an on going thing for several years.  Always in need of help somehow and never his fault.  He's always the VICTIM! She was however more than thrilled when I told her of my outing with friends and husband.  Good for you she told me, please treat yourself to that more often.

The rest of the week I ended my day with a prayer for him and started my day with a prayer for him.  The difference ( I'd been doing this for some time) is my prayer was different now.  I know what he needs and I can't give it to him nor does he want it right now.  I am determined to focus on things I can control. Like the great time I wanted to have with my granddaughter and a plan for her to get to see her cousin P and her aunt and uncle who love her dearly also. 

I'm still struggling with that burning feeling around my battery.
It seems to be getting worse than better.  I have two more weeks before the appointment with Dr. who did surgery.  I had the unfortunate experience of multiple stalls on the ride to meet A's mom Friday evening.  On the way there not long after crossing the bridge in Baton Rouge I hit a dead stand still.  25 minutes of no moving.  When we did start moving I never saw anything to be the cause of this mess.  On the east side all the way from construction in town until miles and miles over the bridge and past 415 (Lobdell) it was backed up bumper to bumper.  Oh my, I was praying we'd miss that on the way back.

I left my house @ 3:15. I made it to our meeting point (Breaux Bridge)@ 4:45. We went inside and stretched a minute and used the ladies room.  Took off again shortly after 5pm and didn't make it home until 7:20. We ran into same delay coming home except a lot longer wait.  When we finally made it to 415 we headed to 190 and took Huey Long bridge to get home.  I'm positive even though that was out of the way by the time we got home we'd still have been sitting waiting to cross the new bridge. A informed me while we were sitting in the back up that her "butt hurt Nonna". Her ride was equal to mine being it took them the same amount of time to reach our meeting point.  I told her I understood mine did too and so did Nonna's back. I can tell you it was worth it even though yesterday I really paid for it and still really uncomfortable today.  I think today is due to the rain coming in this afternoon. 

My dear sweet mother informed me she wasn't to fond of my changes in the colors of blog.  She said she found it hard to read things on the side bar.  I made some adjustments after that and hope it's easier now.  If not, you all let me know and I'll just go right back to the previous layout.  Just thought a change would be nice.  Thank you to everyone for their prayers and continued support. I can't tell you what it means to me to know your there if I need you.  I have the greatest friends ever.

Of course these two bring me great joy when I'm with them.

 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27