Scared and relieved. My last post was 7 days ago. That night for some reason I had a melt down. When it came time to go to bed I couldn't stop thinking about my son. Why do I continue to put myself through this? Why? Because no matter what he's done or doing now I still love him. He needs to know that. I was so upset I had to text my daughter. I couldn't get it out of my mind that I should be doing something more. So we just wait around for some bad news? Her and I went back and forth. I don't remember how it ended but I had kept her up long enough. She had work the next day.
I still couldn't get myself in control and go to sleep. I decided to text a number of a past co-worker whose number I've seen on the cell phone bill. I hadn't heard anything from him but he had promised to let me know if he had from my son and it seemed he chose not to do so according to phone records. So I text asking if he'd heard from him and let him know how much it was effecting me and the rest of my family. I was not sleeping and starting to have trouble controlling my emotions at any given time. 30 minutes later he text back and said, "Yea, he said he talked to his grandma." I had a few more questions since I got a response. I wanted to know if he'd asked him any questions, like did he say why he is ignoring all of us, was he ok? I got a "NO"
I wasn't satisfied with just a "no". Give me more please. I asked a few more questions and he replied back and said that he'd seen him 2 weeks earlier and he seemed fine but didn't give any reason why he'd disappeared or anything. He said he did tell him how worried I was and that I should get some sleep and not worry so much I'm sure he's fine. So I let it go with that. Someone had seen him recently and reading between the lines made me feel like he knew more than he was telling me.
The next day (Monday) I received a call from a Corporal Jones and he had found him sleeping in his car in a supermarket parking lot. He said he looked tired and wasn't clean shaven but it seemed by the look of his clothes he'd been going some where now and then to shower. Depression was obvious but through questioning him believed he was not considering any harm to himself or anyone else. (this would be the only way he could bring him in for help) He didn't see any signs of drugs or anything to give him reason to search his car. He asked him if he knew his family was looking for him and we were all concerned. The officer said he only got brief yes and no answers. He encouraged him to call or at least text me and when he walked away from car he saw him pick up his phone. The officer wanted to know if I'd heard from him and I told him no. I still have not as of today.
Since Monday I've tried to convince myself I've done everything possible to help him or lead him to help. My daughter has since received a very long text from him that was pretty sad and depressing. No words of a plan or when he will come to his senses and call his daughter. He claims he can't face or talk to anyone right now. That makes me really sad but even if I go out and search for him I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. Everything was hard to swallow. I was still full of so many questions. Thank goodness I had an appointment coming up with my therapist on Friday.
She was stern with me. Asked if I was satisfied enough now that I knew he was alive to go own with my life? To stop putting so much energy into fixing his life when he didn't want his life fixed? She said if I put half of the energy in myself that I give to him I'd be surprised how much better I'd feel. If I feel better emotionally, I can deal with my back pain better. I also mentioned to her it wasn't just me, I wanted him better for my granddaughter and her mom. My therapist was right back at me with "your still trying to control everyone's life" "Just take care of you" I know I make it sound like she's mean but she's not. She's been working with me for a year. Dealing with both issues. Helping me to get though being depressed over having to deal with pain EVERY day. Getting up every day and wondering what will my grown son call me about today? It's been an on going thing for several years. Always in need of help somehow and never his fault. He's always the VICTIM! She was however more than thrilled when I told her of my outing with friends and husband. Good for you she told me, please treat yourself to that more often.
The rest of the week I ended my day with a prayer for him and started my day with a prayer for him. The difference ( I'd been doing this for some time) is my prayer was different now. I know what he needs and I can't give it to him nor does he want it right now. I am determined to focus on things I can control. Like the great time I wanted to have with my granddaughter and a plan for her to get to see her cousin P and her aunt and uncle who love her dearly also.
I'm still struggling with that burning feeling around my battery.
It seems to be getting worse than better. I have two more weeks before the appointment with Dr. who did surgery. I had the unfortunate experience of multiple stalls on the ride to meet A's mom Friday evening. On the way there not long after crossing the bridge in Baton Rouge I hit a dead stand still. 25 minutes of no moving. When we did start moving I never saw anything to be the cause of this mess. On the east side all the way from construction in town until miles and miles over the bridge and past 415 (Lobdell) it was backed up bumper to bumper. Oh my, I was praying we'd miss that on the way back.
I left my house @ 3:15. I made it to our meeting point (Breaux Bridge)@ 4:45. We went inside and stretched a minute and used the ladies room. Took off again shortly after 5pm and didn't make it home until 7:20. We ran into same delay coming home except a lot longer wait. When we finally made it to 415 we headed to 190 and took Huey Long bridge to get home. I'm positive even though that was out of the way by the time we got home we'd still have been sitting waiting to cross the new bridge. A informed me while we were sitting in the back up that her "butt hurt Nonna". Her ride was equal to mine being it took them the same amount of time to reach our meeting point. I told her I understood mine did too and so did Nonna's back. I can tell you it was worth it even though yesterday I really paid for it and still really uncomfortable today. I think today is due to the rain coming in this afternoon.
My dear sweet mother informed me she wasn't to fond of my changes in the colors of blog. She said she found it hard to read things on the side bar. I made some adjustments after that and hope it's easier now. If not, you all let me know and I'll just go right back to the previous layout. Just thought a change would be nice. Thank you to everyone for their prayers and continued support. I can't tell you what it means to me to know your there if I need you. I have the greatest friends ever.
Of course these two bring me great joy when I'm with them.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
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