Super Bowl Sunday

The Super Bowl doesn't mean anything to me but I figure their are plenty of my readers that it means a lot to so why not mention it somewhere.  I figured the title was the best honor.  I started writing @ half time lets see if I can finish before it's over.  

I jinxed myself by mentioning my hives in my last post.  Two days after that I had one on the back of my leg and yesterday one on the inside of my thigh.  No clusters thank goodness just the one in each location.  Maybe I was wrong about the anxiety.  Along with those little villains my chest pain and trouble breathing has been hanging around for the last week.

Aren't friends just the greatest thing to have in your life?  Even though I've been keeping to my self it seems every day I get a voice mail, text or email from one of the many I have.  So one of these dear friends, who is aware I'm hiding away as much as I can, left me a voice mail on Friday when I was away from my phone. She wanted D and I to go to dinner with her and her husband.  She mentioned she was contacting another friend and her husband to join us.  The three of us used to work together years ago.  We also have children the same age.  My husband had already planned to get me out of the house and make a trip to Whole Foods.  We used to live near one and went regular.  I told her I'd check with D and text her back.

Of course my husband was all for going.  He loves to go out to dinner.  Even before my back problems it wasn't on the top of my list of outings.  I would love to have gotten out of it but I knew I owed it to my husband and my friends.  My therapist has been urging me to get out more not just for myself but for my husband also.  If it's not my back it's this dark cloud weighing down over my head of worry for my son.  I try really hard to keep my little "break downs" private.  The bathroom, in the car leaving, or after he is sleeping.  I know it's important to find some joy in my life.  I'm doing better but when it's quite and I have time to think about it my emotions take control.  I picture ever kind of situation he may be in.

I knew her intent was to get me talking and laughing so this heavy dark cloud hanging over my head would be lighter for a short time. It worked.  We definitely did some laughing.  Enjoyed some good food,  talked about the "good ol days" and of course our grandchildren.  My friend and her husband who initiated the outing came to our house after and we continued to talk.  We purposely avoided discussing my son.  She had mentioned on the phone to me before we left that she really wanted me to just enjoy myself and not feel bad about it.  This night was to be joyful, not sad.

By no means do I want to make it sound like she wasn't interested in lending an ear.  She's done that for hours over the past few months.  Even before he just vanished and especially after.  Offering to go out looking with me, for her and her husband to go if I couldn't handle it,  she's text him herself and so has her daughter.  

Here we are together at a wedding

Sometime I'll just see a flash before me like God is reminding me my child is in trouble....do something.  I just don't know what to do.  When I think about it to much I feel like a terrible parent just waiting around to see how everything turns out.  It doesn't feel right to be doing nothing to find or help him. How long do I wait?

All I know to do is continue to pray it has a good ending because if it doesn't I'm not sure this pain in my heart will go away.  I talked to the detective for the second time on Friday night.  She had nothing new to tell me.  I'm sure it wasn't that way but I felt like I was just another caller and she really didn't care at all.  She assured me I'd be the first to contact if  anything develops.  I was so angry in the beginning for making us all worry.  Causing his daughter to wonder why her daddy is not calling or visiting.  When one week turned into two I became concerned that he hadn't answered any of us.  Then the prayers and "real" concerned hit hard.  He has been furious with me as well as me with him and he's never went more than 3-4 days without texting or calling me.  It's not just me though.  It's our entire family and his sweet innocent daughter that he's not answering to.

We all believed at some point he would need something and we'd get a call.  He's pretty famous for that. Not for this long though.  It's been 4 weeks and 3 days now.  As far as we know he doesn't have a job so I'm not sure how he is surviving.  The feeling won't go away that the texts and calls that my mom sees on the phone bill are possibly not being made by him.  They are few and anytime we call it goes straight to voice mail.  If I'm wrong, great.  The fact remains I don't know for sure.  Last night I was watching an episode of 48 hours and I had to stop.  I started panicking that my situation would turn into theirs.  Weeks into months, months into years.  Please God, don't let it go on that long.  If he'd just talk to one of us so we could get him some help. 

My stimulator still doing ok.  Not where I'd like to be, but better.  When I  have it on it definitely helps but it gets to a point that I can't stand it in the "unwanted" areas.  Sometime it works just to switch to another program.  I'm really glad my appointment with PM doctor is coming up soon.  Like I need a new thing but it is what it is and I need an answer.  My battery site has been having this burning sensation. Almost like it's over heated.   That's not supposed to happen.  You can experience that when charging, but I charged a week ago.  Besides I don't have this particular issue as some do, just some warmth.   This "burning"  has been for 2 days now.  I won't let it go on for to long.  I hope it goes away because I feel like I need to treat the chest pain first.  I had mentioned to Mr. R last week about how sore the battery site continues to be and he said my loosing weight caused me to loose fatty tissue around it so there is no cushion any longer.  You can even see the out line of it. 

Saturday night I had my mind occupied again by the funniest little boy ever.  He's born to make you laugh and he did.  That would be P my handsome little grandson.  We had a great visit, just me and him hanging out doing whatever he wanted to do.  Including putting on A's princess crown.  Goofy Boy!  We even did a face time with cousin A.   My hearts not big enough to hold the love I have for these two <3.

Playing with the tea set and babies

Prince "AKA" Princess P

The "real" princess

Have no fear for what tomorrow may bring, the same loving God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and everyday.  He will either shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace, then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.  Francis de Sales.



7:32 in the 4th Bal 21 and SF 29

A trip to the ER

Wow, I can't believe I'm at 5000 page views in 7 months.  Thank you to all my readers.  Your support has made every day struggles a little easier.  I"m happy you continue to stop by.

On my way home Thursday evening around 4:50 I pulled over on the side of the road and just sat for a few minutes.  Then I called my daughter and she called 911.  I had tried my husband but couldn't reach him.  The ambulance came and B, D and myself were in the ER until 11:45 that night.  Here is what happened.

I was with baby C on Thursday.  I had started taking the medicine the gastroenterologist prescribed the day before.  It seemed to help for a few hours but the chest pains would come back a few hours after each dose.  That particular day I had taken it at 5:30am so I could eat breakfast before leaving. ( your supposed to take one hour before meal on empty stomach)  The morning went well but around 2pm the symptoms started.  I text my husband and told him.  He said it will last longer when you've been taking awhile.  Ok, so what do I do meanwhile?  The more time passed the worse it got.  It's really scary to not be able to seem to catch your breath.  It made me think about my son when he was young with his asthma.  I could hear him trying to breath down the hall into my bedroom.  I realize how difficult it is for people with breathing problems.  I was a day away from it being a week dealing with this.

Baby C's mom was home early and she was worried about me.  She didn't want me to drive. She offered to bring me home.  I assured her I'd be fine.  I told her I've been driving like this for days.  I assured her the medicine would kick in soon and I'd be fine.  I was trying to wait til 5 but I couldn't take chest pain and breathing problems any longer.  I took it around 4:30.  I left and promised her I'd text her when I made it home.  Unfortunately I never made it there.

I called my husband as soon as I got in my car.  I wanted to talk to him on the way home because I was really feeling strange.  Even if I had reached him I could hardly talk because I just couldn't catch my breath to save my live.  A few miles down the road and I started feeling tingling in my fingers and following that it moved up arms to my neck and into my face.  I really thought I was having a heart attack.  It got to the point that I had no control over my fingers and started having trouble holding the steering wheel.  Apparently I was going slow because people were blowing their horn at me.  Within minutes I pulled to side of road and called my daughter.  I don't know what I was thinking.  What could she do for me when she was 20-30 minutes away?  I guess I thought she could tell me what was wrong.  By this time, I now realize, I was hyperventilating.  I couldn't get anything out to tell my daughter.  It took her quite some time to understand where I was.  She called 911 and talked with them until someone came.  

I remember people passing by and just staring at me like I was crazy.  After what seemed like forever a police officer tapped on my window and asked me if everything was ok.  Before I could get out what was going on a nice lady in some sort of uniform who had just got off of work came to the door and took over.  I remember her giving me instructions on what to do and assuring me it was going to be ok help was on the way.  I managed to get across to her about my fingers arms and neck.  She told me until I got my breathing under control it was only going to get worse.  She gave me an oxygen mask but it didn't help.  I wasn't much help by the time the ambulance arrived I couldn't talk at all.  They asked about medications but my daughter wasn't sure about everything.  I managed to reach in my purse and feel around for my list.
  
After that I don't remember much.  I don't remember the ride or getting there.  What I remember first after leaving my car was being in the hall in the hospital and a nurse taking my temp another blood pressure then one came to draw blood.  My husband got there around that time.  My breathing was under control at that point but my entire body was shaking.  D kept grabbing my foot trying to help me.  I put up a fuss about the blood work because I had just been stuck the day before at gastroenterologist office.  She convinced me to do it then left the darn thing suck in there in case they needed it and they did. Then they wanted the sample in the cup.  Not so bad if your legs are working.  I got up to walk and almost fell.  I would have if D wouldn't have been there to catch me.   EKG, Chest x ray everything my GP had ordered on Monday.  Of course they were all negative.  I knew that because they were negative on Monday. 

He wanted one more test and if was negative I could go home.  Cat scan, with and without contrast.  At least they didn't have to stick me again for the contrast one.  It was negative also.  We left the hospital at 11:45.  Thanks to a dear friend and my daughter  my car was already home. They went back and got my car and brought it home for me.  It had been moved to the median, doors unlocked, flashers still on and a sticker on the back saying it will be towed if not moved by.....  it had a date on it.  I don't remember. 

I haven't left my house since then.  Everyday it starts at the same time and continues until I go to bed.  It's been a long and wasteful week end.  I'm not any better after 4 days of the medication and the ER doctor upped the dose to 40mg instead of 20.  I'm just dealing with it. A few times over last three days I've lost it.  It really starts to get to you gasping for air continually for days.  

 I've been working on this post all day long.  I started this morning.  I realized today that the same day this all started I had started a new medication for sleep the night before. I did some searching today on and off when I felt well enough to be on the computer.   I found on the drug site and patients who had the same problem who were taking this medicine.  The drug company even lists trouble breathing and chest pain as a side effect.  I've lost my voice and can't clear my throat no matter how hard I try.  I'm stopping the medication until after the scope on Wednesday to see if there is any change without it.  

Thanks again for all your support in my journey.  
God Bless, Theresa


Every day is a new battle, you can either fight on, or put up your hands and admit defeat.

What's new today....

After I came home from voting I was feeling so bad that I just couldn't see me making it to next Wednesday to see the gastroenterologist.  It was getting harder and harder to breath.  As soon as 8 o'clock rolled around I called the Digestive Health Center to see if there was any way they could see me sooner it was becoming an emergency.  The scheduler said she had just hung up with someone who canceled for the next morning @ 8.  Great, I'll take it.  I had an appointment with my rheumatologist @ 10:30 so that worked out perfect.

As we were watching the election coverage last night and I was so miserable I just kept thinking how thankful I was for the person who cancelled.  I just didn't see how I'd have waited the rest of the week, over the week end then 3 more days.  I'd have went to the ER for sure.  Last night and the night before I just skipped super all together,  It wasn't worth it.  Even not eating it was bad but if I ate it was unbearable. 

I woke up this morning with a very horse voice and scratchy throat.  I had none of those symptoms before I went to bed.  Just another sign of reflux I guess.  The good news was I was feeling decent as far as the elephant on my chest.  So I decided to have some breakfast.  It would be past lunch before I made it back home so I had to have something.  By the time I fought traffic and made it to the clinic I couldn't breath and the sharp pain in my ribs/abdomen was back. Everyone asked, are you ok?  The greeter at the door, the person who checked me in and took my money and the PA who asked a million questions before the doctor came in.  Yes, that's why I'm here.  When Dr. Rao came in he'd had the scoop from the PA so he got right to it.  He immediately wanted to know why hadn't I been taking any medication for my reflux.   Because I didn't have any symptoms.  I asked him when the last time I was there because I knew it had been a long time, before my 1st back surgery. In '06.  Wow I didn't think it had been that long.

I explained to him that after the scope the Dr. I was seeing at that time (he is retired now) saw no reason to put me on any medication being I had no symptoms.  Fine by me.  At that time I didn't take any RX medications.  He said just because they found a hiatal hernia doesn't mean I would have reflux symptoms.  A lot of people have a hiatal hernia and never experience any symptoms.  (I've read this also)  This didn't sit well with my ENT.  SHe is the one who referred me there to see a gastroenterologist.  She asked me to see a different Dr. for second opinion because she did see symptoms....chronic sore throat, redness and hoarseness. I'd been seeing her for years and respected her opinion so that is how I saw Dr. Rao the first time.

 He ordered that test where you drink the nasty chalk stuff and they turn you upside down and see what happens.  Fine, I passed.  No reflux.  He just couldn't stop there, I had to do this text where they put tubes through your nose down through your throat into your esophagus.  They hook you up to this monitor that becomes your best friend, like my remote for my stim now.  I had to register every time I ate and anytime I was in a supine position.  Overnight until the next morning and then you can get rid of it.  The worst part of the entire thing was taking those dumb little tubes out.  I was never so glad for something to be over. This text also proved I had no reflux problems.  So my ENT was finally satisfied.  As far as any gasto problems or reflux symptoms I've been fine since then until now. 

So here I am today with not one but multiple symptoms.  He like my GP wasn't quite sure the pain in my abdomen was part of it but he was quite concerned about my heavy chest and trouble breathing.  I told him my GP did a EKG and it was fine but he wasn't convinced with just that.  He was hearing me at my worst.   After the scope he wants me to have a echocardiogram with a heart doctor not the GP.  Great, believe or not, a have a heart doctor on my long list of doctors because my irregular EKG before spine surgery caused me to have to see one.

I filled my RX for reflux along with the new medicine my psychologist prescribed.  Take an hour before breakfast and hour before dinner.  Not working yet but hoping for a miracle so I can get through tomorrow.  I'm going to do my best to follow his other recommendations he asked of me.  Until the scope next Wednesday to lay of the coffee and no carbonated drinks.

The other at bedtime, supposed to help me sleep.  Even though I've tried many different ones with no luck, we'll see.  I'm at least hopeful.  My rheumatologist said it is used for nerve pain also so maybe if it doesn't help me sleep it will help for nerve pain!  Meanwhile I just have to deal with the side pain until the scope is done.  If that doesn't give us any answers I have to see my PM doctor to see if possibly my stimulator is causing it.  Speaking of the stimulator, I tried it today, on really low.  Keeping it low I don't really feel it in my back but it doesn't fire off the unwanted nerves and cause unwanted pain.  That's my only option until I'm willing to work with Mr. R one more time before seeing Dr. Graham for options.  (I already heard them and I don't like either)  It did seem to help a little.  It could just be the chest pain has over come my back pain.  Either way, I hope to get answers for both.

That's all for this weeks doctor visits!  Yeah, no more until next Wednesday.  Looking forward to Friday morning.  P is coming to visit me while momma gets her teeth cleaned. 

GNA, sweet dreams....its what I'm hoping for
a pain free night.....it's what I'm praying for

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.

Peter Drucker