A Mothers Love

The sky at the end of my walk

If there was every a day I need to get out and walk even when I didn't feel like it today was one of those days.  I'm still asking everyday, what are you grateful for?  I need to know the good things in life are all around.  I'm just blinded by the bad right now.  I thought the sky was so beautiful by the time I ended my walk.  Did you ever just not want to go home?  

When I ask myself the question what is the hardest thing you've ever been through or had to do in your life I can come with 3 and their all equal.  Well maybe 2 are and the 3rd is well, 3rd.  One of the two equal is another blog.  I've been thinking about sharing that story often when I didn't have much else to blog about, but I really still don't like to think about it.  It took a long time to stop having nightmares about it.  Even the people I've shared the experience with couldn't understand what it was like and what I went through.  I will share though....soon.

The tie with these 2 equal things of painful life experiences is asking my son to leave the only place he has to stay.  He's been here since Friday.  He showed up on our door step because the friend he was staying with still had no electricity from the storm.  He only wanted to stay that night, wash some clothes and would be leaving early in the morning to bring money to his daughters mother and see the love of his life.  His sweet baby girl.  Unfortunately things didn't go as planned and he was in an accident due to some problem with his car, he lost control of steering and hit the side rail in a construction zone.  He spent 3 hours waiting, then walking a few miles to get off the exit for water.  He hadn't had breakfast, and he was feeling weak and dehydrated.  It was 12:30 before someone could get to him.  The accident was at 9.  

Later during the day we had his car towed and he went to bed and has been there for the last 3 days.  Hurting from head to toe.  I kept telling him it was probably from the impact but he was scared something else was wrong with him.  I have no idea why this kid worries???  He finally went to doctor today and that's exactly what they told him.  Very stiff muscles and dehydration.  Walking 3-4 miles in the heat and in flip flops didn't help either.  

The car situation is bad.  Needs several things done that he can't pay for.  New tires, one rim bad, tie rods and an axle problem.  I don't know all those things.  At the current moment he has it back with three new tires and the spare temporarily until the used rim comes in.  Then maybe by then a miracle will happen to fix the rest of problems.  It's drivable at this point, which is good because taking my car was not working out to well.  They recommended he do little driving as possible on this spare.  He's been staying with a friend who lives near where he works but for reason's I can't seem to get an answer about he can't go back there.  My husband says tonights the last night.  It was only supposed to be one night.  The last time we let him come back home one month turned into one year. 

My therapist has told me more than once when I cry at her office over my son's situation that only he can make the changes to make his life better.  It's hard knowing you have a space for him but have to turn him away.  It just seems cruel.   Let me be clear though.  It's bad for both of us.  We disagree about everything.  He really stresses me out, which upsets D and of course my back pain multiplies. My therapist told me he will cause you much pain and possible ruin your marriage.  I love my son.  How do you tell someone you love, you can't provide shelter for them.  I am in agreement with my family and my therapist that he has made choices that prevents him from bettering himself.  I've excepted that.  I love him for who he is.  If he wants to wait tables ok, that's fine.  I want a better life for him, but he has to want it.  If you talk to him, you'd believe he wants it, but hasn't taken any action over the last three years to make it happen.  But he continues to say he will.  He just keeps hitting a brick wall.

Telling him he had to take his things with him tomorrow when he goes to work was like a dagger in my heart.  I'll worry where he'll go.  He said he'll figure it out.  He's sad and depressed and I've been there before.  It's painful and you feel alone even though you know you have plenty of family and friends who love you.  It's not easy to call on them when your in that state of mind.  That's what makes it even harder to HAVE to ask him to go.  

In his credit, I have to say he is a wonderful person.  He's as laid back as they come and before this depression set in has a wonderful personality.  He's never been in any serious trouble.  He's made some bad financial decisions and passed up several good opportunities to have a better job.  He wants nothing more than to spend more time with his daughter.  She consumes his mind at all times.  He can't even discuss her with me any longer without crying.  I'm not looking for pity for me or him, but I feel like when you read about us making him leave you'd think he's a bad person.  There is much more to the story.  We've , (my husband, daughter, grandmother and myself), have all tried to help him.  That's why he has no where to go.  Everyone's done.  I'm so sad for him but know it's something I have to do.  

I hope I never caused my mom such pain.  The heartache is equal to my back pain.  I wasn't a terrible child, but I did get into some common teenager mischief.  Through these last few years dealing with his troubles, I've often thought about my mom and wondered what heartaches I may have caused her.  I pray my daughter and son do not have to go through this with my grandchildren.  They are great parents including my grand daughter's mother.  That is not full proof of no troubles with your child as they go off into the world and make their own choices.  

On a good note, while I was waiting to get my car back I had a chance to get in the pool and just relax. Tried not to think about what the upcoming hours would bring.  For that short time during the day (about 30 minutes) I just floated around relaxing looking at the beautiful sky and admiring the beautiful birds that our creator made for us to enjoy.  I love birds and butterflies as you've probably noticed.

My son with A

Me with the best things that God gave me <3

GNA and remember

The things you take for granted someone else is praying for.