Super Bowl Sunday

The Super Bowl doesn't mean anything to me but I figure their are plenty of my readers that it means a lot to so why not mention it somewhere.  I figured the title was the best honor.  I started writing @ half time lets see if I can finish before it's over.  

I jinxed myself by mentioning my hives in my last post.  Two days after that I had one on the back of my leg and yesterday one on the inside of my thigh.  No clusters thank goodness just the one in each location.  Maybe I was wrong about the anxiety.  Along with those little villains my chest pain and trouble breathing has been hanging around for the last week.

Aren't friends just the greatest thing to have in your life?  Even though I've been keeping to my self it seems every day I get a voice mail, text or email from one of the many I have.  So one of these dear friends, who is aware I'm hiding away as much as I can, left me a voice mail on Friday when I was away from my phone. She wanted D and I to go to dinner with her and her husband.  She mentioned she was contacting another friend and her husband to join us.  The three of us used to work together years ago.  We also have children the same age.  My husband had already planned to get me out of the house and make a trip to Whole Foods.  We used to live near one and went regular.  I told her I'd check with D and text her back.

Of course my husband was all for going.  He loves to go out to dinner.  Even before my back problems it wasn't on the top of my list of outings.  I would love to have gotten out of it but I knew I owed it to my husband and my friends.  My therapist has been urging me to get out more not just for myself but for my husband also.  If it's not my back it's this dark cloud weighing down over my head of worry for my son.  I try really hard to keep my little "break downs" private.  The bathroom, in the car leaving, or after he is sleeping.  I know it's important to find some joy in my life.  I'm doing better but when it's quite and I have time to think about it my emotions take control.  I picture ever kind of situation he may be in.

I knew her intent was to get me talking and laughing so this heavy dark cloud hanging over my head would be lighter for a short time. It worked.  We definitely did some laughing.  Enjoyed some good food,  talked about the "good ol days" and of course our grandchildren.  My friend and her husband who initiated the outing came to our house after and we continued to talk.  We purposely avoided discussing my son.  She had mentioned on the phone to me before we left that she really wanted me to just enjoy myself and not feel bad about it.  This night was to be joyful, not sad.

By no means do I want to make it sound like she wasn't interested in lending an ear.  She's done that for hours over the past few months.  Even before he just vanished and especially after.  Offering to go out looking with me, for her and her husband to go if I couldn't handle it,  she's text him herself and so has her daughter.  

Here we are together at a wedding

Sometime I'll just see a flash before me like God is reminding me my child is in trouble....do something.  I just don't know what to do.  When I think about it to much I feel like a terrible parent just waiting around to see how everything turns out.  It doesn't feel right to be doing nothing to find or help him. How long do I wait?

All I know to do is continue to pray it has a good ending because if it doesn't I'm not sure this pain in my heart will go away.  I talked to the detective for the second time on Friday night.  She had nothing new to tell me.  I'm sure it wasn't that way but I felt like I was just another caller and she really didn't care at all.  She assured me I'd be the first to contact if  anything develops.  I was so angry in the beginning for making us all worry.  Causing his daughter to wonder why her daddy is not calling or visiting.  When one week turned into two I became concerned that he hadn't answered any of us.  Then the prayers and "real" concerned hit hard.  He has been furious with me as well as me with him and he's never went more than 3-4 days without texting or calling me.  It's not just me though.  It's our entire family and his sweet innocent daughter that he's not answering to.

We all believed at some point he would need something and we'd get a call.  He's pretty famous for that. Not for this long though.  It's been 4 weeks and 3 days now.  As far as we know he doesn't have a job so I'm not sure how he is surviving.  The feeling won't go away that the texts and calls that my mom sees on the phone bill are possibly not being made by him.  They are few and anytime we call it goes straight to voice mail.  If I'm wrong, great.  The fact remains I don't know for sure.  Last night I was watching an episode of 48 hours and I had to stop.  I started panicking that my situation would turn into theirs.  Weeks into months, months into years.  Please God, don't let it go on that long.  If he'd just talk to one of us so we could get him some help. 

My stimulator still doing ok.  Not where I'd like to be, but better.  When I  have it on it definitely helps but it gets to a point that I can't stand it in the "unwanted" areas.  Sometime it works just to switch to another program.  I'm really glad my appointment with PM doctor is coming up soon.  Like I need a new thing but it is what it is and I need an answer.  My battery site has been having this burning sensation. Almost like it's over heated.   That's not supposed to happen.  You can experience that when charging, but I charged a week ago.  Besides I don't have this particular issue as some do, just some warmth.   This "burning"  has been for 2 days now.  I won't let it go on for to long.  I hope it goes away because I feel like I need to treat the chest pain first.  I had mentioned to Mr. R last week about how sore the battery site continues to be and he said my loosing weight caused me to loose fatty tissue around it so there is no cushion any longer.  You can even see the out line of it. 

Saturday night I had my mind occupied again by the funniest little boy ever.  He's born to make you laugh and he did.  That would be P my handsome little grandson.  We had a great visit, just me and him hanging out doing whatever he wanted to do.  Including putting on A's princess crown.  Goofy Boy!  We even did a face time with cousin A.   My hearts not big enough to hold the love I have for these two <3.

Playing with the tea set and babies

Prince "AKA" Princess P

The "real" princess

Have no fear for what tomorrow may bring, the same loving God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and everyday.  He will either shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace, then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.  Francis de Sales.



7:32 in the 4th Bal 21 and SF 29