Next week will be my 3 month mark. Half way to where I really want to be. I really want to be in healing with my spinal cord stimulator. I'm hoping that with what I''m getting now, if that doubles I will happily say I'm glad I went through with it. But hold on, not there yet.
I know it's been a lot about depression and other things going on in my life. That's not what the blog was meant to be. Turns out to be a bit of therapy for me, kind of like journaling. Something I always thought about doing but never did. This way I'm doing both. I have no clue how many people out there are reading looking for information about the SCS so I try to make sure and give updates as often as I have them. Everyone else must just be bored and looking for something boring to read. I'm down to two pain pills a day. One in the morning and one in the evening. I'd never get my walk in with out it and the stimulator together. If I just stayed home all day and did nothing I could manage without the pain medicine and just the stimulator. Any shopping, housecleaning, being on my feet for a short period of time, squatting down multiple times a day just aggravates it more. It's always there, just sometime more manageable than others.
I've spent some time talking about my troubles with my youngest, my son. I know there are a lot of people dealing with troubled children and adolescents.
I'd just like to point out that even though this is going on in my life and maybe yours to be sure and not leave out your other children. Don't forget that they may seem to have it all together but maybe they don't burden you because they know what all you are dealing with in the troubled child.
Recently getting ready to go somewhere I was putting on a necklace my parents gave me at my confirmation. It's a gold heart with Jesus in the middle. At one time I never took it off but for some reason these past few years necklaces have bothered me and I can't seem to wait to get them off. I prefer bracelets now. So as I was putting on and thinking about my son and how he didn't finish the CCD program ( Confraternity of Christian Doctrine ). He wanted to stop in 10th grade and I let him. Didn't see the point in pushing him to do something he didn't want to do. I knew he'd come back if he wanted to. Then this led me to think about my daughter who finished CCD and was confirmed a Catholic. Come to think of it, she finished everything she ever started.
In high school she said early on she had two goals. To go to college to be a dental hygienist and to be in Tiger Band here in Baton Rouge @ LSU. In high school she was in honor band and had an excellent band teacher who pushed his students to reach for their dreams. He took them to many different Honor Band competitions at different colleges and it gave her a chance to see things students not involved in music would ever know about. I truly believe her love of music is why she was such a good student. It wasn't like it just came easy for her. She worked hard to get the grades she did. Knowing all the while that she had to do what it takes to get TOPs to help her through school because I couldn't provide that for her.
After high school she did make it into Tiger Band. I make it sound so simple. It's not. It's very hard. She could write a blog post pages long about what try outs are like and how grueling the practices are. (i'm just talking about try outs) But she made it. Her and her best friend all through band in high school made it. Her mother and I were so scared that if one made it and the other didn't, what would we do? You have no idea. It was a long summer waiting for the answer to come.
Two years of college and Tiger Band. She loved it. I know she'd do it all over again. I wish I knew how to scrap book to make her an album of all the band memorabilia. There is still hope! After the two years she applied to hygiene school. Not easy to get in. At that time I believe it was something like 20 chairs available and around 100 students applying. (B, you just correct me if I'm wrong on some of these things) That year she didn't make it. She was picked as an alternate. Still an honor but who wants to hear that when your informed you have another year of college to go through. After the short time of tears my strong willed girl picked her chin up and said, "ok, yeah another year of Tiger Band, this is not so bad. What an attitude. Turns out that additional year sent her to participate in the 2004 Championship game in New Orleans, LA. What a way to go out.
So the next year she did get in. She finished the program on time despite the obstacles thrown at them by Katrina. The school had to be moved and a lot of things made to work. It was scary for sometime the students thinking it would delay their graduation but everything worked out. She went right to work. Every doctor she has worked for has loved her. It was a great field for her to be in when it came time to have her first child, my grandson. She was able to do another type of work from home for his first year and a half and now she doing hygiene part time again and doing well at it.
Everything she set goals for herself in life she accomplished. I'm so proud of her and what kind of wife, mother and daughter she is. Her and her husband are very involved in their church and are teaching my grandson what it means to be a christian and setting the best examples you can for him. On pinterest
I saw a quote the other date and I immediately thought of B and her husband.
That is just what they are doing. Setting great examples for him to follow.
My thinking in all of this if your wondering where I'm going. Is this; if you have a successful child and one who struggles try not to forget about the one who has continued to make it own their own. Almost as if they didn't need you at all. I know she appreciated me but I sometime think I failed as being the kind of mother she could count on because I've always been seeking help for my son. Spending time fixing things for him. I've told her before and she knows how proud I am of who she is and how she got there but make sure you do the same. A trouble child can drain you of everything you have to give. Dealing with the chronic pain has caused me to give even less to her and her family. My back has caused me to miss out on a lot with both of my grandchildren.
What am I grateful for? I'm grateful for the wonderful husband I have who at times I know couldn't possible understand why I do what I do for my son. He has never had children. A mother's love. Only a mother understands that. I'm grateful for my children. Both of them. One perfect, one not. My therapist told me today to accept my son for who he is and not what I want him to be. He doesn't want to be who I want him to be and I'm trying to come to terms with this and stop trying to fix it for him. I'm grateful my mother is still alive and still inspires me everyday. She is the best example of a mother anyone could ever have. I'm grateful that my pain, though is is chronic, (which means it never goes away) doesn't have me crippled and I can do things that a lot of others can't do. I just do them in pain. I'm grateful that my stimulator is helping some now. Right now I'd say it is at 40%. I'm sure there are more but I'm trying to close to stop your boredom.
Please come back tomorrow. I'm so excited to tell you my dear friend I mentioned today and yesterday in my posts has written a guest blog for me to post. She is one special lady. Very loved in her family and her church family. Her daughter and my daughter spent a lot of time together in high school. Rivals for first chair in band. In a friendly way. They did everything together. Karen and I got to know each other working on fundraisers at football games and at band concerts. Before you knew it she'd adopted my child. Still to this day B is close with Karens daughter and Ms. Karen. Ms Karen is a mentor for my daughter and I'm glad to know she has someone like that in her life to look up to. What ever she wrote, I know it will be great. So come back by tomorrow and see what she has to say. And by the way, she makes the best cakes ever. Everyone around here has tried them and loved them. I'll put her website up for you too.
Gentle hugs and loving prayers.
GNA
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