Yesterdays weigh in. Gained back the 1.5 from last week. When I saw it I had to get off and do over. Has to be wrong I was thinking. I had record walks and calories burned this past week. And it killed me some days. Driving in to watch baby C I remembered back when I used to watch biggest looser and how they always dreaded week three. ( the trainers ) The contestants always seemed to loose 0 or sometimes gain at week 3. Whats up with that? When baby C went down for her nap I did my measurements and put in and then I felt a tiny, really tiny bit better. I lost inch and half in waist and inch in hips. Still the number bothers me. Maybe that means next weeks number will be huge! (wishful thinking)
This afternoon I'm picking up my grandson from daycare and sleeping over with him while mom and dad is out of town. As I was gathering some clothes together I came across a pair of shorts I haven't worn in probably two years. Last year out of desperation I wore uncomfortable a couple of times and the button popped off. I think they were telling me time to give it up. So for encouragement I found the button I'd put in my jewelry box and sewed it back on. I decided to try on, knowing I'm nuts. Last time I tried, about four months ago, before surgery each side wouldn't meet. No matter there was no button I was curious how bad it was. Wasn't going to happen. Put them away until this morning. After the button was on it decided to try on and despite my pour attitude I was surprised that not only did they go over my hips the zipper zipped and the button buttoned. They are a bit snug, but I decided to keep me from moaning about the 1.5 gained back I'd wear for encouragement. I'll probably pay for it with hives tomorrow. ( why I wear a lot of stretchy clothing) It's just getting old. I want to start wearing some of the things I really liked even before I gained weight. I didn't wear some because of the hives.
The pool did not happen yesterday. Apparently the crew coming in to install the pool was driving in from FL. Their truck broke down and my husband got a call around 10:30 saying they will be delayed. Well the end of day came and he was calling the pool company to see what was up. The truck would not be fixed for three days and they were searching for another crew that does work for another pool company to see if they could do today. I guess to short of notice. Not meant to be. My husband said from the sound of things they really prefer their own contractors because they know their work and guarantee it so they preferred for them to do it.
This mornings walk was a struggle. Pace was slower and I wanted nothing more than to say I can't do it but knowing I couldn't tonight and possibly not tomorrow I needed to get it done. The added stress right now is really effecting my back. Many people do not realize how much stress effects your body. I never believed it. When some of the first doctors I saw for second opinions after surgery and my therapist started about it I felt as if though they were just trying to make me feel like my pain wasn't real. Stop being anxious and stressing and it will go away. That's not what they meant. They just wanted me to understand that it adds fuel to the fire. My flame it hot enough without the extra fuel.
I'd really like to say to three of my dear friends, two who read my blog and one that doesn't that I'm praying every day and night for our boys/girls. My heart is breaking for us all, for our children. 2 boys, 2 girls. We all have our different struggle with them right now and neither of us can pretend to know how the other is feeling. I know my own heartache for my son hurts deeply, as well as theirs. To step back and walk away has been the hardest thing ever in my life. I want so much more for him. I wouldn't have come as far as I have if I hadn't sought help a long time ago. It's been a long road. A road of sleepless nights. Tearful nights. Disagreements with my husband on how to handle things. Wondering what will happen? Can he get through this on his own? I've stepped out of my boundaries a few times. Something that gets me in trouble with my therapist and my family. Boundaries she set, my husband set. I hope no one I know ever has to go through this with their children. Especially my own children with their children.
You think you've done a great job raising them. Then when life happens and they go down the wrong path and just can't seem to help them get out of the rut. So... what? You turn your back on them? One of my friends is dealing with something much harder than my case, I feel like we're on the step of their back door. She encourages me to do just such. You have to let go and let them do what their going to do and then figure it out ON THEIR OWN. How long do you want to be the victim in the triangle?
Another friend who I've spent hours on the phone with tells me whatever you do, don't turn your back on your child. Do whatever you have to do to let them know they have someone to turn to when their lost and can't find a way out. It doesn't mean you have to fix it, just to know you care and your there. Her child has left town and living in a bad situation. She has a daughter with a grandchild. I can't imagine. Worried about your daughter and your granddaughter far away in a bad situation. My friend has been through a lot of years dealing with trying to get her out of this situation and she keeps going back for more. She wants her to respect herself more and get out of there. Just like me she wants more for her. She deserves more. She is a beautiful young girl just starting her life.
Then there is my long time friend whose son is dealing with hurt and pain that will never go away for him. I'm sure he can't close his eyes without thinking of what happened. Surely he will need counseling to understand it was just an unfortunate accident. That it could have happened to anyone. She feels his pain. They are the same. We have both been through a lot with our boys.
My son has a daughter that lives an hour and half away. He sees her very little. (he can make this change if he tried harder) To hear his tears over this breaks my heart. He said to me, "Mom, my heart is breaking for missing her. It consumes all my thoughts and you can't understand" Oh, I can I told him, long ago when you were just a baby did I begin to learn heartaches of a parent. Even now when he is grown and has his own daughter here I am still with the heartache. <3
My three friends and I really need to start a support group meeting with each other. Seriously. I know the entire world all over the country has parents hurting and feeling blue or scared for their children. The action is one thing, the worry, something that I should have had control over years ago, because it was just that, worry. It didn't change a thing in his course. I pray for healing for all of my friends and for our children that they can see the good in their self and move forward in a positive way. They have so much of their life left to live.
I'm having Smart Ones tv dinner for supper tonight. Easy choice for on the go. It's a good one I like so I really don't mind. Easier than packing up a bunch of things to bring to my daughters house to cook.
And P, well he is just as easy.....a hot dog or maybe chicken nuggets. He is a pretty picky eater. Sweet boy. Read him books before bed. You cherish those moments. Advice from a friend, that maybe all my left over meal points and activity points may mean I'm not eating enough food. I know she could be right about this. I'm game for eating a little more food this week. Hopefully next week I'll be swimming laps and taking a break from walking.
GNA....kind hugs and prayerful thoughts.
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