Disability

It was not my intention to sit down and blog this morning.  I have a lot to do on this day.  Things that are fairly simple for most people.  Sometime it does take me a little longer to get going on certain days but for some reason I just can't seem to get moving this morning.  I have therapy at 2 with lots to do before so I must make it happen.  I've seem to woke up in a somber mood on top of the pain. 

I've spent many hours questioning myself on some important things, decisions in my life over the last year.  One being How did I end up with such a troubled child? I've said it out loud too many times, asked myself too many times.  Even through two therapist I'm still asking.  I want to be clear in that I don't just see them for worrying about my son, it's also to help me emotionally with the chronic pain I live with.  Two days ago I made that statement again, out loud to someone other than my therapist and decided I need to write instead of looking back at text trying to not dwell on this matter.  Maybe if I write it I'll believe it more and maybe I need to see it every day.  

I mean this with love-he has made some choices-when you say "end up"it puts all blame on you.  Please don't forget that sometimes he doesn't always make good decisions and that -my love, you have NO control over.

There it is, I wrote it. Now I have to believe it, live it.  And it stinks. My therapists says he's not the son I wanted and that it probably hard for me to except and live with too.  It will take time for me to let him be who he is and let him decide on his own to want  his life to be better.  That is something she has helped with so much.  I'm a why person and a let me fix it person.  I've always had trouble just sitting back and going with the flow.

Somedays go by I and I barely think about it.  Like when I'm with baby C.  She keeps me busy, takes my mind off of my pain both mental and physical. She reminds me of both of my grand children.  Happy babies, they were.  And still are I might add.  She really makes me laugh all day.  I don't know any other family, like this exceptional one, who would put so much trust in someone they knew so much truth about. 

We've both been great for each other.  They have given me back a feeling of worth in this life.  To be needed for such a important role in their lives.  Not a day goes by, and I'm completely serious that they don't thank me multiple times in a day for doing things anyone would do.  They appreciate me to a degree that is so uplifting.  They ask very little of me besides their child being # one priority.  That's the way I work, but the few small tasks I do when she is sleeping, once their done,  I rest.  Who understands that, and not to mention INSISTS that I do.  Lets just end this subject with how grateful I am that they connected with me and liked me and gave me a chance.  Our feelings are mutual. <3

Another of those second questions I pondered over for months, even before I lost my job was filing for disability.  Am I disabled?  I don't want to be disabled.  I had a great job, a job I loved.  Working through pain seemed a much better choice than giving up and leaving it up to a judge to decided if I'm disabled then totally turn our life upside down finances and all.  But life happens.  I lost my dad, my job, found out I had melanoma and I gave up the fight. (all in 3 weeks)  Then when family starting asking, "why don't you file for disability?" I started thinking about it.  I continued to look for a job but filed anyway.  That was in June.  I was turned down in October, then made the decision to hire attorney and continue on with the disability case.  Wow, can't believe I'm sharing this with everyone.  I was making a nice salary at my job.  Who would want to give that up?  Why would I want to get a disability check and do nothing but think about wanting to be out there in the world doing something productive and being around other people, helping other people.  That's a lot of what my job was about.

Move 11 months later, and my hearing is in two weeks. I know the answer to these questions.  It took me a long time to get there.  Many times I just wanted to say forget it.  I'll start over and now with the stimulator I'll somehow make it.  You see I'm one of those people who are scared of being judged.  I worried about what people would think.  I really don't care any longer.  I know what I've been through and now know what it will take to recover.  Time off.  Time off from pushing my self through a stress full job.  Time off from sitting in one chair 10 hours a day.  I can barely sit 30 minutes.  Time off from dead lines and mean people who don't appreciate you.  They money isn't worth it.  My life and my family are.  Sure there are some hours in the day that I convince my self that I could go back to work and make it.  It can be as little as an hour later and I'm headed for the couch or bed.  A flare up can come on that fast.  I don't necessarily have to do anything to cause it to happen.  I could never get a job making what I was making.  I can't get from the floor without assistance.  If not a human, a chair or what ever is near.  I feel trapped in the body of a 90 year old.  I can't stand on my feet in one spot for any long amount of time.  Have your read the classifieds lately?  Over and over I see, must be able to bend, stoop, lift at least 30 pounds and stand on their feet long hours.  Not me, I can't do that.  I guess that has to be stated ahead of time these days.  I don't remember years ago seeing that in a classified ad for a job. 

My point is, I've excepted it for NOW.  Who knows if I'll even win or not.  If I do, I'll give the stimulator more time to do it's job.  Hopefully it will get even better.  Theres a chance I am where I am and that's what I get.  But there is also good chance that reaching 6 months they'll be more improvement.  Meanwhile, I believe in myself and believe that I should be awarded disability until I can go back to work.  This is my long term goal.  I don't want to be "disabled" as my title.  I think retired sounds better :-D  There is a program that you can enroll in if awarded benefits to go back into the work field part time with out losing your benefits.  It gives you an opportunity to see if you can do the job or not.  It's all about quality of life right now.  If being labeled disabled lets me have a better quality of life where I feel like I can do what I need to do when I need to do it to feel better and not be a miserable person then I can live with it.

Pain free is where I want to be......