I believe

Today I visited the First Pentecostal Church of Denham Springs.  I was invited by my friend Karen.  She had asked me a month or so back but I couldn't make it because we had guests at our house for the week end.  The church was having the same guest preacher again this Sunday who was there when she asked me the first time.  He has healed some people in their church.  After she read about my latest trials with my stimulator she invited me again.  "What have you got to loose?", she asked me.

I have to say I was a little nervous about it.  I've been to my daughter church numerous times so it wasn't the fact of going to a church different than my faith. (Catholic)  Every time I've been there obviously my daughter and son and law were there.  I went to my only grand son's dedication there.  I know many of her friends and would feel very comfortable walking right in and having a seat even if she wasn't there.  

My experience getting there wasn't a great start.  On my way to interstate I came to a road closure.  Ok, turn around and go another way.  I'm then making my way down the interstate and come to a sign that says "NEXT TWO EXITS DENHAM SPRINGS"  UGH which one is it?  I look down at the GPS deal on my iphone and it shows the red dot farther up which made me think I needed to go to next exit.  Nope, get off there and its clear this is not where I'm supposed to be.  I call my friend and let her know I did not change my mind I've just hit some bumps in the road.  She told me to come on in when I get there anyone at the door will know where I am.  

The church caught my eye right away when I was close.  Big beautiful and a lot of people going inside.  I drove around to the back and found a place to park.  I started the walk down the sidewalk to front of church.  I had a long battle with myself before leaving do I turn on my stimulator or not?  If I don't I'll never sit the entire time, if I do it will help, but it will be pinching my side enough to drive me insane and not be able to focus.  So there I was at the front door looking in.  Right away a lady greeted me and said hello.  "Can I help you find someone?"
Sure, I told her who I was looking for and the gentleman behind her pointed me right to the pew where her daughter, who I recognized at that point, was sitting.  Making my way there I was greeted by many people welcoming me.  I figured I must have some flashing sign somewhere on me.  How did everyone know I was a guest?  I made it to my friend, her daughter and husband.  While we were waiting for service to start still more people said hello.  Behind me, in front of me.  I started feeling pretty comfortable.  Now I'm just worried about sitting still for a couple hours.  

It went fine.  During worship I had an opportunity to stand a few times.  Not for one minute did I loose concentration.  Everything everyone that spoke said was so interesting and captivating. Then it came time for me to go up to be prayed over and for healing.  My friend went with me, she could see how nervous I was.  I was nervous but I was believing this had to work.  I wanted it so bad I started crying the first step I took. Several preachers came close to me and everyone was praying.  I felt such peace.  For a moment I was so comfortable I didn't even feel my stimulator buzzing.  When we were done one of the preachers wife stopped me and told me she was praying for me and to know that I may not have an immediate healing but to believe and sometime it happens over time.  Come back and see us she told me.  I made it through entire service.  It's strange but I just kind of forgot about my back hurting during the rest of service.  Maybe it wasn't, I can't remember.  I do know I felt so good leaving there both spiritually and physically.  I turned out onto the main road to head back to reality.  I'm weak and feel a little sweaty like you do when your hypo glycemic, which I am sometime.  I reached down for a split second to grab some grapes I brought for ride home because I knew I'd need food after.  Just that quick I hit the back of someone.  Great end to a beautiful service. :-(

Thank goodness the gentle man was supper nice.  He was driving a rental car otherwise he told me we'd just go on but he was nervous that the rental company may find something.  We exchanged information and parted ways.   He said he'd call me tomorrow and confirm that the rental company didn't say they noticed anything.
I took a picture with my cell phone just in case.

I decided since my stimulator is driving me nuts anyway I was turning it off, for good. At least until I see the doctor. I text Lovely to see if she thought we could try one more time.  She didn't sound hopeful at all.  She encouraged me to just stick it out and wait for my appointment.  Easy for her to say.  I turned it off.  I went on with my day getting somethings done.  It wasn't so bad.  I decided to test the waters and go for a walk.  That went well also.  Tonight I'm pretty comfortable considering my activity level of the day.  So..I believe.  Maybe I will be healed.  Maybe it will be a slow healing and it's meant to be that my stimulator isn't working.  If so, what now?  I can't leave this thing in me for no reason.  I know, tomorrow could be a totally different day.

Just Wednesday at therapy my therapist when discussing with her the possibility of the St. Jude Rep being right about my lead moving out of place.  If so, what now? Lovely wouldn't answer that for me.  My therapist  couldn't either. She said, here you go with the why why why and the I need an answer now.  She said I need to be able to just wait until I go to the doctor and get some answers.  My anxiety causes me to stress about knowing what is going to happen and needing an answer.  They don't understand just how LONG I have been waiting.  This decision of turning off my stimulator helps me do just that.  I'm waiting for the healing and just living day to day to see how things will play out until I see the doctor on the 24.  LOvely is trying to get him to order an x ray to have for when I go in.

Tomorrow I spend the day with baby C.  Really anxious to see how well that goes without my stimulator.  I know something is helping because that great feeling spiritually left me as soon as I hit the front door.  More drama with my son and now at 10 at night when I needed to be in bed an hour ago.  My heart is broken and my eyes swollen where I can hardly see but I don't feel my back at all.  I don't know which pain will beat me first him or the physical one. 

Fighting back...Theresa

I may be lost but I know where I'm going... is that how it went sister Karen?