What next?

As I mentioned in previous post I had a date with some friends Wednesday night.  My therapist has been encouraging me to surround myself around positive energy since a couple of things in my life is draining everything positive right out of me.  Last week when I just felt like I really couldn't make it I didn't feel any different this week.  I'm not good at all at "pretending".  I thank you all for getting me out.  I was quite uncomfortable early on pain wise so I appreciate your willingness to move outside as soon as we were done.  I guess we'd been sitting for an hour and a half talking, ordering, socializing before I just had to stand up. I'd went to the bathroom, stood to greet a late arrival, then I was out of excuses to stand around a table of seated people.  My therapist always says, "whats wrong with that?"  You try it I told her.   It makes me very uncomfortable to stand and look down upon people.

I had a session with her today.  She asked me how it was and did I enjoyed myself?  I did I told her and I dealt with the pain.  I told her I was nervous about talking about my son and my back without breaking down..  Both have taken control of my life and my emotions.  I have to give it to her, I would have given up on me a long time ago.  She's given me so many exercises and advise on how to handle both.  Boundaries to stick to with my son.  How to not feel like everything with him is not my fault.  I guess it's just taking me longer than with most people.  She's really upset with me that I don't want to include my self in things that could be fun and or good for me.  Things that should be exciting and fun I sometime dread because I feel guilty for pleasure when someone is suffering.  I'm that way when anyone I know or care about is hurting or losses someone they are close to. That's where she is looking for me to feed off of others what I find missing in myself.  I just have to get strong enough to do it.  No matter how many times she tells me my son's situation is not my fault I can't help still hurting and being scared for him.  I know I can't do the thinking and fixing for him ( she says I'm actually hurting him and me by this) but it doesn't help you just turn off the emotions and let him fall.  

He just came by to bring me some money to give to his daughter's mom and money he owes us.  I'll be seeing her tomorrow to pick up my granddaughter.  I questioned him on some things I've heard about what's happening to his money. Where does it go?  After all, he hasn't had rent since August.  He probably felt I believe everything everyone says instead of him.  I had no means to defend him because he doesn't talk to me much any more.  He didn't have to tell me anything I guess but he informed me that he has been giving the "friend" who let him stay for a short while before he was out on the street again.  Besides child support and a loan note the rest of his money has been going to someone who was willing to loan him money to have legal representation when A's mom took him to court.  He said after he pays everything he gives them whats left. He said he is very close to paying them off.  I know that was back in March so now I guess I understand why he hasn't had any money even when he just gets paid. I've been telling him to pay himself first so he has gas and food money until next check.  I don't feel any better,  I actually feel worse because I was accusing him of doing wasteful things with his money.

So the afternoon of Wednesday didn't go so great.  Mr. R and I spent and hour and a half together.  We did manage to get some of the painful areas out, but no luck in getting my back coverage again.  It's low, to low to help me.   He went under Dr. Grahams recommendation in trying a high setting with a low frequency and lower until the "pinching" and "belt, rope" feeling goes away.  I may not feel it in my back but it could be helping regardless if I'm feeling the sensations or not.  If it starts to hurt he just wants me to just turn it off so I'm not so aggravated or angry.  One thought Mr. R had was that he had a patient who got coverage for his lower back in trial but it didn't help his pain at all.  He said he probably had a mechanical problem that none of the treatments we both have had will fix the problem. It makes sense to me because as the day goes on the worse it gets.  He asked me if I don't do anything at all does the pain go away?  It does, if I stay in bed all day, like when I had this virus  recently , it did.  I had pain from laying on my back due to the two surgery incisions and pressure from it but my normal back pain was mild.  That leads him to believe his thinking to be true.  What does all that mean?  In my heart, he'll continue to work with me, but I don't think he really believes we will get it without moving the leads higher.  

I'm going to be as positive as I can and hope that things change over next few weeks.  I guess they could.  It doesn't make sense that I was doing better two months ago than now.  It should have gotten better and better the closer to 6 months I reached.  It seems just like a make over of the surgery from '09.  Full of hope in the beginning only to be led along by doctor after doctor that things would get better.  

Fighting back, Theresa

The things you take for granted someone else is praying for.