My Spinal Cord Stimulator Journey: Opening the door

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Opening the door

During my visit with my therapist last week she was thrilled to hear I had a visitor. She's been encouraging me to either go out with some friends or to let them in. I assume your wondering why on earth I wouldn't want to spend time with my friends. I try hard not to complain about my pain but it somehow makes its way into a conversation. A reason why I say no to something or an excuse not to participate in social gatherings. It's really been hard for my husband because as little as 3 years ago we were having regular dates with friends, taking dance classes and even exercising together. Now, he has a monthly date with friends for fine dining.

D has always enjoyed going out to eat. I can take it or leave it. Even before the chronic pain was present I was just to frugal to spend money on eating out. After I gave in to this nasty demon (pain) I not only said no to going out with my husband I also stopped saying yes to my friends. My therapist wanted to know why. I explained to her that I had multiple reasons.

Girls night out don't happen to often so we have a lot to say. Sitting for that long of time is just out of the question for me.
When I have to get up, I seem to spoil it for everyone. They just seem to follow behind me and I feel as though I break up the "party"
The past few years I felt as though I had nothing anyone wanted hear. I let fear make me feel as though I couldn't just say there are some things I don't want to talk about and some things I can't stop complaining about. Until I started therapy I just preferred to be alone and not give my friends a chance to come in.
I still do not have an accurate diagnosis like many others who hurt every day so I didn't want to answer the question, "How are you?" I felt as though they would think I was crazy since all the many doctors I've seen cannot tell me whats really wrong.

Yesterday I had a another friend come to visit. I picked up the phone and called her and asked her to come when she was free. (she has asked multiple times since surgery) I should have set some rules for her. She always shows up bearing gifts.
A "house warming" she called it! And then something good to eat. Fresh cherries. Something we love in common. Yum, Yum. We had a great visit and caught up where we left off. She has passed me up in grandchildren. She has now has 3 and I have 2. We shared pictures and talked non stop to try and get it all in. I told her as she left it was so good to laugh and visit with her. I guess I'll get an A+ in therapy again next week. lol

Point being that she (therapist) is right. I need to stop letting my pain run my life. I am me, not the chronic pain. I have to remember that I'm still the person they know and love. Nothing about that in me has changed. Just the pain. I have to control it, not it controlling me. Continuing to exercise through the pain is part of that. The less I get out the more I hurt. That is for certain. Another way I let it control me is because it is just to easy to say its to hard today. I can't do it. There was a time when many of my friends and co workers would tell me they wish they were as disciplined as I was about my eating habits and exercising. I would think inside you have no idea. You can do it, I do it hurting every day. But over time I became just like them. Believing I couldn't do it.

So from now on instead of just saying I'm fine, or being honest and complain. Thats the two answers I give. I am taking the advise of two wise people. A fellow bloggers guest post in "Ways to help your loved ones cope with your Illness". When speaking to family and friends instead of giving a long list of complaints, just tell them if it's a "good day" or a "bad day". We may have to elaborate on what a bad day means for us initially but from then on thats all that needs to be said. My therapist recommends the same in so many words. She said that it just needs to be defined as one of those things I don''t care to talk about in detail. It can make me sad, bring out tears and it can also lead me into a long complaining session and depression. I know most of you really don't want to hear that anyway.

I've proud of my accomplishments as far as exercise this week. To understand that pride you'd have to have an idea of my exercising habits in the past and the level of my pain. Sunday I rode my recumbent bike, Tuesday walked with a friend, Wednesday I exercised in the pool, last evening I really had to take a night off. My pain was getting off the charts and if I let it get to bad it takes days to get it in control again. Tonight I rode the bike again. Tomorrow morning I am lucky to get to get back in the pool again. I believe of all the things I did, it hurt the most after but in the end helped the most. If I can keep us this pace I'm happy with this level for now.

I'm starting to realize how important spending time with my friends and my spouse/family is. My life has changed so much and I've been grieving over that,and my uncertain future. Now I understand that they have lost their friend/partner too. They deserve more than to just let me go. If they accept me they way I am then I can too. I've been goal setting for myself this week. Most of them are about stopping this nasty demon from controlling my life. I have faith it will help. I'm accepting who I am now and trying to love the new me even if its not who I imagined myself to be at this time in my life. Good day or bad day. I am asking myself what purpose can I use this pain for in a good way. I think starting this blog was the first start.