So, how am I feeling? Dare you ask! I'm not complaining I'm just being honest. Monday we went to my daughter house for just a couple of hours. The day before I had went out with D (my husband) to run a couple of errands. No reason I couldn't. The doctor said if I felt up to it it was ok to go out once or twice a week as long as I kept is short and followed the rules. No lifting of more than 5 lbs., no bending over and no twisting at the waist and keep incision sites clean and dry. (hard not to sweat if you go out) Later in the evening on Memorial Day I started with this throbbing in my battery area. It was a different pain that what I experienced that day "after" surgery. This was like, I was getting better each day and then boom I took a step back ward! I could not get comfortable for nothing. No sitting, no laying back in recliner, even to lay in the "softer" bed in guest room had become difficult again.
This setback made me really nervous about my husband taking off my strips. I was literally scared for him to remove them. I just felt like since I was experiencing new pain that it meant it was to soon to take them off. Ok, I reminded my self this is what the doctor told you to do. He saw them last Wednesday. Trust him, he knows best. But I kept doubting that maybe they got worse since he saw them and maybe thats why it was hurting. Needless to say, off they came Monday night and I was horrified by what I saw. I'm sure it was a mental thing but I remember the bandages coming off after my back surgery and it not effecting me at all. Matter of fact I was so impressed at how well it looked. My surgeon did an excellent job of sewing me up. A few weeks later after it was really starting to heal there was an area that you couldn't even see the red scar right in the middle of the incision. (btw, this was on my stomach not my back so it was easy to see) This was so different. They looked terrible. I had been anxiously awaiting a shower but the sight of these incisions scared me so that I changed my mind. It was a bad evening and night. I didn't sleep hardly and it bummed me to be back in the bed!
Tuesday morning I carefully took a shower. Careful not to let the stinging water hit my incisions directly. Before dressing I got the large hand held mirror out and took a look at the incisions into the big mirror and didn't like what I saw. It upset me so much that I took pictures with my phone and text to my husband to see if he thought the looked same as the evening before. He is my best answer because he can see back there and I can't. He felt as though they looked as they did (red and puffy, some yellow area which I thought was infection!) because of the steam and heat of the shower. Wait awhile and check them again was his advise. No fever, no swelling, no drainage, no worries. That was his advise, so I had to put away in my mind and move on. One thing in particular that worried me was that when I would feel with my fingertips the incision on my back was a large bump that covered a big portion of the area. It didn't feel like inflammation. I thought I was feeling the lead and I was scared it had move out of place or something like that. I was also shocked at how long the incision itself was. I guess it was just an emotional experience for me to have yet 2 more scars on my body to remind me of this long pain journey I've been through.
So move on to Wednesday. It was planned the week before that my daughter would come back this Wednesday to take me out in the morning to an appointment I had and to take care of some personal business. I did ok. Getting in and out of car was the hardest. I started to get pretty uncomfortable right before we got home. We set out at 9 and were back home for 1. As soon as I was home I got into my night gown and spent the rest of the afternoon/evening doing absolutely nothing. I thought about reading, start painting, blogging, checking email. Nothing, nothing to motivate me to get started. I am expecting I realize now after rereading my friends ( I really feel like I know her and have a friendship with her) blog to much of my self. I thought I'd be feeling so much better by now. I seemed to have went up a hill then back down to start over.
I was boohooing last night to my husband about the battery area still hurting. Sitting is uncomfortable. When I lean back in chair it is still just so tender. I feel this "weight" feeling. Like he placed a gym weight instead of a battery in there. I guess that's why I've been so worried about the incision itself because of the pulling feeling. After reading today, and come coaching on the phone from D, I've convinced myself that everything I'm experiencing is perfectly normal and I'm right on track. I need to stop feeling guilty that I still need rest.
I am using the stimulator today. For the first time since surgery I actually can feel the difference between post surgery pain and the "normal" back pain. Some rain on the way and I definitely feel that pressure back there among other things. And yes even though there is other pain involved it seems to be helping. I have come back to this writing twice but have sat for more than 20 minutes at a time which is something that was very difficult to do before.
Speaking of "is it working?" that is something else I read about in refreshing myself with others experience that everyone wants to know that. Is it working? Was it worth it? What percentage do you think it help? It just confirms how lucky (chronic pain suffers) are to have such support from family and friends. They only ask because they've been praying it help. You just have to understand what it's like for us to have been asked that question so many times through so many different procedures. You just get tired of having a negative sounding outlook on things. You stop believing its possible and you just don't want to talk about it. But in the end we are so glad your there for us.
Several friends have left messages on phone and text about coming over and bringing lunch or taking me on an errand. I really thought I'd be there by now and that's probably one of the things that has me blue because I'm not. I don't like how I am right now so I don't want to face anyone just yet. Maybe next week. I'm struggling with getting comfortable around the house and I sure don't want company to watch me lay in bed. LOL. Please know that I love you for it and I promise I will be calling to take you up on your offer. I have 4 weeks to go and I hope to God they won't all be like this. Though I will say that at her (blogger friend) one month post surgery blog she still had a lot of discomfort I'm feeling. Somehow, it still made me feel better. I was expecting to be doing so much better than I am at this point so really I'm ok. Turning my thoughts toward my next check by Dr. which is next Wednesday and I will stop fighting the need to rest and just do it.
chronicstimulation.blogspot.com/
for any neurostimulator users that want to read another blog. She has great sense of humor!
My son in law with grandson and my son with my granddaughter. Memorial Day 2012
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